S/o- does your DH ever potch?

↑ Peersupport

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 12:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

How do you explain corporal punishment in the Torah? If mashiach comes tomorrow there will be malkos. Fear of aveiros is very much a Torah concept. There is a place for it.

We don't know what will be when moshiach comes.
I'd like to believe in a loving Bashefer.

Loving Hashem is a healthier way of living than doing things out of fear.

Chassidus is about deenen Hashem mit Simcha. Not out of fear of punishment.

I don't know which Rabbonim you spoke to, but a very few minority of Rabbonim would say that potching today is acceptable.

Extremism doesn't come from a healthy place.
There's always a golden middle path to discipline with love.

There are so many other options. Why would we choose something questionable?

The Torah outright say negatives things for someone that raises a hand to another.

It's a good enough source for me, to find alternative parenting methods to raise respectful children, and do my very best to maintain a loving relationship with them.

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 12:20 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Depends what her circles are. Everyone I know hits in some capacity or another. I know some younger people who do not and their children are generally not pleasant.
I work in school and I know that when I have an out of control child, minus a diagnosis, that her parents are probably not strict and use newer parenting methods. I have also had wild children whose parents told me that they hit their child and I should let them know if the behavior does not improve. At least they are showing an interest.

You sound so ridiculous. As if hitting children creates pleasant children . Bh my kids were never hit aside from the tap at age 2 for trying to run in the street . And also my 2 oldest on one occasion each in which I lost control and I have apologized to them multiple times . I worked on my parenting and my youngest cannot even fathom what it would mean to be hit by a parent . Bh, my children are extraordinarily pleasant and never chutzpadik . They rarely even fight with each other. I guess I should start beating them up and probably they will become the most perfect people in the world .

↑ Chayalle

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 12:29 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

We should line up our children to get them diagnosed by your expertise.
Maybe, just maybe, there are children in your school with various types of personalities, strengths, and weaknesses.
As the parent of a child with ADD, I learned alot about children with inborn traits and tendencies. And that there can be parents with different types of children in their own family, and they have perhaps learned (like I have) to parent the child - Chanoch L'Naar al pi Darko - that is, not every child can be parented the same way. There are children who have a tendency to be more wild, and some who are more calm.

seltzermom ↓

Sat, Jan 04 2025, 4:21 pm

Didn’t read all responses

1. A child saying a dirty word is a normal developmental stage. Enjoy it! Don’t pay too much attention. It has NO long term implications.

2. A child speaking chutzpah is usually not chutzpah but like others said, it’s a young stress response. Little kids interpret people as mean when they disappoint them and when they express their anger it will be done primitively because they aren’t developed enough to have more perspective.

3. Child running into the street is also very temporary and needs more supervision at that age.

Most harsh discipline is more of a Christian punitory approach that we adapted in this long exile. It’s mostly a gross misunderstanding of the child and a complete over reaction of the parent.

If the child behaves like a child and the parent leads as a grounded wise adult the child will mimic that more and more as they grow and develop.

I never noticed or cared when my kids said dirty words and none of them do that as teens or young adults or even much in their childhood past a certain age.

I never cared if my kids said outrageous things to me or called me names. And none of them do that as teens or young adults. And if they did I would not react, I would see that they are having a very dysregulated moment. I also don’t take personally if my husband says something stupid because that’s coming from his young part and doesn’t require a reaction from me nor does it mean anything. Ninety nine percent of the time my older kids are completely respectful and I NEVER made a big deal out of chutzpah.

My kids are teens and adults and they don’t run into the street:)

Hence, most potching is misunderstanding why the child is behaving the way they are and not realizing it’s just primitive behavior that they naturally outgrow.

Also most potching is the parent matching the primitive behavior of the child.

Parental calm leadership that emphasizes the responsibility of the parent to notice their own triggers and learn not to be reactive while maintaining connection and clear boundaries is far more powerful then any well intentioned potch.

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:56 am

I don't know about you, but my youngest is a toddler and she hits. I don't think if she got a light potch that it would faze her, but we never have potched her - I highly doubt it would modify her behavior for the better. I am constantly teaching her not to hit us, other kids, her siblings, etc. Turning around and hitting her would not be chinuch, it would be sending mixed messages. If I expect her not to hit, I need to model that for her.

We do not hit, potch, smack, or anything else. Not for danger, not for cursing a parent, not for anything. Believe me, there are plenty of ways to change a child's behavior with consequences aside from hitting or time out. It may take more creativity to think of something that works for your child, but I believe that's our job as parents. I believe that true chinuch links the consequence to the action and teaches a real lesson. It's hard, it's challenging, and sometimes it isn't immediate, but chinuch is a process and not just instant results. I'm sure anyone could hit their kid until they agree to do anything, but that isn't chinuch. Sometimes when prevention is needed for something dangerous, a hit isn't the answer - I put a baby gate on the stairs instead of leaving them open and potching the kids if they get close, so I wouldn't potch a kid for other dangerous situations and I would find a way to safeguard my child and/or the situation - watching my kids is also part of parenting and it may be harder than potching but it is my job.

Also, my kids are way more afraid of me than of my husband - and neither of us potch. But they know I know how to give them meaningful consequences (and a solid lecture which they say is worse than a punishment). If someone needs to keep the kids in line, it is me, not my husband. And he would potch for dangerous situations if I agreed, but I do not, because I have better ways to teach them how not to cross boundaries. Even if we potched a little kid for running into the street or using a curse word, you can't potch kids forever - older kids can cross unsafely or curse (yes, even those who were potched as a child, because potching does not prevent bad behavior, it just helps them hide it better) and they need to understand the consequences of their actions which is most important in chinuch.

Also, just because rabbis do something or don't have a problem with something, doesn't make it right. There are rabbis who smoke, that doesn't make smoking a good thing to do.

Also, a genuine question - if you are saying potching is just a tap on the hand that doesn't hurt, how would that convey to a child that they are doing something wrong? I am really confused here. If I tapped my kids anywhere, whether 2 years old or 12, they wouldn't understand what was a going on. How would a tap be more effective than a time out or anything else really? If it hurt, I would understand why people would think that's effective (I think it is wrong), but people seem to be specifying a potch that is just a tap that doesn't hurt. And if it is because I look angry or sound angry, why bother with the tapping at all?

↑ mommy3b2c

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 11:04 am

amother Amethyst wrote:

I answered your last question earlier . I look at them sternly when they color on the walls . I don’t want them to think coloring on the walls is the same offense as running in the street . And I don’t believe in the tap on the hand for cursing or chutzpah or anything else . It is reserved solely for something dangerous. And has happened between 0-2 times to each of my children . I can understand why people disagree with me on this , I can’t understand why people don’t realize that it has nothing to do with others who hit their children and think good parenting is hitting their child . I am extremely anti hitting children . I am extremely anti yelling at children .

amother

Maroon

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 12:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is. A spin-off of previous parenting threads where people are going nuts over potching. I am against hitting. Hitting in anger, hitting for kids being kids, when a mother is overtired and overwhelmed that is clearly wrong and there are much more effective ways of dealing with things.

But saying just touching a kid nowadays is abuse and never done seems very ridiculous and like a trauma response many people have from their own childhood experiences. I believe most parents still do potch (when needed and not often!) especially fathers who are more logical and practical. I also believe this is the Torah way. We are supposed to have fear of aveiros and understand a final authority and yield, something that is so missing in this generation due to weak parenting. For example a 2 year old runs into the street after being told not to and the father is there he wouldn’t give a potch or two? Or a 4 year old shows extreme chutzpah after being spoken to and warned, a father will talk and give time outs? I Don’t buy it. In real life no one I know would stand by and allow their kid to do that as a father especially. Please be honest do you do this in your family when the situation warrants it and the child is young enough that it won’t cause shame and trauma?

You don't sound like you want to know the truth but I will tell you anyway. Very young children can have trauma. The body remembers.
You are lying to yourself to make yourself feel better.

No dh doesn't potch. He wouldn't be dh if he did. I don't tolerate any physical abuse in this house. And no yelling at the kids either. Absolutely none. If it happens there needs to be an apology.
I always say..treat your kids the same way you treat strangers. Do you hit your neighbors? Do you yell at them? Most ppl are nice to strangers and aweful to their family. They want others to think they are nice and don't care what their kids thinj or feel.

Would it be okay for you if your husband gave you a potch? No obviously not. Why? Are you worth more than your kids? Do you deserve more respect?
It's crazy to think that hashem entrusted a child to you and your husband. To care for and teach and help this child fulfill his/her potential. And you think it's okay to potch that child? Hashem lends us these precious neshamas. They aren't ours. I definitely am never potching anything that is an HONOUR to be given by hashem himself.
A good parent doesn't have to potch btw. Potching and any other physical abuse happens when people don't know what to do. If you don't know how to handle your child without physical punishment you are in dire need of parenting classes.

amother

Peachpuff

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 12:41 pm

seltzermom wrote:

Please explain to me how this works. I'm not sure if it makes a difference but my kids are not biologically mine, their mother passed away and I married their father.
So it's a little complicated.
But the same kids who said outrageous things at 3/4 are still saying outrageous things at 8/9 and 13/14. And with maturity and more developed brains it gets worse and worse and more chutzpahdik and more. At what point do your kids "grow out of it"
Yes, they are in therapy, we work on emotional skills etc. But I have not seen that they grow out of these things