Help me work on myself

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 12:00 pm

Im married several years and not only I dont look forward but I actually strongly dislike the way dh sings at the chanukah menorah
help me work on myself

amother

Yellow ↓

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 12:01 pm

What would happen if you fully accept that you dislike it?
Let that thought and feeling come and then let it move on. There's so much else to think about on chanukkah.

amother

DarkKhaki ↓

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 12:01 pm

This is a tough one!
First, what bothers you about it?
The tunes? The lack of it?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 12:04 pm

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

This is a tough one!
First, what bothers you about it?
The tunes? The lack of it?

he mumbles many words into just a small part of the tune
he sings yoshev bseser 7 times or something in different tunes
he doesnt sign nicely/warmly in general
my father sang stunning and heartful

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 12:04 pm

amother Yellow wrote:

What would happen if you fully accept that you dislike it?
Let that thought and feeling come and then let it move on. There's so much else to think about on chanukkah.

I know but after all music talks to me and its tough

amother

↑ Yellow

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 12:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

I know but after all music talks to me and its tough

It is tough. You wish it was different. You have a right to wish it was different.

And also you can't change it. I mean you can try and change it. And you can also try and change other things. Perhaps you can play some CDs during the day or even at night. And you can still enjoy the other parts, the foods and the flames and the family

Sometimes the fighting reality is more painful than reality itself

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 12:10 pm

amother Yellow wrote:

true
I never said anything to him....
thanks!

amother

↑ DarkKhaki

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 12:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

he mumbles many words into just a small part of the tune
he sings yoshev bseser 7 times or something in different tunes
he doesnt sign nicely/warmly in general
my father sang stunning and heartful

We also sing yoshev 7 times I think.

I can't believe I'm saying this but it took me decades to get used to my dh's singing.
I longed for my fathers singing since he had such a beautiful voice and stunning tunes.
So, it's years later and I got used to my dh's tunes and I got to enjoy his voice.
But I get you.
Don't lose sleep over it and use the time to daven to Hashem that His light should fill your home with Sholom and Torah!

amother

Skyblue

Sun, Dec 22 2024, 12:48 pm

You can teach your husband your favorite songs

And you can call your parents if they are alive and listen in. I've done that!

yiddishmom

Thu, Dec 26 2024, 7:55 pm

After he sings, can you lead a kumzitz for the two of you? With your children (if you have)?

imasinger

Thu, Dec 26 2024, 8:33 pm

My sympathies, truly.

To work on yourself, can you use the time that he's "singing" to think of a different thing you value about your DH each night?

amother

Stoneblue

Thu, Dec 26 2024, 9:27 pm

My father also is a singer loves singing shabbos sudos and all mitzvos where melodious and beautiful...hubby is very different...with time and love and very nicely you can encourage him to sing the negunim you like ...if he has certain ones those are minhag and come first. But if you can approach it in a loving way he may tey to accommodate you to.
You will have to learn to appreciate hubbys divekus the way it is and see the beauty in his singing...it will prob never be same as what you grew up with

amother

Lightcoral ↓

Thu, Dec 26 2024, 10:58 pm

You're not obligated to like your DH singing, nor is he obligated to like yours. If that's the biggest thing you can think of to "work on" you should count yourself exceptionally lucky. Your DH could snore, pick his nose, scratch his rear end, bite his toenails, or do any of a bazillion other annoying or downright disgusting things.

amother

Smokey

Thu, Dec 26 2024, 11:10 pm

I feel your pain. In my case my husband can't hold a tune. They're is no hope for me in this department. Every Shabbos I have an opportunity to work on myself.

This is R. Mintz answer to my question:
https://youtu.be/x3y5lvJawyo?s.....MQ-UZ

amother

Sunflower

Yesterday at 7:11 am

I had the opposite situation. Mt husband didn’t sing at all and my parents all sing together. I was heartbroken the first few years of marriage until I finally spoke up. My husband was willing to try but didn’t know any of the songs or where to even start😢
We sang together and the rest they say is history.
My kids love the singing on Chanukah- they have no clue they almost didn’t have it.

amother

↑ Lightcoral

Yesterday at 12:26 pm

Heartbroken? Isn't that just a bit overly dramatic? I had a lifelong fantasy of a family choir, too, and that never materialized. Disappointed? Definitely. Heartbroken? Get real.