Please help me with my 6 year old

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 10:39 pm

DS 6 is so so draining and difficult.
He is diagnosed with HFASD and his behaviors are everything and all over. He can be yummy, smart, delicious, sweet kind and gentle.
But in one second he can switch and forget it.
Hitting, throwing things, tantrums.
He is in a regular class and does well in school in the classroom. Socializing is a big challenge for him and he is either sititng himself or getting into trouble with kids. ( He says they start up).
At home I've tried everything- charts, positive rewards, gentle words, massages, cuddling time, sensory diet. Everything. Litterally no books or advice works. If he gets upset he derails completely.
Sometimes I understand why he's upset , for example if a baby broke his lego etc. Other times its his rigidity- someone touched his chair, or moved his book.

So not only is it really challenging, but I look at him and I have such guilt- wondering all the time if I was just not mechanech him properly. Is all this part of asd diagnosis or is he just acting out??

I'm so pained and stressed.

amother

Yarrow

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 10:50 pm

Rabbi Dov brezak has a course directed towards what I think he refers to as fighter children. Maybe it could be helpful?

In my parenting I need more of a direction slowly over time vs a single solution. I also think that the right fit in parenting classes is so much more about where the parent is coming from than the child & Rabbi brezaks shiurim really speak to me.

amother

Cyan ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 11:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is literally me and my child. Same age. I relate to every word. And the guilt. And the stress. And the unpredictability. So so hard! May hashem send you strength. And miracles. Do you also worry about his future as much as I do? Do you struggle with being so unsure if he needs more help to change or it's about accepting him with this personality as fact of life? Do you have ppl in real life to share your stress worry and guilt? Do you struggle like me to love him?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 11:22 pm

amother NeonGreen wrote:

This is all part of asd. Do you have someone guiding you?

Do you have experience? I love him and I see his struggles and I can handle him usually. But then the doubt comes in. That becomes unbearable. I tried so hard to be a good mother. His symptoms started by 10 months. I always blamed myself.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 11:26 pm

amother Cyan wrote:

YES, YES, YES, YES AND YES! But no. I have nobody to share with.
I never know should I get more help? Is the help causing him to be worse? Am I getting the right help? What is his future?

I dont struggle to love him though. I am crazy over him more than any of my kids. I have a real connection to him. I feel such pain though when I feel like a failure and when I watch him failing. The more I love him the more it hurts me.

I also struggle to figure out- Is his diagnosis causing me to enable him to be acting worse? But then, I really don't think so because I really try to work with all the right approaches...

amother

Waterlily

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 11:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

I have a son the same age also has asd. I could have written your post word for word.
looking for guidance too. following!!

amother

↑ Cyan ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 11:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm happy for you and your son about the love that you are able to give him despite all this. And for me, the loneliness is one of the hardest struggles. My husband prob has hf asd too, so no one to share this burden with..

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 1:08 am

amother Cyan wrote:

I agree one hundred percent. The lonliness is really terrible. My husband has asd too. He is actually a big trigger for my son too!

Dolly Welsh ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 1:46 am

OP you are a loving mommy but you may be doing the only mistake you haven't thought of. You may be loving him too much.

Back off. He's just a little kid. The rules apply to him too. Restrain, rebuke, control, whatever you usually do with violently misbehaving children.

Ignore his concerns more.

It doesn't matter if someone touched his chair. He has to learn what matters. Your indifference will teach him that.

It is better he finds out some harsh realities in his obviously fine and loving home, than later, from annoyed outsiders who will read him the riot act with no patience at all.

Six is about the right age.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 2:03 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Reread this a few times. What you are saying makes sense. That IS what I try to do.... I don't "allow" him to do these things, and I can send him to his room, give him time out, try to hold him down if need to. but he always steps it up. He has no "stop" button! I'll send him to his room and he destroys the room. Hold his hands, he will bite my arm. Etc. And then what?

↑ Dolly Welsh

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 2:17 am

amother OP wrote:

Ew. Involve his father. He is not seeing how a man controls himself. Your husband's deeper voice and stronger hands will get through to him.

This why we have men.

I don't care how busy he is, he must take a personal day and make it an all day thing to shadow this boy.

amother

↑ Stonewash

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 2:29 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

I'm sorry, but I don't think you understand what the OP is going through. If you don't have experience with a child that has a HFASD diagnosis, please don't post. You're post was quite insensitive to OP.

tree of life

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 2:34 am

Hi I can relate but want to show u the end result bh bh my son is over 20 bh holds down a job has few friends and even looking in to shidduchim
When he was younger up to age 13 the whoke family evolved around him
Best thing I did was get him to clubs
Help as much time he was busy it was easier for everyone hatzlacha I leave my name on and you pm if u need more advice hatzlacha

LovesHashem

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 5:13 am

Aba is not the end all and be all. Is he getting OT, PT, and other therapies?

How are you learning about autism and the way his brain works to work with him and his logic and not against it? His rigidity may seem illogical to you, moving a book? Why does it matter. But it's not illogical, there's reasoning behind his feelings, his wants, his actions. He isn't a bad kid and he's not trying to be difficult. His brain works differently, he sees the world differently.

Have you read any books? Seen an autism coach?

I also reccomend trying nurtured heart for parenting.

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Jan 03 2025, 9:39 am

LovesHashem wrote:

Thank you!
Yes I read alot. Alot. I understand alot about his brain ( I think) and we were doing much much better the last year. I don't know what happened but last few months he is definitely worse and can't figure out why!
And for others who will tell me to "talk to him", yes he's verbal but is not able to tell me or doesn't usually tell me what's going on! He sometimes will say- I don't even know why I'm doing this! (once he calms down).

He is getting ot and Pt whenever he cooperates. working on speech.
What is an autism coach? Sounds interesting?