Married children- are you a giver or taker?

↑ AlwaysGrateful

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 11:43 am

amother OP wrote:

"there is something so rewarding by being a giver."

You say that it is rewarding to be a giver. Wouldn't it be rewarding to be a giver to your parents who you love so much? Or to your in-laws, who raised your dh to be who he is?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 11:53 am

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

You say that it is rewarding to be a giver. Wouldn't it be rewarding to be a giver to your parents who you love so much? Or to your in-laws, who raised your dh to be who he is?

It is. Now that I’m thinking about it more I realize that all these years when I tried to give my parents, they refused to take. Their pride and joy was to give to us and never take.

Now that they are aging they have begun accepting and taking slowly but surely, and it is brings me immense joy to give them. And they still give while they take!

My in laws have always been takers. From their own parents and from their children as well. It doesn’t feel natural for me to love
to give to someone who only wants to take and expects to take and not give in return. Relationships have 2 parts to it. I know they gave to my husband as a child, but the feelings aren’t there for me. And it’s hard for my kids too…

I struggle with this and know I have to work on myself.

amother

Antiquewhite ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 11:56 am

This is a complicated question for me.

My mother is a taker. Takes from everyone. Probably has a personality disorder. But takes from friends and dumps them when they no longer are able to give to her

Expects us kids to give to her, give for her. It's never enough. A birthday present, why did we spend so little. Or why didn't we also make a party.

I love to give to my kids. (Im 40 and my kids are nearing adulthood). But I also feel so burnt out from giving giving giving that I'm getting resentful that my kids don't give to me. And then I hate myself because I feel like my mother who's always demanding that we give to her.
I'm just so given out. I never got given to as a kid, it was always giving to my mother. And then I had my babies so I gave gave gave
And now I wish someone would give me but I don't even know how to ask without sounding selfish

amother

Snapdragon

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 7:00 pm

amother Antiquewhite wrote:

In what way do you wish your children would give to you currently? Can you reframe that as long as they're doing what you expect from them, that's what they're giving you?

amother

↑ Antiquewhite

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 7:06 pm

amother Snapdragon wrote:

In what way do you wish your children would give to you currently? Can you reframe that as long as they're doing what you expect from them, that's what they're giving you?

Honestly? Anything.
Remember and wish me happy birthday. Offer to clear the table. Offer to run errands. Whatever.
They're good kids. Who listen usually when I tell them stuff.
But I feel drained from doing and giving and wish they would do on their own or give me.
It's more that I've been giving my whole life, unfairly and I'm tired.

amother

↑ Chocolate

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 7:11 pm

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

You say that it is rewarding to be a giver. Wouldn't it be rewarding to be a giver to your parents who you love so much? Or to your in-laws, who raised your dh to be who he is?

I think that the way you give to your parents is different to the way you give your children. My parents are wealthier than I am so giving back to them monetarily is not relevant. I live far from my parents but I organise gifts and parties to celebrate milestones even if I can't always attend in person. I call, send pictures etc. My siblings who live locally to them have the zechus to help them more on a day to day basis. I live close to my in-laws who have many children and we all pitch in. My DH does a lot for them, runs errands, takes in their shopping, we have them for meals and send food if they are unwell.Together with my DH's siblings we organise parties to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries. It's still not the same as the way we give to our children as I described in a previous post.

My children BH, seem to be learning to be givers. Some of them are better at it than others and take the lead. They'll bring a dish or dishes when they come for Shabbos or Yom tov, help set and clear up and chip in for gifts and parties.

amother

Cherry

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 7:30 pm

We were raised with only basics. Extras isn't in our mentality. Sometimes we give sometimes we take but in a very basic way. We were taught that a person's presence is gift enough. I'm not relating to this thread.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 9:04 pm

amother Snapdragon wrote:

In what way do you wish your children would give to you currently? Can you reframe that as long as they're doing what you expect from them, that's what they're giving you?

Most humans crave to be the receiving end at some point. If she never “received” as a child she will always be a taker…

And by “receive” it could apply to stuff, love, time etc…

Fox

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 9:45 pm

I'd love to be one of those people who gives perfect, imaginative gifts on every birthday or makes parties that delight the whole family.

Sadly, those are not my "love languages." I routinely forget everyone's birthday, including my own. My parties are meh.

Nor am I capable of full support for a couple.

But I do what I can:

* Contribute generously when there's a big sale on children's clothes or toward some other bargain or special expense.

* Make and deliver dinners when my DDs/DILs are expecting, tired, sick, or just not up to it.

* Babysit A LOT. I regularly babysit approximately 15 hours a week, and I take care of the newborns overnight or at least 5-6 hours a day.

* Make and deliver challah every week to in-town kids, along with cookies for the grandkids' lunches.

I don't know where on the spectrum I would be located. I try to help my kids, and they try to help me.

amother

Ghostwhite

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 10:02 pm

I’ve always been a giver.
Not really great at taking.
I’ll agree with a few PP- if you have a taker in your life the non stop giving does get exhausting.
My parents are young and are pretty live and let live. The aren’t big on either giving or taking. When I go for Shabbos, I bring along a few things. When I go for YT I offer to drive In for a day and cook. It’s appreciated.
My in-laws were very generous by nature. They never had much monetarily but offered they time, hospitality, always with zero expectations. Now they are older, my mil is constantly stressed out from the care it takes to deal with my fil. When we visit she’ll dump so much responsibility on us like she just NEEDED the break so badly. I get it but it’s exhausting

joker

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 10:12 pm

Its an interesting question I ask myself all the time. But for me I word it are you selfless or selfish and is that a natural tendency? What causes people to be that way? For all of us saying we're givers I wonder if the people around us would agree. My mother is a giver and I was raised with a strong sense that giving is right (of course with boundaries) but this in ludes being gracious. My mother in law just doesn't have it and I see her kids don't either. It's almost like a Holocaust mentality ...if I give away my extra piece of bread what if I don't have tomorrow. Except we arent in the Holocaust bh any more. Even things as simple as temp in the house if she wants a certain temp. Everyone has to accommodate that and make her happy . As her daughter in laws we have gotten used to working around her . But I wonder if this is truly her nature or is it nurture ??

amother

Nemesia

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 11:31 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

I love this take. Having just love, no expectations, makes it so much easier. I wouldn’t want to have to rely on others to take care of me. It also makes it that much nicer when you do get a gift, because it’s an extra and not because anyone thought they had to

Married in my 20's and this is how I feel. Maybe it's because I never relied on my parents (abusive dysfunctional household).

I was blessed with amazing in laws who do so much for us, and I have no expectations. But they really support us emotionally, phsyically, me and dh both talk to his mother every day.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 10:46 am

Fox wrote:

Fox, you sound like a natural giver.

Btw, I don’t think fully supporting married children is an ideal, even if you could swing it financially.

They’re much better off learning to make it on their own (or with a bit of help).

Just saying Smile