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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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giftedmom
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 Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:01 am
| amother Banana wrote: | Wow! All these threads are making me want to stop hosting. I generally do it as a favor, when asked to put people up (not for my own pleasure), but now I’m wondering if we are actually doing anyone a favor after all, since we can’t check all the boxes to meet everyone’s expectations.
ETA: Wondering why people keep asking us, though |
There’s a big difference if you’re hosting for sleeping only or with food as well. If people are there for a simcha it’s on the bal simcha to make sure they have food and that includes Friday afternoon.
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amother
Orchid
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:03 am
| ShishKabob wrote: | | This, you need to have something to offer, can be cookies, cake, farfel, kugel. Anything really. |
Definitely depends on when they show up … but we always buy candy, nosh and have kugel, mini shnitzels and drinks ready … I’m usually up to cleaning the kitchen once they’re here
When going to my parents for shabbos I always stop at the pizza shop this way we’re not in the way of cooking and cleaning bc I know it’s a lot to entertain and clean at the same time.🤪
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amother
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:05 am
| giftedmom wrote: | | Like I said, don’t be a martyr. If you can’t host without letting people starve then don’t host. |
Is it all or nothing? If a woman isn't able to also take care of feeding her guests
something on erev Shabbos when they come in then she should not host at all ever?
Since it seems from most posts that the genral consesus is that feeding Friday lunch is nice but not expected (for guests coming in Friday afternoon before Shabbos), perhaps a lady who is invited somewhere for Shabbos should tell her host ahead of time that she is expecting some food for her and her kids Friday afternoon so there are no surprises.
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giftedmom
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:09 am
| amother Eggshell wrote: | Is it all or nothing? If a woman isn't able to also take care of feeding her guests
something on erev Shabbos when they come in then she should not host at all ever?
Since it seems from most posts that the genral consesus is that feeding Friday lunch is nice but not expected (for guests coming in Friday afternoon before Shabbos), perhaps a lady who is invited somewhere for Shabbos should tell her host ahead of time that she is expecting something for her and her kids so there are no surprises. |
IMO it is all or nothing because letting people starve with no options is worse than just not hosting them at all. At least then they’re in their own house and can feed themselves or in someone else’s house getting fed. It’s a very helpless feeling being in a strange environment with kids and just being hungry because there is no food available.
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amother
Pink
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:12 am
I grew up with hot food on Friday it’s always the same menu if I’m going to a relative I know they make the same for Friday lunch and it’s available all day till Shabbos starts
But as a guest if I show up after 130 I don’t expect anything other than maybe a snack but I usually bring my own stash of munchies and definitely eat lunch before or on the way if I’m coming after lunch time even if my host tells me there will be food available because I don’t want to crowd her kitchen with cranky hungry kids on a busy day
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Checkmate
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:15 am
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I would always have something to offer my guests on Friday, no matter when they show up. It doesn't have to be a meal. They get warm kugel and farfel with some sliced cake and fruit. If things are hectic, at minimum I'll buy a kugel and keep it in my oven. I'm also taken back by how this is not a given. Hug me all you want, but anyone who walks through my door even for a short visit is offered something to make a bracha on, like coffee and cake or fruit. Maybe this is a cultural thing...
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amother
Wheat
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:18 am
| amother OP wrote: | The furthest any of my guests come is an hour away.
If they were coming from very far or staying over Thursday of course I feed them on Friday. |
I agree. Coming from an hour away is not like coming from 7.
They should not expect a meal.
Kugel and fruit/veg is perfect
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Perly1
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:19 am
The guest was incredibly wrong to badmouth her hostess.
I hope she doesn't invite herself again another time, coming early from an hr away with her family of 10 expecting food on a hectic erev Shabbos.
If she has the chutzpah to, OP pls say no!
The more work we make 'standard' and 'expected' the more it becomes too much for people to host people at all.
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amother
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:20 am
| baked ziti wrote: | | I would always have something to offer my guests on Friday, no matter when they show up. It doesn't have to be a meal. They get warm kugel and farfel with some sliced cake and fruit. If things are hectic, at minimum I'll buy a kugel and keep it in my oven. I'm also taken back by how this is not a given. Hug me all you want, but anyone who walks through my door even for a short visit is offered something to make a bracha on, like coffee and cake or fruit. Maybe this is a cultural thing... |
Do you work full time, including Fridays?
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NechaMom
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:20 am
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Yes. You offer food and drink for the entire duration of their stay whether it starts Thursday night or Friday afternoon. It doesn't have to be fancy or homemade but you are responsible for their food if you host them. If you're not upto providing food please don't invite.
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Checkmate
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:29 am
Like I said, store bought kugel warmed in the oven. The cake and challah are also allowed to be bought.
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amother
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:32 am
If guests come lunch time they will get the same lunch as my family. I'm talking about coming after lunch but before shabbos. I'm focusing on getting the house and all the cooking ready and then I need to stop to host a meal and people making new mess. If it's a long Friday not so much of an issue because I have more time and theres a kugel served late afternoon.
I live in a place where there is multiple stores with ready made food open until an hour before shabbos.
I actually told this family not to come early because I don't have a huge house and I needed to focus on the the Sheva Brochos and not have 10 extra people hanging around my house. They decided to come early to help. Hahahaha. I didn't get a ounce of help just being bad mouthed.
The circumstances were that I was making sheva Brochos for a neighbor who is a relative to this family. The family is DHs brothers family. My neighbor had a huge leak from a freezer that got unplugged the day before the chasuna and she called me crying that she can't cook new food or afford to cater and now she can't host with the smell and I said that I would do it for her. I literally took on the entire sheva Brochos. I also couldn't afford to cater it. I cooked all the food, dealt with the set up and decor from local shops because most of hers was ruined. BH she had booked a waiter that we had and paid for. I was busy borrowing chairs and tables and warmers. The family knew this was going on. I told them not to come early and that things would be very hectic. They decided to come early but they'll help. They came in with a gazillion suitcases, marched into my small kitchen and asked for food.
A few days later they told my neighbor that I kicked them out of the kitchen and nebach they had to go to a local place to buy some food to eat because I didn't serve them. And that I just like to show off my hosting by making the Sheva Brochos but I was so rude to them and I didn't even feed them.
Of course when people come I offer them something to eat or drink but I don't prepare a meal or a spread. In this case I prepared nothing and just handed them random snacks to eat I don't know where because my house was packed with tables and chairs.
I was not asking if I should offer a snack or not I was asking if I'm obliged to feed guests real sit down food in the afternoon before (a winter) shabbos.
If Im wrong I'm wrong, I'll try to do better next time.
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Checkmate
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:33 am
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From when the guest walk through my door, their comfort is on me. I think it's cold to say "Why didn't you eat before you left?". If having warm kugel and farfel is too hard, even store bought, have some sliced cake and fruit set out for them. Something to show that you're happy to have them and want them to be comfortable.
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Bnei Berak 10
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:36 am
| amother Banana wrote: | Wow! All these threads are making me want to stop hosting. I find it to be somewhat difficult and generally do it as a favor, when asked to put people up (not for my own pleasure), but now I’m wondering if we are actually doing anyone a favor after all, since we can’t check all the boxes to meet everyone’s expectations.
ETA: Wondering why people keep asking us, though |
ITA
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flowerpower
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:40 am
Op, your guest is very wrong.You are so special for hosting 10 people. That is a lot! Plus you cooked sheva brachos in one day. Wow!!! The guest should have stayed out of your way and gone to eat somewhere. Your neighbor the baal simcha was actually the one responsible for feeding them before shabbos. Not you.
I have guest all the time. If they come just to sleep then I have no obligation to feed them. If they are my guest then I offer kugal and ferfel etc.
Last edited by flowerpower on Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:45 am; edited 1 time in total
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Iymnok
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:42 am
Toameha does not mean an etev shabbos meal. It means to taste the food to make sure it's cooked and spiced well for shabbos.
It's very entitled to come to someone's house erev shabbos and expect to be served.
Offer to help.
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amother
Bellflower
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:45 am
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Just a little nosh is fine. Can be a plate of fruit. Or some cookies.
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shev
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:45 am
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I always serve food Friday afternoon. I serve shabbos food and fruit. I don't find it hard. I do find it hard that it's sort of expected to serve food motzei shabbos. My Guests usually leave motzei shabbos but they prob want to eat before so they don't get home hungry and have to start feeding all the kids late..
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giftedmom
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:47 am
| amother OP wrote: | If guests come lunch time they will get the same lunch as my family. I'm talking about coming after lunch but before shabbos. I'm focusing on getting the house and all the cooking ready and then I need to stop to host a meal and people making new mess. If it's a long Friday not so much of an issue because I have more time and theres a kugel served late afternoon.
I live in a place where there is multiple stores with ready made food open until an hour before shabbos.
I actually told this family not to come early because I don't have a huge house and I needed to focus on the the Sheva Brochos and not have 10 extra people hanging around my house. They decided to come early to help. Hahahaha. I didn't get a ounce of help just being bad mouthed.
The circumstances were that I was making sheva Brochos for a neighbor who is a relative to this family. The family is DHs brothers family. My neighbor had a huge leak from a freezer that got unplugged the day before the chasuna and she called me crying that she can't cook new food or afford to cater and now she can't host with the smell and I said that I would do it for her. I literally took on the entire sheva Brochos. I also couldn't afford to cater it. I cooked all the food, dealt with the set up and decor from local shops because most of hers was ruined. BH she had booked a waiter that we had and paid for. I was busy borrowing chairs and tables and warmers. The family knew this was going on. I told them not to come early and that things would be very hectic. They decided to come early but they'll help. They came in with a gazillion suitcases, marched into my small kitchen and asked for food.
A few days later they told my neighbor that I kicked them out of the kitchen and nebach they had to go to a local place to buy some food to eat because I didn't serve them. And that I just like to show off my hosting by making the Sheva Brochos but I was so rude to them and I didn't even feed them.
Of course when people come I offer them something to eat or drink but I don't prepare a meal or a spread. In this case I prepared nothing and just handed them random snacks to eat I don't know where because my house was packed with tables and chairs.
I was not asking if I should offer a snack or not I was asking if I'm obliged to feed guests real sit down food in the afternoon before (a winter) shabbos.
If Im wrong I'm wrong, I'll try to do better next time. |
Looks like you bit off more than you can chew.
That doesn’t change the fact that generally speaking if you’re hosting people you’re responsible for providing food.
And yes it was uncalled for for them to arrive early when you specifically asked them not to. But you asked a general question.
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Raisin
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:48 am
I thought one wasn't meant to eat a proper meal (kugel and schnitzel=proper meal) so close to shabbos.
I always offer cake and coffee, maybe some shabbos food that is going spare. Or a cheese toastie or similiar if I don't have extra food.
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