Do some people not share their due date?

amother

↑ Sunflower ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 12:09 am

amother OP wrote:

fyi, to clarify the op, the snarky response I received when asking what I thought was a perfectly normal and innocuous question was "it'll come when it comes" or something to that effect. it wasn't even a vague time period. I didn't press further, because I didn't really care; it was just small talk and if they were taken aback by the question, so be it.

this person was haredi, and I'm more MO. judging from this thread, it seems that more right wing types are more reluctant to discuss due dates.

that being said, I don't get why people are using the "the due date doesn't mean anything, it's just a calculation" line as a reason not to share the due date. anyone who's had kids - women and men - knows the due date doesn't mean the baby is going to be born that date and there's a wide range of possibilities before and after. if the due date is meaningless, then all the more reason not to be secretive about it.

in my circles, nobody's asking your due date to be nosy or judge you. it's just normal small talk and a perfectly normal and innocuous question to ask someone.

I would be more inclined to tell my due date to a random person as a part of a small talk than to a relative. I think I also told the gender to some very random, non-Jewish, person who had asked. I wouldn’t have told to someone who could have spread the rumor.
My mom tends to obsess over every bit of information. She will be commenting about gender and due date, won’t leave me alone when the day comes or will go crazy if I go too early.
She doesn’t understand a thing about pregnancy. She once commended another relative for giving birth on her due date as if it is some kind of an achievement. I ger worked up listening to this nonsense so I just try to prevent it by reducing any communication.

OP, by now you have recognized that it’s not a neutral question. People are anxious for many reasons. It is said that there is a bracha on something that is concealed, and pregnancy and all related information are included. People go through losses. My first pregnancy after the loss I was protecting myself emotionally from possible damage so much that I was in denial for way too long and ended up having difficulty finding certain providers that I wanted to use because they were all booked up.

heidi

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 12:29 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

In my circles it’s not shared. Not my friends or family we just say approximate timing like many posters said above.
Exact due date is being nosy in my opinion. What’s your business? You’re not my dr or doula and even someone who offered to take a kid from me doesn’t ask exact date. Honestly many ppl dont have on their due date anyway.

Umm bcz you expect me to watch your other kids while you're in the hospital.
I have learned to just live my life.
I tell my kids if they want me to watch the other kids I need a due date.
I have a life also BH

amother

↑ Sunflower

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 12:59 am

heidi wrote:

Would it help you to find out closer to the end when it is?
I.e. if the doctor says I will induce you at 38 weeks, then you would be told? How does the due date help you opposed to „the middle of March“?

amother

NeonPink

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 4:49 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm lwmo and don't give an exact date to most people just because of the ninth month pesterers. The people I know who are vague are vague for the same reasons. I still give a general time span, and don't make myself crazy to keep it a secret. And I definitely tell work, but where I live, I legally can't work from my due date.

To the poster who said some ppl worry that others will figure the day of conception... I don't know why that matters. If you're having a baby, most people probably caught on that you've had zx at one point or another. But in any case, fyi, date of conception is not the day you had zx. And either way, the calculation is generally from your lmp and confirmed from a first trimester sonogram. No one knows what date of your cycle you ovulated (which, again, doesn't need to be the day you had zx).

amother

↑ Zinnia

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:09 am

amother OP wrote:

It can go the other way also. Because the due date is meaningless, there’s no reason to give it. Saying the middle of December is actually prob more accurate

amother

↑ Daphne

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:12 am

heidi wrote:

But they're not asking you to babysit on the due date, they'd want you to watch the kids on whatever day they need to go to hospital. Unless your kids always give birth within a day of the due date, I still don't understand why you need the exact estimated date of delivery

Of course you don't have to do favors for anyone ever. I'm just wondering why a day is more helpful to you than a 2 week range, unless you're only offering to help on that specific date.

amother

DarkKhaki ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:53 am

I’m lubavitch and also finding these answers surprising. I never thought of it as a nosy question, just regular chitchat. I think answering in a vague way to a random acquaintance, like “end of December” makes sense because it’s how I’d always answer these types of questions. (When’s the bar mitzvah? Beginning of Adar.)

Personally for random people who won’t remember anyway I say a few weeks earlier because I carry huge and look like I’m about to give birth in my 7th month. I hate the way they look surprised that I didn’t say next week, or for the wonderful people who comment about it.

But I do say the date to family, especially as I get closer. I don’t get why it’s a secret. No, it’s not exactly when I’ll have my baby but most people give birth a few days before or after.

My sil is more secretive about it (and everything pregnancy related), which is fine I don’t actually care. But it was weird this last pregnancy when we had a wedding and we were talking about traveling and doctors and she still wouldn’t say. Traveling and baby plans in your 8th month or 9th month is a big difference. I still don’t care if you don’t want to tell me, but why did you bring it up if you’re going to be intentionally vague?

amother

↑ DarkKhaki

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:57 am

amother Daphne wrote:

Because giving a date does give an estimated 2 week range, as opposed to being vague which gives a 4-6 week range.

If you want someone to keep their schedule open for you, yes you should tell them when you’ll need their help, to the best of your ability.

amother

↑ Firethorn

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 5:59 am

amother Bottlebrush wrote:

I always thought the reason was cause then people could calculate conception date.

I have never thought that. I mean, who cares? That they might know you had zex on x date, but also 100 other days.

I don't think adults think like that.

When I was a kid and first found out how the "birds and the bees" work, I thought how gross that my parents had to have zex 9 times, once for each of their kids. LOL

amother

Babypink

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 6:19 am

I'm yeshivish (dh in kollel 17 yrs) and no one in my circles will give their due date. Every single person I know will only give you vague general estimate ("after sukkos"). I'm 46, have a bunch of kids, and to the life of me can't understand why it's private. I guess I'm just an extreme outlier in my little world. When I tried to find out WHY it's private I just get the answer is that because it's private. But why is it private? I always give my exact due date and have never once ever received a badgering text or phone call from people demanding to know why I didn't have the baby. Or even just questioning. The whole world knows that a due date is just an estimate; I really don't get why this has to be buried under shroud of secrecy. That said, I will never ask anyone there is because everyone has this hang up about it.

As to the whole Bracha in hidden things concept, I mean, my big giant stomach already is tells the entire world that I'm pregnant. Why is specifically withholding the date ascribing any additional privacy to the pregnancy? To me it is literally a detail like a scheduling question. "What time is your carpool?" "(vaguely) Oh, some point in the evening" Will that carpool get more Bracha because you didn't just give a straight answer?

amother

↑ Bottlebrush ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 6:30 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

Lol.
Dont get me wrong I could care less. I share my due date. I just assumed those who dont believe this to be the reason

Chayalle

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 6:31 am

amother Babypink wrote:

I'm yeshivish and in your age range, DH in Kollel alot of years, and I don't get the big deal about due dates either. But most of the people I know are similar to me. But I've met some who are all into the whole private thing. I think there are some people who consider any piece of info they have about themselves as private, and the giving of info as a sort of losing control thing. They have to hold on tight to their due date, because otherwise they lost their private info.

The Bracha hidden thing I've only heard with regard to the gender, not to the due date.

amother

↑ Bottlebrush

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 6:35 am

In my circles which is yeshivish but 30+ many people will share their due date I dont see the big deal

For those saying its a meaningless date (especially for those expecting help) its not if gives a rough estimate when your due. For example 57% of first babies are born in weeks 39 and 40 that means more than half will be born within a week of due date etc. and most within 2 weeks. So it is a helpful date if you need to make plans

Hashem_Yaazor ↓

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 6:39 am

I've gotten pestering "check ins" and I've also had a preemie so I get a bit nervous about ayin hora as well. So I give an approximate time (before Pesach for example when I was due within a couple of weeks before Pesach, baby ended up being born like 4 days before Pesach but a week late). I have a large range of when I've given birth, from a month early to a week and a half late and it's hard enough pressure on myself to let go of any semblance of control, I don't need outside comments. I've only had 3 early, the rest have been late, and I don't need anyone else trying to see how soon I'm really having the baby once I've reached my due date.

Funny story: my 9 yo was due in November and my kids thought it meant like a library due date and I must have my baby by November 1, I only saw after we flipped the calendar on the fridge to November that they had circled November 1. BH she was born in the end of October, one of my early ones lol
I clarified with future babies what it meant!

keym

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:02 am

With my first, I shared my exact due date.

And starting that day, I got 3 times daily checking from my parents, inlaws, grandparents, etc.

This was before everyone had cell phones so they would build themselves into a panic if I was out and not pick up.

When I finally had the baby a week late, I didn't even want to speak to anyone. When we called to tell them, each person made sure to announce "I thought so because you didn't answer your phone today".

After that, I share approximate times and let it be known that I would not answer my phone at all for check-in during the end of my pregnancy

↑ Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Jan 02 2025, 7:50 am

keym wrote:

I had one relative "know" I was in labor (baby born the next morning) when she called to tell be about someone else who had a baby (I was 2 days overdue by that point). Why? Because I laughed or something. I was most definitely not in labor and only hours later did I wake up in labor with baby born a couple hours after that. When I shared my news that the baby was born, I was informed that she knew already. I wasn't pleased at all. Keep your comments to yourself, especially since you're probably wrong.