S/o- does your DH ever potch?

amother

OP ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 4:58 am

This is. A spin-off of previous parenting threads where people are going nuts over potching. I am against hitting. Hitting in anger, hitting for kids being kids, when a mother is overtired and overwhelmed that is clearly wrong and there are much more effective ways of dealing with things.

But saying just touching a kid nowadays is abuse and never done seems very ridiculous and like a trauma response many people have from their own childhood experiences. I believe most parents still do potch (when needed and not often!) especially fathers who are more logical and practical. I also believe this is the Torah way. We are supposed to have fear of aveiros and understand a final authority and yield, something that is so missing in this generation due to weak parenting. For example a 2 year old runs into the street after being told not to and the father is there he wouldn’t give a potch or two? Or a 4 year old shows extreme chutzpah after being spoken to and warned, a father will talk and give time outs? I Don’t buy it. In real life no one I know would stand by and allow their kid to do that as a father especially. Please be honest do you do this in your family when the situation warrants it and the child is young enough that it won’t cause shame and trauma?

amother

DarkPurple ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 5:14 am

Israeli fathers don't. I just saw a 3 YO boy hit his Aba on the face and the father didn't potch. I think the boy was wound up and confused rsther than chutzpah though, because he immediately started crying after hitting the dad, even though the dad did no physical retailiation, just made a face and said something like "what is this?!"

amother

DarkGray ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 5:22 am

amother DarkPurple wrote:

What a strange generalization. Im sure there atr fathers in israel that potch galore.

amother

↑ DarkPurple ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 5:30 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

What a strange generalization. Im sure there atr fathers in israel that potch galore.

It's illegal in Israel, so they certainly don't do it public. I've lived here over 15 years and never seen a public smack. I'm sure some do privately, but would guess it is a minority.

amother

Lemonchiffon ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 6:10 am

Mine doesn't. He's even more strongly against hitting than I am. He will absolutely put a kid in time out, take something away etc. I also don't understand people who.think non hitters don't discipline. Of course we discipline our kids. Just not through hitting. And whatever we're doing is working, we get complimented on our kids' behavior all the time. We have some teens, so we are not young and inexperienced. We have some neurodivergent kids, so no, not all easy. We've seen and dealt with a lot. But one thing we've both agreed and and stayed firm on is we don't hit. I don't think we're unusual.

amother

Tuberose

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 6:16 am

I've never seen anyone I know with young children hit, or "potch" a child. Ever.
There are other ways to discipline a child without being physically violent or threatening violence. I wasn't, my dh wasn't, none of my friends were. This was more than one generation back back for us, maybe the grandparents did but our parents didn't behave like that.

We all grew up fine without it thanks, the lack of a potch didn't spoil any child I know.

amother

↑ DarkPurple

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 6:18 am

I also disagree with OP's premise that men are more likely to potch than women. Both my parents (non-Israeli) did, my mom did more. I've definitely seen more women (US) do it than men. The two times I heard someone threaten it in Israel (one was American), both were women.

Perhaps in the olden days when parents would really beat their children and leave them with all kinds of bruises and lacerations -- that may have been more of a father thing than a mother thing. But since at least the 90s when a smack is more common than a harcore beating, I've seen it done by mothers more.

JasmineDragon

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 6:23 am

amother OP wrote:

I think you're misunderstanding how shame and trauma work. Maybe the child won't explicitly remember it happening (although a 4 year old might), but they'll still feel hurt, scared, confused, and yes, shamed. Young children especially need to feel safe with their parents. There's no such thing as "young enough" not to be traumatized.

I don't agree that there are situations that "warrant hitting", either.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 6:36 am

amother DarkPurple wrote:

It's illegal in Israel, so they certainly don't do it public. I've lived here over 15 years and never seen a public smack. I'm sure some do privately, but would guess it is a minority.

Ive been here longer than that and have seen fathers and mothers hit in public. Of course people do things that ate illegal.

amother

Cherry

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 7:17 am

Dh would never, goes against everything he believes in, in terms of parenting. I was smacked maybe twice as a kid, by my father, but even though I don’t agree with that form of parenting, I really don’t hold it against him AT ALL, because it was done really sensitively and gently, with no anger at all. I remember him saying, ‘I don’t want to do this, and I’m not going to do it hard, just a little tap to remind you that what you just did is not ok in this house.’ Then gave a tiny pat and asked, did that hurt, then gave me a big hug. He’s very loving but had been taught that in certain circumstances, it should be used.

I strongly believe that for today’s generation, it does nothing but harm. This does not mean our children are weaker than we were, on the contrary, I think they have to be unbelievably resilient to thrive in this world, more so than us. It just means that the world changes, generations change, and we have to adapt to it. Outdated parenting methods are not just illegal, they are ineffective and harmful.

amother

Ruby

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 7:50 am

Stupid q but what is considered a porch? Sometimes my husband may lightly tap dd and in a stern voice say no etc (he is Israeli).
She only cries after and says abba is being mean to me or abba isn’t my friend etc (she’s 4), not from physical pain

It happens very rarely usually and well usually do a calm down chair and breathing to calm child down

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:04 am

JasmineDragon wrote:

If a father is in the room and a child angrily tells the mother I hate you your are a **** you don’t think the father should take the child into another room and give them a slap? There are certain lines that can’t be crossed that a potch has a place for. A slap teaches a child immediate boundaries and to never cross a certain line. The state of society has deteriorated greatly since a slap or parental authority became taboo. I think many people who are arguing “never… abuse” are influenced by not Jewish ideology. Many gedolim and frum circles have no problem with a potch. Yes I know there are several who are against but many more are not. No one is talking about daily slapping or consistently hitting. There’s a time and place for strong authority.

mommy3b2c ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:06 am

I happen to think that it is absolutely NECESSARY to tap a kid lightly on the hand when running into the street . So that’s not a very good example in my opinion. But other then that , it’s never ok to hit a kid and my husband wouldn’t even tap lightly if they ran into the street which gets me upset with him. So no, not all men would hit their kids .

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:07 am

amother OP wrote:

No the father should not take them in a room and give them a slap . How disgusting and humiliating .

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 8:17 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

No the father should not take them in a room and give them a slap . How disgusting and humiliating .

And time out isn’t humiliating? And if the kid is a defiant kid who runs out and the parent drags him back over and over etc
You can’t treat your children like adults sometimes they need to be a bit stunned for their own good. When there is no true fear of crossing a certain line bec the worst that can happen is a parent taking away privileges or some other trending punishment that doesn’t work, it’s not good for the child.