I smacked my daughter. Hard. :( Update pg 19

↑ giftedmom ↓

Yesterday at 8:46 pm

I just posed this scenario to my very bright adorable ND pre-teen. In a few words. Here’s her response.
“The parent should take the child by the hands and explain to them that they can’t do that and they must get a potch. A child must understand that it’s absolutely crazy and not normal to hurt a parent. If they come home hungry and dysregulated they can maybe fight with a sibling but a parent is not a friend or a sibling”
I should mention that I’m the kind of parent who almost never punishes. Bh I rarely feel the need to.
Maybe there is hope for this generation after all, if we don’t let them grow up feral that is

amother

↑ Hyssop ↓

Yesterday at 9:03 pm

giftedmom wrote:

This sounds very healthy. I think that it’s important to say that each parent has a different personality and gives off different vibes. Some parents may naturally have more of an authority and give that off to their kids without even trying. From what I’ve observed Those are the parents that generally tend to think more in the lines of this is what I expect from my child and there’s no two ways about it.

As opposed to someone like me who has much less “natural control”. That is it
Something I cant change and I don’t want my whole parenting to be about a power struggle and me getting upset that kids are not listening. I therefore learn to lower my expectations when I deem it necessary.

You asked upthread about what id do when my child gets older and I can’t physically hold him. I don’t have all the answers . All I know is that it will not help this child if I punish him every time he’s out of control. So I let things slide. It happens to be he doesn’t hit anymore .he’s also not am agressive child in general . He did that when he was 4,5. Now he is 6 and when he is out of sorts what he does is push down the garbage can or whatever is on the counters. He doesn’t do this intention, he doesn’t want to be doing it. This mess actually triggers me much more than the hitting which didn’t really hurt coming from a small child. But what I see is that he moves on to something else which makes me feel that he’ll outgrow this behavior too. I don’t think he’ll ever outgrow being a person who struggles with emotional regulation. That will always be a part of him. But my goal is to help my beloved, delicious, sweet child work though this. And that is by working on myself to stay calm and present for him as best as I can.

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 9:04 pm

Okay, I'm not catching up, but here's my update:

Here's what followed.
The next morning as I was helping dd get ready for school I told her I was really sorry that I hurt her and once again told her how much I love her. And then I demanded an apology from her. At first she denied having done anything wrong, so we spoke about it and I asked her if she thinks pinching and lifting my skirt is okay. She smiled and said "I'm sorry." Then I spoke to her a little about waiting patiently.

I made an extra effort to hurry home from work so I can get dinner done before the kids got home so they have me fully present. I also prepared a plate of ready cut up apples on the table. When she walked through the door and noticed the plate she asked me "You prepared this special for me?" She was beaming! (She didn't even end up eating it, but it didn't even matter.)
I also tried to catch her in moments where she waited patiently and praised her.

.
I'm trying my best to move forward and not think much of the incident as I tend to get stuck in my guilt.
I grew up being hit a LOT. It did much damage to me. I remember promising myself that when I'll be a parent I will never ever hit. That didn't happen. I hit plenty and some. It was awful, because I knew the repercussions they had, but my thoughts and wishes were simply not in sync with my impulses. I deeply struggled at controlling my impulses and when I did hit my guilt was so strong, I'd often fall into a depression because of it. I knew I was messing up my kids but I simply didn't know how to help myself. It was living hell.
Fast forward a few years and I learned what meds and therapy are. I did a lot of inner work. Worked through lots of trauma. I've come an extremely long way. It's probably been over 2 years since I last hit a child. I'm proud of who I've become and try not to get sucked in by the mistakes I make.

I appreciate everyone's support and I did get to read many responses. I sincerely appreciate all of you who took the time to reply.

amother

↑ Hyssop ↓

Yesterday at 9:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is beautiful. Her reaction to your cut- up apples actually made me emotional. This is a child who feels seen, understood, and heard. No more guilt! You rock!

↑ giftedmom ↓

Yesterday at 9:11 pm

amother Hyssop wrote:

Let me tell you something. A 6 year old out of control is one thing. A 12+ year old male is something quite different. It’s SCARY. The few times that I had it, even though I wasn’t getting hurt, it really triggered me. You need to think of a lasting solution because this doesn’t go away by itself. It gets worse when the testosterone hits.

amother

Seashell ↓

Yesterday at 9:14 pm

There’s a very loud minority on here that gets triggered by any sort of physical punishment. Most people can’t be bothered enough to argue with them and explain why a small potch wouldn’t traumatize a normal healthy child.

To those who are getting all bent out of shape by the concept of a potch, maybe you should try to understand that not everyone was horrifically abused like you were. If “correcting” the cycle of abuse perpetuated by your parents makes you feel better about yourself, go on and raise your kids however you like. But the concept of potching a regular child really isn’t rocket science, and most people grow up without feeling “puzzled”, “bewildered” or “defeated” when they are taught a lesson.

To the amother who compared potching to killing a dog, are you for real? You’re not doing any favors for your argument Can't Believe It

amother

↑ Stonewash

Yesterday at 9:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

You absolutely ROCK mama!
Your daughter was beaming because she realized how important her needs are to you! She felt loved and seen and cherished. I'm over here and I'm beaming for her!
Be proactive in having prepped snacks (even bought cookies or baby carrots, so no prep.)
You're a working mother, you need to chill with your kids too. Make you appreciate who you are doing it all for.

I'm so happy you were able to bounce back like that. It's call resilience. It's an amazing middoh.

amother

↑ Hyssop

Yesterday at 9:22 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I hear ya. I really don’t have all the answers. I daven for him all the time that he should grow up to be a healthy successful individual. Besides for that I don’t know what else can be done for him right now. He does well in school socially, academically. It’s just at home where he lets loose.

What I’m not willing to give up on is the understanding I give him even in his meltdowns. This is me as a mother knowing my specific child. It’s what feels right to me.

amother

↑ Aubergine ↓

Yesterday at 9:26 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Her response to me is concerning. Im quite surprised that you are ok with potching as you understand the world of CPTSD.

↑ Giraffe ↓

Yesterday at 9:28 pm

chanatron1000 wrote:

She wasn't referring to potching. She was referring to a child hitting a parent being chayav misa.

If you're going to mock someone's take, read it first.

Thanks for defending me.

Imamother Seashell that was a very disgusting accusation you threw at me. I am willing to mochel you but not for free. Apologize to me either anonymously here or in my PM if you trust me enough not to reveal your identity. No freebies. I have a very sore spot for false accusations.

amother

↑ Aubergine ↓

Yesterday at 9:28 pm

amother Seashell wrote:

Don’t minimize the damage of potching.
You sound very chilled about potching.
There are lots of mechanchim and rabbanim that speak out against potching. I’m not sure why you are trivializing something so damaging.

amother

↑ Teal ↓

Yesterday at 9:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

Wow OP, you are amazing. It warms my heart to read this.