I wish I was chassidish

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Forum -> Working Women

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amother

↑ Steel ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 12:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am not bored, I am busy with chessed and with my family and home. I'm the one people turn to for last minute favors, childcare, meals, community volunteer work etc. I help my aging parents and spend a lot of time on the phone giving people advice on all kinds of things. I have special needs children and a spouse with ASD, my mornings and evenings and weekends are incredibly draining and stressful.
10 years ago I had a trauma that impacts my ability to remember things, focus, or work with details and I could not keep a job immediately after, I made so many mistakes, I couldn't go back and just turned my focus to my family.
I sincerely believe that this is what hashem wants from me, but the comments and questions and judgements are hard. It's like I'm selfish or stupid for just doing "women's work".
My youngest just started school so the judgement is amped up. No we aren't wealthy at all and yes I have some cleaning help (for the hardcore things).
Maybe I'm imagining this but I think if I were in the chassidish world my schedule would be considered fulfilling and beautiful. In my community it's busy work or it's "oh you know you can do all this and work, most women do".
I don't need to explain to anyone and I don't but I wish there would be acceptance for all kinds of lifestyles. Why do we NEED to be a shmatta? Why do we NEED to do something or be something?

Also I think you are being harder on yourself and judging yourself more than others really care to do.

amother

Milk

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 12:23 pm

amother Watermelon wrote:

So you don't want to be chasidish you want to live among people who aren't judgemental. That's the opposite of chasidish!

"Imamother has created a safe, non-judgmental place where frum women can share openly."

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 1:04 pm

I know every community has its issues and no I'm not becoming chassidish tomorrow but I really love how women in the chassidish world doing motherly and womanly things is considered special and valuable. Women are cherished and treated like queens. I'm sure it's not all perfect but the attitude is so beautiful.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 1:05 pm

amother Steel wrote:

Also I think you are being harder on yourself and judging yourself more than others really care to do.

I literally get comments every time this comes up. It's frustrating.

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 1:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Do you not see this in your community?

amother

↑ Raspberry

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 1:21 pm

I get it I stay home and I get comments like wow must be niceeeee

It’s not a flighty decision we made. It was a very thought out conscious decision based on personal philosophy, hashkafa, and desires in my role as a mother. And we don’t have a lot of money at all. And I even have a nice amount of cleaning help bec I wasn’t managing without it. I bh have a bunch of kids and they take up a lot of my time and headspace. But I sometimes don’t fully understand how we live on the number that we do. Hashem takes care of us. I work in my emunah daily and believe that this is what I am supposed to be doing. There’s no aveira in not being worked to the bone and busy up to your ears. It took me time to learn that it’s not a virtue to be busy an and falling apart. I u derstand every situation is different and not everyone life plays out like mine. But that’s also the point. It’s MY life and no one else’s.

amother

Whitewash

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 1:21 pm

I’m Chasidish and after our second child was born, my husband and I made a decision that while our kids are little, they need to have 1 parent present at all times physically, mentally and emotionally. (My husband has a high stress job and works long hours)
While my babies are infants, I don't really have time for any extras but once they get a little older, there’s always some chesed opportunity that just falls into my lap and as long as it’s not on the expense of being there fully for my kids, I gladly accept.
I am a creative person, and I’m known as such. These opportunities always find me. I never have to go out and look for them.

amother

Garnet

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 1:24 pm

Chassidish, have a degree and work FT at a corporate job.

amother

Crystal

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 1:40 pm

I think anyone who makes comments is jealous. Im home with an almost 6 month old, have cleaning lady 4 days a week. The only thing I find is that because many friends are working sometimes I'm lonely during the day if I want to schmooze on the phone. But the day is so short it's barely a few hours from when my toddler leaves until he's home again. Never bored

amother

Obsidian

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 1:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

Not every chassidish community treats women like queens…. If something, we are treated like walking zombies … women are not allowed to drive, because we will do bad stuff… dress code is getting stricter… we have to be as invisible as possible, if we are visible = not aidel. There is a pressure for newly married men to learn and the women should support the house, but we will bring a lower starting income because of our lack of education. Obviously there are exceptions.

amother

Molasses

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 1:41 pm

I was a sahm to one baby until last week lol
All I got were comments. All the time
They didn’t know that even if I wanted to I couldn’t work recovering from ppd and getting the meds right
Anyway it’s not like we were rolling in dough when I wasn’t working so idk why ppl were jealous, if they were working too they probably had more money than us

meyerlemon44

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 1:49 pm

amother Jean wrote:

I’m chassidish.
I’m pregnant with my fifth.
My oldest is 7.
I work.

Hope you feel better…

Wow! Do you work full time? B’sha’ah tovah/in a mazeldik shu.

amother

Slategray

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 2:08 pm

amother Watermelon wrote:

So you don't want to be chasidish you want to live among people who aren't judgemental. That's the opposite of chasidish!

And what exactly is this post if not judgemental?

amother

Tanzanite

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 2:22 pm

It’s weird bec I live in Monsey and seems like most non chasidish women here don’t work. In general most women here don’t work. Playgroup goes until like 2:30

synthy

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 2:29 pm

I’m chassidish, I work, and my husband is in kollel. Sometimes I wish we were Yeshivish because it’s so incredibly lonely. None of my friends or sisters are living this lifestyle. And I can’t dare kvetch about anything because then I get a “well who asked you to do this?”

So I kinda get you, OP 🙂

amother

Yarrow

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 2:40 pm

OP,I'm sorry you don't feel valued. I am yeshivish and working part time and feel like a shmatteh. I wish I could be a sahm. I am so jealous tbh.

loveJudaism

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 2:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't know how they manage but I know that chassidish women don't have the pressure or expectation of working outside the house.
In my community most women work. I don't work for various reasons and I hate that this is questioned and looked down on. Why can't it be enough to just run my home and family? Why are my finances and worthiness out on the chopping block because I don't work? I am constantly getting comments and questions about this crazy thing, being a SAHM. Am I not bored? What am I going to do when all my kids are grown? Don't I want to do something? Or be something? What do I do all day? How come I don't contribute financially? Am I depressed? If I'm not depressed oh but you will be soon because this is not normal, you need to DO something.
Chassidish ladies who don't have babies at home, what do you do with your time? Are you depressed or feel worthless? Are you ok with the parnassa responsibility falling on your DH only?

Hi, I understand how you feel, people have judged me too and I wasn’t even religious at the time yet people thought I was weird for wanting to take care of my kids instead of working, did I bring kids into the world to never see them and make an effort of a mother? Every other mother wants to be a career lady and this is why the world is a less sensible place, simply mothers aren’t mothers anymore but careerists, now that I find weird.
Sorry if this offends anyone but most mothers who don’t pay attention to their children are the ones wondering why their children are not at best spiritually or mentally.
As for you, do what’s right, it may be hard but you’re doing the right thing. And no you don’t have to be chassidish, I wasn’t religious and managed.
Do the joy of a mother, most kids today dont eat good food because parents are busy working, it brings health problems and mental problems.

chestnut ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 3:08 pm

OP, you have so much on your plate. As long as YOU are ok with not working, you have to come with a few answers that would cut off those inquiring right away, once and for all.
Smth like "would you like to take care of my ... daily while I'll be working?"

amother

↑ Steel

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 3:43 pm

amother Babyblue wrote:

I get told that all the time most of the girls my age work bec they married kollel. I’m one of the few sahm moms in my grade I get asked all the time how I’m not bored what I do all day and how I should get a job so I see more people
I wish I can shout it out loud. Working at home is a full time job. Not a cute thing we’re not playing games while you work we’re talking care of our families cooking cleaning laundry appointments… stop the judgment this is a lady’s job to take care of house and kids not to work and take care of the house and kids. If you must work then you must but it’s not ideal so stop making it like it is

Um you sound pretty judgmental of working moms.

amother

Ecru ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 4:01 pm

I was once at a meal with DH’s newly married friend who didn’t work (and she wasn’t expecting). I was so confused why she wasn’t working and they didn’t appear wealthy by any means unless they kept it super under the radar. I would never make a judgmental comment (I hope!) but in my head I would wonder why they’re not working. Once you have kids I can understand if you keep the little ones at home. But for someone who’s not well-off or doesn’t have kids at home I wouldn’t understand not working (unless there’s more to the story that I don’t know of course like a mental and physical health problem etc).

I’m not trying to be rude and judgemental I just can’t fathom it personally. The “SAHM’s” I know do something to make a little money like little side hustles and still consider themselves SAHM’s.

If you’re able to do it, enjoy!

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