I wish someone can do it instead of me

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 7:09 pm

As horrible as it sounds, I'm anonymous so daring to be bluntly honest.I don't have patience to do all the non technical mommy stuff. And it's not one exhausting day or week... I literally find myself daily forcing myself to listen to their stories, while deeply inside wishing they just finish already and leave of alone. Or doing bedtime with stories an kisses but not really present wanting to spend time with them. Like I know more or less how to be a good parent and I want to give it to my kids but In reality I must push myself and fake it...Cabot be my kids don't feel it...some days I wonder, hasn't hashem created a mother with a nurturing heart? Is it not meant for everyone? An I mean for having kids if I wish someone can do all the mommy stuff instead of me?
An I alone in this or do you relate?

amother

Nemesia

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 7:15 pm

I had a traumatic childhood and I blame it on that. Sometimes I have trouble being present and doing things that are dragging out or boring. I do try to do lots of things I love with my kids so that I can be present and happy. I love art for example so I’ll do lots of projects with them because it’s easier for me to engage more. Maybe you can incorporate things you like. And I make sure that I’m fully present enough that even the times it’s too much doesn’t seem to be affecting them that much. I also make sure to take down time and me time to recharge.

amother

Black

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 7:19 pm

And I wish someone could do all the hard routines, like making sure my kids get to school and bed on time, that they brush their teeth, that the dishes don’t pile up…

I’ve got adhd and the “fun” stuff like reading books and singing is the easy part.

When I realize my teenagers refuse to help around the house because I never impressed upon them the habit of cleaning up after themselves, and they prefer to eat cereal or ramen for dinner every night because I wasn’t strict about making them eat vegetables with every meal and they treat the meals I make as utterly optional… it’s hard not to blame myself for “ruining” them by doing mostly the things that come easily to me while being hefker about the Good Habits stuff.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 7:24 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

This is great advice. To make sure you enjoy the activity too. Watching a family movie that you remember and liked from your childhood and then discussing it with them afterwards might be a nice way to bond. Or asking their advice or for help with something like choosing the menu for shabbos…

Also, it’s probably because your parents didn’t really connect with you growing up and you see them as the younger version of you that didn’t get what she needed. And maybe a part of you still doesn’t feel she (younger you) deserves to get that attention and focus.

amother

Cinnamon ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 9:54 am

amother OP wrote:

I used to be that way. I would do what I had to do but I did not enjoy it at all. I did a lot of inner work in therapy and now I can honestly say I enjoy playing with my kids. Not that I'm going to spend hours a day on the floor with them, but I can spend a few minutes with them enjoying and being present without it being a struggle.

giftedmom

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 10:03 am

Maybe you’re introverted and intellectual. Maybe you enjoy more the baby stage or will enjoy them more as teens and young adults when you can have a rational conversation with them. Everyone is different. I think many moms can relate to the not having patience for endless stories. Many times I just listen with half an ear and nod in the right places. There are many more aspects to being a good mom.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 10:41 am

amother Cinnamon wrote:

so what was the blockage?

amother

Gray

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 10:43 am

amother Taupe wrote:

Yes and thats why I am not having more children
Just trying to do the best job I can with the ones I already have

I really admire you for being honest with yourself, even though that’s not a popular position in our community.

amother

↑ Cinnamon

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 4:19 pm

amother Cinnamon wrote:

It wasn't one thing.

But a very big piece was learning to play. Genuinely play, like a kid, to enjoy it. Not work work work because grown ups don't play and life is too serious to have fun. There was so much work to untangle there to let myself enjoy being in the moment. For me mindfulness wasn't just practice, there was a lot of baggage too.

I still don't have endless patients for endless stories, but it's a lot better than it used to be.

amother

Chambray

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 4:23 pm

Op when I feel like this it’s usually because I’m itching to get back to my phone. I’m overly drawn to my phone and it’s something I’m working on. Is that the case for you too? When you’re internally wishing that their story or whatever would end, what are you itching to get back to?

amother

Razzmatazz

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 4:28 pm

Don't know if this will be helpful but I try to do things that I enjoy too and minimize activities I can't stand. For example I stopped playing monopoly-it's for when babysitters come because it's way to long and boring for me. I usually don't read bedtime stories-it's torture for me. It's ok. I spend a lot of time with them in different ways. I play games that I also enjoy.
Some things I don't have a choice like listening to their long winded dream or story. But where I can I try to cut down on the things that are hard for me and think how I can make it enjoyable.

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:13 pm

So let me add to further explain. I don't mind preparing meals and serving, but have no patience sitting with them while they eat. I'll prepare a fun filled chanukah party but would love them to do without me. I push myself to play and shmooz but all I want is for them to be happy occupied and not bother me... I honestly wish they would stay in school much more hours... it's not necessarily my phone that's pulling me cuz I'd also be okay just sitting on the couch doing nothing rather than joining them. Or I'll just want to hear music with my Bluetooth while bathing them...

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

I feel you. Lots and lots of therapy is helping me be more present with my kids.
I have avoidant attachment from being emotionally neglected and ignored/invisible throughout my childhood and teen years.

amother

Crocus

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:42 pm

You can be a career mommy who takes each individual child on one on one dates to activities that will be enjoyed by both of you and no one will feel it.

Focus on quality over quantity.