I'm so tired of Stepford Imamother

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:08 pm

amother Papayawhip wrote:

Good. So your challenges are not with anger.

But think honestly to yourself. Where are YOUR challenges? Is it knee-jerk saying no to things? Not paying attention to your kids? Having very strict rules? Not tolerating your kids being individuals? Everyone has something. You are not a perfect parent either. And if you are a better parent than OP, it's either that you were blessed with an easier personality or you have put in a lot of work, meaning that you must have messed up before that work.

It is okay to remind OP that speaking that way is not acceptable and she should do better in the future without making her out to be a horrific abusive monster of a parent.

I don't claim to be a perfect parent.
But some lines aren't meant to be crossed.
If one knows that they struggle with something, it's their duty to get help to bring the issue under control.

bigsis144

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:13 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

What does stepford mean?

It’s a reference to a 1970s horror novel called The Stepford Wives. (It was adapted into a movie, and there’s a 2000s remake movie too)

Stepford is a picture-perfect town, where every woman is impossibly beautiful, a perfect homemaker and a fawning, submissive wife. When a new family moves to town, the wife/mother (the protagonist/POv character) is increasingly disturbed by the women’s seeming perfection and lack of free will.

Spoilers,

Hidden:

So, “Stepford” has become a term to refer to women who are just too perfect, too happy, to the extent that they feel almost inhumanly so.

Last edited by bigsis144 on Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:15 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Papayawhip ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:14 pm

amother Darkblue wrote:

I don't claim to be a perfect parent.
But some lines aren't meant to be crossed.
If one knows that they struggle with something, it's their duty to get help to bring the issue under control.

Of course.

But that doesn't happen instantly or automatically. And in the process of working on it, they can't exactly walk away from their family.

That means that good mothers who have issues they are working on are going to mess up on occasion.

I thought my anger problem was long gone. Then my third was born. Turned out I had a lot more work to do. And while I was trying to work on it, I had a lot of outbursts. Now I rarely get angry, and if I do, the feelings rise up and fall, while I keep my mouth shut.

But had I posted while this was going on, getting comments like that OP got would have discouraged me from trying.

Just like teens should be spoken to respectfully and in a way that builds them, mothers (even imperfect ones) should also be spoken to in a way that encourages improvement.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:17 pm

amother Holly wrote:

I actually really wonder what kind of parents you all are that you justify this kind of behavior.

This comment is what I mean.

Really? You really wonder what kind of parent I am based off of my annoyance that everyone is pretending they are a perfect parent so they can bash other mothers?

Do you realize how ridiculous this is? Are you really such a perfect parent? Maybe I should wonder what kind of parent you are that you have so many people to judge? Are you hypercritical of your children?

Do u see how ridiculous it is for me to ask that kind of question? This nonsense has to stop.

Molly Weasley

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

Lol. Good point.

However, in regards to your original post, people who ask for advice on these forms have to understand the perspective of the person responding: They are only aware of the story based on the information shared with them at this moment: that small snippet.

Op is asking for common sense advice based on that little snippet. Why is it wrong for us to offer advice based on just that?

amother

↑ Papayawhip ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:22 pm

Molly Weasley wrote:

Advice - wonderful.

Suggestions for improvement in areas that might have led to this - great.

Accusations and put-downs and harsh criticism - just plain mean. Even if you are calling it tough love in your mind.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:28 pm

Molly Weasley wrote:

Offer advice. But talk nicely. Don't diagnose people. Don't bash them as a human being. Dont ask scathing questions about their existance as a parent. Recommend they change their perspective. But limit advice and opinions to the issue at hand and not on the person's entire identity. Recognize that every person has flaws and some things sound much worse out of context.

chanatron1000 ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:34 pm

If expecting a grown woman not to be verbally abusive to a teen is "Stepford Imamother," then what do you call expecting a teen to be respectful all the time?

amother

↑ Papayawhip ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:42 pm

chanatron1000 wrote:

If expecting a grown woman not to be verbally abusive to a teen is "Stepford Imamother," then what do you call expecting a teen to be respectful all the time?

WADR, "seeing you be so openly cruel to your brother like that makes me want to hurt you" is not the definition of verbal abuse. It's not nice, it's not kind, it's not respectful, it shouldn't be said (and ideally shouldn't be thought either), but we really cheapen the word abuse by throwing it around like this.

And I don't think that expecting your teen to avoid making snide comments about a sibling's very embarrassing health problem in his presence is expecting too much.

amother

Fern ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:42 pm

You’re entitled to feel that way but I’m also entitled to think it’s horrible for a mother to tell her 13 year old dd that she wants to punch her in the face.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:50 pm

chanatron1000 wrote:

If expecting a grown woman not to be verbally abusive to a teen is "Stepford Imamother," then what do you call expecting a teen to be respectful all the time?

Verbal abuse is consistently being cruel verbally to someone. It's not a one off comment when the recipient made your child with an embarrassing health condition cry.

amother

↑ Fern ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

Verbal abuse is consistently being cruel verbally to someone. It's not a one off comment when the recipient made your child with an embarrassing health condition cry.

Telling your dd you want to punch her in the face because she made her (I’m guessing your preferred child) brother cry is not ok and is verbal abuse.

amother

↑ Papayawhip ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:58 pm

amother Fern wrote:

You’re entitled to feel that way but I’m also entitled to think it’s horrible for a mother to tell her 13 year old dd that she wants to punch her in the face.

Ideally OP should have said something like "That was a very cruel comment to make and I expect you to apologize to your brother."

And I'm sure as a mother who never speaks that way, you can also think of a nicer way to point out where OP went wrong.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 6:00 pm

amother Fern wrote:

Telling your dd you want to punch her in the face because she made her (I’m guessing your preferred child) brother cry is not ok and is verbal abuse.

It's not my child.

You don't know it's the woman's preferred child. You made an assumption.

I agree it's not ok.

That's not the definition of verbal abuse.

amother

Sand

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 6:01 pm

I don’t know if it’s about the mother who posted that or it’s about the mothers typing behind the screens some vile comments to a mother who’s obviously regretting what she did and needs a little support.
This site could really use a wash down with some posters calming the rhetoric. We have enough on our plates without being negative to one another

amother

Tan ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 6:04 pm

IMO those responses were more because people were posting that what OP said is acceptable.

It's not. I won't pretend it is to spare OPs feelings. If you feel like punching your child go get help.
At least write on your post that you said something so awful and how will you ever fix it.

amother

Bellflower ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 6:04 pm

amother Zinnia wrote:

So we should all keep our mouths shut and then the next generation will be on imamother sharing all their childhood trauma.

The ABC of trauma is how its perceived. Maybe we should just stop making everything into "trauma"?

ETA I take that back. I just read the other thread and I am.horrified. no you don't have to be perfect not to tell your child that you want to smack her for pretty normal behavior! That's seriously abuse.

amother

↑ Tan ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 6:07 pm

amother Bellflower wrote:

The ABC of trauma is how its perceived. Maybe we should just stop making everything into "trauma"?

Maybe we should stop giving excuses for verbal abuse.

amother

↑ Diamond ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 6:14 pm

What I find funny is the people who claim to be the perfect people, are the ones who are outright disgusting to people on here. There is no way people who can’t post nicely on here, are the good parents, kids, sisters, friends, in laws, teachers etc.. they claim to be.

amother

↑ Tan ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 6:18 pm

amother Diamond wrote:

No one is claiming to be perfect. Is that the only other choice here?
It is also not disgusting to say that certain words are unacceptable.
It is disgusting to assume that whoever doesn't say nasty things to their children is under 25 and immature.