What to do when your kids tell you no

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 11:33 am

amother Thistle wrote:

If you start correctly from when they are wrong they understand that it’s not negotiable to say no. I have teens. Sometimes they will say I hate doing xyz chore is ok if I do abc instead. Or I’m in middle of a really good chapter is it ok if I do it in 5 minutes. They are really good at expressing their needs respectfully because they learned refusing and being disrespectful means I don’t listen. But requesting nicely sometimes I will listen and sometimes I will say no I need to done right now. But also a lot of it is your tone and showing them you are firm and mean it. I see some parents use a tone of I’m not sure if I even have the authority to say this, or will they listen etc.. and kids pick up on that and take advantage.

So what does it mean to "start correctly from when they are young"?

amother

↑ Brown ↓

Today at 11:39 am

amother OP wrote:

As an example of something that just happened, if I'm in one room (nursing the baby so I can't easily get up just yet) and I call for my child to come and they don't come (and I know perfectly well that they can hear me and are just ignoring) how would you respond?

Can it wait til after you finish nursing?

amother

↑ Thistle ↓

Today at 11:40 am

amother OP wrote:

I’d say firmly I called you, you must come now. If they don’t when I come out I address it.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 11:49 am

amother Brown wrote:

Can it wait til after you finish nursing?

Again, that's just sidestepping the chinuch. Do you believe a child should be raised with the option to just ignore their parent when they feel like it? I should be able to call for my child and expect that they come simply because their parent called them. It's on me not to abuse it, sure, but if I call for them, their role should be to obey their parent, not decide it's ok to just ignore.

amother

↑ Thistle ↓

Today at 11:50 am

amother OP wrote:

How do you address it, is my question.

Whatever method I set up. I think the issue is you don’t have a method and just wing it. Either it’s you need to go to your room and think about your behavior, you lose screen time, you lose some other thing, he has to wait for something he wants etc.. set the method and stick to it. Also switch to a firm tone when discussing these things. You need to break the bad habits and build better ones.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 11:56 am

amother Thistle wrote:

I have methods (timeout, lose a privilege, etc) but I'm not sure they're working. So I wanted to hear what other people use that is working.

↑ mushkamothers ↓

Today at 12:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yeah no thats not how kids work. That's just not how child development works under 1st grade...

amother

Stoneblue

Today at 1:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

Im far from an expert. But specifically this type of situation I personally try to avoid. If you are unable to physically enforce, don't ask. Because with young kids, physically making it happen if they " don't listen is the most tangible way for them to learn that they have to listen. And tangible is key.
So if I'm nursing on the couch, I won't tell my toddler to stop doing what he's doing or to bring me something. Either I'll try and distract/suggest etc to stop behavior, or ask/suggest instead of command in order to get a behavior.

amother

Zinnia

Today at 1:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

Our oldest child is a preschooler* and we have a couple younger as well. Lately when we give them directions or commands ("I'd like you to get in PJs now", "Please pick up your coat", "Stop jumping on the couch", "I need you to leave my room so I can get dressed") my oldest has taken to straight-up ignoring us, or telling us no, or responding with chutzpah ("YOU pick it up" or sticking out their tongue, or blowing a raspberry), and the next has started to copy. This is new terrain for us, so I'm looking for advice on how to respond in the moment, and how to work with my kids so that this type of behavior doesn't continue. I'd really like some concrete steps if possible.
Thank you all!

(*Edited to add, by preschooler I mean younger than 1st grade, but they're not a toddler anymore.)

can you say, "I am so sorry honey, but it's not a choice. I cannot allow you to continue staying in my room. If you want another minute you can ask for one, although it will be time to leave then." provide her with a choice so she feels like she has control, while still not giving her a choice of whether or not she listens to you. If she still doesn't do it you can say "Im so sorry but if you don't leave, I will have to carry you out of here." then start counting to ten - it is important not to provide eye contact so that you don't call too much attention to the negative behavior. Once she starts moving toward the door, say "wow, it looks like you made the right choice...." if still nothing gently lead her by arm out the door. make sure that you follow through when you tell her the amount of time and stuff like that so that she knows that you are consistent and her shenanigans won't work

amother

Dill ↓

Today at 1:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

I say: it wasn't a question. You have to do it.
I don't raise my voice, I say it in a calm but serious tone. Usually that's enough.

Stop xyz is generally not a good idea. Always say what they can do. Dh always says stop xyz and it ends in "arguments ".
You can't jump on the couch BUT YOU CAN jump on the trampoline.
Dd4 hates to play by herself. When I say I need to do this.. you have to play by yourself! It always ends in drama. Today I said: I will play paw Patrol for an hour which means we will play a whole school day for the pups and when the pups are picked up by their parents, I will start cooking. She didn't like it and wanted a second school day of course. But I reminded her of our deal and then she accepted it without any tears or screaming.

amother

↑ Dill

Today at 1:48 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

If you want kids to listen,
give a punishment for not listening.

The punishment should be as immediate as possible, so don't say you will lose something tomorrow or even hours away.

Maybe put in timeout or take away a favorite toy or dress and they have to earn it back by being good for a day.

This is 2025 not the 70s. Punishment for a 4-5 year old for not listening? Wow.
There's much better methods which work and have the child not resent you or their childhood.
Sometimes kids don't hear us talking because they are in their own little world. And that's okay.
I am a mother not a dictator. And I don't want to be one ever. I don’t punish when I don't get my way. Children don't try to annoy us and they aren't "bad". They are kids. And they do the best with the tools they are given. A child who feels loved and is CAPABLE to listen, will listen.
A child who is dreaming or thinking if their favorite toy or whatever can not listen. And to punish that child for not coming to you is horrible.

amother

↑ OP

Today at 1:54 pm

amother Dill wrote:

This is 2025 not the 70s. Punishment for. 4-5 year old for not listening? Wow.
There's much better methods which work and have the child not resent you or their childhood.
Sometimes kids don't hear us talking because they are in their own little world. And that's okay.
I am a mother not a dictator. And I don't want to be one ever. I don’t punish when I don't get my way. Children to try to annoy us and they aren't "bad". They are kids. And they do the best with the tools they are given. A child who feels loved and is CAPABLE to listen, will listen.
A child who is dreaming or thinking if their favorite toy or whatever can not listen. And to punish that child for not coming to you is horrible and stupid.

I mean, our child heard us perfectly well, and was choosing to ignore. And I know this because as soon as we mentioned a possible consequence they really didn't want, they came running. So they heard us the first time, and actively chose to ignore until they heard something that they felt they couldn't ignore. I don't want to have to jump to a consequence, but I don't believe it's somehow not age- appropriate for a 5 yr old to hear their parent say "come here" and actually come. It's not something outside their skill set, I'm not asking them to do some task they physically can't do....