I'm so tired of Stepford Imamother

amother

↑ Bellflower ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:37 pm

amother Diamond wrote:

It is absolutely not normal to make fun of someone. My kids know this from toddler ages. They would never purposely do it to someone as teens. They know it's cruel. You don't need to be a rebbetzin to know that embarrassing someone is hurtful and an aveira.

She wasn't making fun of anybody. Not sure where you read that.

So according to you, making fun of someone is terrible, but a mother telling her daughter she will punch her in the face is ok.

Let's just say that we disagree.

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:37 pm

amother Diamond wrote:

But here you have women saying that it is normal for mom to speak to their child in an awful manner.
So why is it normal for an adult/mom to do so, but not normal for a child?? Why are we exp more of children than we are expecting of adults?

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:39 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

It’s not cruel to tell a bully that you want to punch them in the face. It’s an emotional reaction coming from watching the pain of another human . In this case even more painful because it’s the pain of your child caused by the pain of another child . That op did not say that she was right . She knew she was wrong . She knew she needed to apologize to her daughter .

It is cruel of a mother to tell this to a child. Period.
We cannot expect our children to be more mature than we are.

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:40 pm

amother Bellflower wrote:

Do you agree that there are occasions when it's ok to hit your child?

What behavior crosses that line for you? Eating traif? Mechalel Shabbos? Being chutzpadik to mother? Lying? Stealing?

If a teacher or Rebbe hits your child, if they are chutzpadik to them, is that ok?

Where do you draw the line?

It's funny how violence is suddenly ok, only because she made a snide comment, because in your book that's worse than all the things above?

When you argue you need to stick to facts otherwise there’s no argument. Since I never said it’s ok to hit your child or that it’s ok to threaten to hit your child , I’m not sure what to say .

But I will say that a snide comment that deeply hurts someone qnd is intended to assert control and flex your power is indeed a lot crueler then lashing out in emotional pain .
Calculated cruelty is a lot worse . Absolutely. Even if youre just a teenager .

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:41 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Normal behavior to make fun of your brother with a very embarrassing problem ? That’s cruel behavior .

She didn't make fun of her brother. She said a not such nice comment.
What the mother said to her daughter, is even more wrong than what the girl said to her brother.

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:42 pm

amother Bellflower wrote:

Oh so it's ok to say that if you're distraught?

Again where is the line?

Can I lash out at my kids if I had a hard day at work? Is that ok?

You need to stop saying that I said it’s ok since I never said that . It’s getting ridiculous.

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:42 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I disagree. An adult lashing out at a child and telling a child awful things, is worse than children lashing out at each other's.

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:45 pm

amother Darkblue wrote:

She didn't make fun of her brother. She said a not such nice comment.
What the mother said to her daughter, is even more wrong than what the girl said to her brother.

Strongly disagree.

Calcualted cruelty is inherently worse . That op needs to learn to deal with her daughter in an appropriate manner because that’s her job as a parent . But she is not bad or cruel or abusive for having an emotional reaction to her daughters cruelty.

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:46 pm

amother Darkblue wrote:

I disagree. An adult lashing out at a child and telling a child awful things, is worse than children lashing out at each other's.

The daughter did not lash out . She was cool, calm and collected . She was aiming to hurt and she was successful.

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:47 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

The daughter did not lash out . She was cool, calm and collected . She was aiming to hurt and she was successful.

She acted within the somewhat normal range for her age & stage. The mother/adult really crossed a line.

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:49 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

It is bad & cruel of a parent to react to their children's misbehavior in such an unacceptable manner. An adult should be able to control themselves better then to cross a line with their children. Having a parent with anger & temper management issues, can be really traumatic for a child and yes, it is a form of abuse. This is no way to be mechanech children & this won't teach them right from wrong.
Trying to justify it & making it seam normal, is just wrong.

amother

↑ Papayawhip

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:49 pm

I know this is hard to believe, but you can tell someone they are wrong in a nice way.

What many people on this thread are taking issue with is not the fact that OP said something she shouldn't have. It is that there is no reason to make her feel like the worst mother in the world. And that, in fact, making someone feel like the worst mother in the world doesn't usually lead to said mother becoming a better mother.

You feel that OP needs some more chinuch in parenting? So set an example by expressing that in a tone that is likely to lead to positive change.

MommyPhD

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:50 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

It’s a reference to a 1970s horror novel called The Stepford Wives. (It was adapted into a movie, and there’s a 2000s remake movie too)

Stepford is a picture-perfect town, where every woman is impossibly beautiful, a perfect homemaker and a fawning, submissive wife. When a new family moves to town, the wife/mother (the protagonist/POv character) is increasingly disturbed by the women’s seeming perfection and lack of free will.

Spoilers,

Hidden:

So, “Stepford” has become a term to refer to women who are just too perfect, too happy, to the extent that they feel almost inhumanly so.

I think more to the point here is that they're conformist in their behaviors and opinions.

Trademark ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:52 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I agree with this. Like I said on the other thread anger and cruelty are different things.

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:55 pm

Trademark wrote:

I agree with this. Like I said on the other thread anger and cruelty are different things.

But anger & loss of temper, can make one say very cruel things. They go together.

↑ chanatron1000

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:58 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

The daughter did not lash out . She was cool, calm and collected . She was aiming to hurt and she was successful.

Not necessarily. She might have just thought of it as a friendly joke, and not realized how it came across. She's a kid.

amother

Aconite ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:58 pm

I don’t think the op’s daughter was being cruel. Such an awful overblown characterization! She actually did discover the medication on the counter in a public space, and she obnoxiously - teen appropriately - pointed it out to you. “Ha! You wanna keep secrets from me? Next time do a better job at hiding it from me then”

I can see a parent admonish her teen that it wasn’t kind to do. That the secret was to protect her brothers feelings. Etc. not call her cruel and punchable.

Such an overblown situation all around.

↑ Trademark ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:59 pm

amother Darkblue wrote:

But anger & loss of temper, can make one say very cruel things. They go together.

Right and anger is bad. But it's very very different than intentional cruelty in my opinion.

amother

↑ Bellflower ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 8:00 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

You wrote it's not cruel to tell a bully that you want to punch them in the face.

Let's reframe this. If this were your child's Rebbe or Morah, and this is what they told your child, would you have the same reaction? Or would you demand the teacher be fired immediately?

Think about it.