S/o potching with explosive children

amother

Today at 11:13 am

If you have a higher needs child, explosive child etc, I’m wondering if you potch and if you think it’s effective?

I have a child with adhd and anxiety (potentially ocd, that’s something we are looking into now). She is explosive, extreme, moody, demanding, etc. there are frequent meltdowns, hurled insults, yelling at siblings and parents, occasional physical fight but bH not often. She is also wonderful and capable and loving and talented, and so much more, but for the sake of this thread that’s not what we are discussing!

We don’t potch her, it’s not something we believe in at all. But on a different thread someone said that she has one child who needs to be parented that way and it received many likes. So I want to hear your thoughts! How do you parent your explosive child? What have you found to be affective?

This is specifically for the more extreme explosive children. Not highly special needs, and not typical children who occasionally act out as all kids do.

amother

Vanilla

Today at 11:23 am

I have a child like this.
I never smacked them but dh did. The smack was effective in that it snapped them out of their fight-flight stupor.
It was not effective in preventing it the next time around. Because consequences don't work on that level of brain dyaregulation.
Also since this is a child who always sees themselves as the victim, I didn't want to give them any fodder for that belief and tried extra hard to stay squeaky clean.
But sometimes I wonder... parenting a kid like this makes you question everything.

amother

Blush

Today at 11:36 am

I have a child with ADD, sensory issues, much more challenging in many ways to raise. Child is now a teen.
I have a sibling whom I think my child takes after in many ways. Growing up, my sibling drove my parents nuts, and their tools in parenting were limited. Their go to was to potch (and worse). I remember my sibling being hit and screamed at constantly.
As a teen (and now as an adult) sibling had depression, moods, threatened suicide...still does. Threatens to leave family, to disappear, lots of dysfunctionality and issues, kids with issues, such a mess.
My take as older sibling was to parent my child differently. has not been easy, but positive parenting, lots of talking, modeling, trying to teach more flexible thinking. Lots of davening. Got alot of professional advice on parenting my child.
But my child is so much more functional in every way, and BH no mental health issues so far. Doing well in school, lots of friends, very normal/functional.

So my take is - an explosive child needs so much more. They internalize pain very deeply so a potch does even more damage (IMVHO).

giftedmom ↓

Today at 11:39 am

My kids are all high needs to some extent. I don’t discipline much, but enough that they know what the red lines are.
I really cannot afford to raise kids with the notion that violence towards a parent is ever okay. Both for my sake, their sake, and the sake of their future spouses.

amother

Lily

Today at 12:15 pm

I have a child with ADHD and anxiety with oppositional tendencies and lots of trouble with emotional regulation. He also has rejection sensitive dysphoria, so harsh parenting is like a knife in his heart. It took DH several years to realize that he doesn’t just need to be “put in his place “ and come around to a gentle parenting approach. There were at least one or two times when he potched DS and it only made things so much worse. It hurt DS to the core and caused him to try to take revenge. BH since then we have found an amazing therapist who has guided us and DS is doing worlds better.

TwinsMommy ↓

Today at 3:30 pm

No, I didn't hit my kids to show my kids that hitting people is wrong. I have SUPER high needs (special needs) twins, one of whom is STILL super aggressive at age 18. When he bites me am I tempted to bite back, especially if I'm still in pain a week later? You bet. Do I? NO!

I wasn't high needs but was spanked all the time as a kid. I lost all respect for my parents.

People in our community tell us our kids are the way they are because we don't abuse them. Yeah. I'd like to see some of these people try to raise our kids for just a week (WITHOUT spanking or ANY abuse).

If we WERE to spank our kids? They'd simply spank back--- MUCH harder. Do I think spanking TYPICAL kids is ok? Also no.

↑ giftedmom ↓

Today at 3:33 pm

TwinsMommy wrote:

You’re allowing an adult man to abuse you. The fact that he’s your son and special needs doesn’t make it okay. This is what happens when we normalize children hurting parents.

↑ TwinsMommy

Today at 3:48 pm

giftedmom wrote:

You’re allowing an adult man to abuse you. The fact that he’s your son and special needs doesn’t make it okay. This is what happens when we normalize children hurting parents.

Because I don't abuse him back I'm allowing it and normalizing it? I have him on multiple medications...... psychiatry....... talk therapy...... we've done wraparound centers, IHBT, ABA therapy, special ed schools, special ed vocational programming.....

Yup, because I don't beat the hell out of him, it's MY fault.

↑ giftedmom

Today at 4:02 pm

TwinsMommy wrote:

I didn’t say it’s your fault. I said you’re allowing it. Clearly it’s still happening.