Family First: A Loan Repaid

Einikel ↓

Yesterday at 7:23 pm

It bothered me so much, I had to get it off my chest. The entitlement of the author was just rubbing my the wrong way.

(Third story here)
https://mishpacha.com/even-when-it-hurts-2/

amother

Midnight

Yesterday at 7:33 pm

While she was totally off base the friend was also interesting and petty. If it was maaser would she go back and regret tzedaka? She was acting petty

amother

Papaya

Yesterday at 7:36 pm

The author is shockingly entitled. Miri is shockingly naive. Why lend money to someone who you know has no hope of ever paying you back? It almost seems like a form of lifnei iver.

amother

Cognac ↓

Yesterday at 7:40 pm

Interestingly, Miri offered to give her from maaser originally. I think the author was stupid that she kept saying "it's a loan". She did it to herself.

amother

Mintgreen ↓

Yesterday at 7:41 pm

Oh yeah that bothers me too.

Also—who are these mythical Miris? Everyone was jealous of me growing up. I had a big house, pretty clothes, did well in school, got married young to a great looking guy and had in laws with money. Guess what behind closed doors I was abused like crazy growing up. I have complex trauma and because of that struggled tremendously in my marriage. And even though I live in a big beautiful house my in laws bought us, we are so tight financially that I hide food from my kids so I can ration it out. I don’t have money even for clothing from target.

I believe many, many people who look like they have everything are struggling just as much as the obvious Nebach cases.

And maybe it’s worse for us. Bc no one steps in, has sympathy, and cares. There are no meal trains or validation. There’s the opposite—envy and expectations that we are the givers.

amother

↑ Cognac ↓

Yesterday at 7:42 pm

Did anybody else feel sad to realize that women are stuck in the life they are born into? It's like, you're born into the wrong family, your life will always be awful.

amother

Azalea ↓

Yesterday at 7:46 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

While she was totally off base the friend was also interesting and petty. If it was maaser would she go back and regret tzedaka? She was acting petty

Except it wasn’t maaser, it was a loan. How is it petty? Obviously she desperately needed the money if she was asking for it back from this friend, that’s a really uncomfortable position to be in. For the author to make assumptions about Miris life and assume she is so much worse off with zero sympathy for her friend, and have the audacity to actually say no to repaying, is beyond me

Also, don’t pretend it’s taking food from your kids mouth when you have thousands to spend on dental work. I personally am in a dire financial situation, DH has had 2 teeth fall out over the last year and desperately needs root canals, but we can’t afford it. Dental work is a luxury IMO

amother

↑ Mintgreen ↓

Yesterday at 7:51 pm

amother Cognac wrote:

Did anybody else feel sad to realize that women are stuck in the life they are born into? It's like, you're born into the wrong family, your life will always be awful.

This is not true at all. Look at siblings who all endured similar abuse. There is so much that goes into who makes it and who doesn’t. There’s such thing as “post traumatic growth” where people thrive even better than the average joe walking down the street because of all the work they put into it.

amother

Bellflower ↓

Yesterday at 8:11 pm

Einikel wrote:

It bothered me so much, I had to get it off my chest. The entitlement of the author was just rubbing my the wrong way.

(Third story here)
https://mishpacha.com/even-when-it-hurts-2/

Yes! I understand she's in a hard place but the entitlement...!

penguin

Yesterday at 8:22 pm

I believe originally Miri offered ma'aser, the author wanted it to be a loan. But it seemed to me to be understood that this was to protect her dignity, and it would only be due if and when she had some ability to pay.

amother

↑ Cognac ↓

Yesterday at 8:24 pm

penguin wrote:

Yes. I don't understand why you all think its entitlement?...

amother

↑ Mintgreen

Yesterday at 8:25 pm

My other thought is: it’s never comfortable to ask for a loan or gift. But if you have to do it, better from a stranger than a friend bc it messes up
The friendship.

amother

Amaranthus ↓

Yesterday at 8:40 pm

I actually feel differently than most.

Sounds like she earned a nice wage in general, there's no reason this couldn't have been her ma'aser. 4K over many years was a negligible amount of her ma'aser money. And she was the one who mentioned ma'aser originally.

I understand if she wouldn't want to lend any more money, but she should have forgiven this amount, especially given it was a misunderstanding.

amother

↑ Bellflower

Yesterday at 8:43 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

I actually feel differently than most.

Sounds like she earned a nice wage in general, there's no reason this couldn't have been her ma'aser. 4K over many years was a negligible amount of her ma'aser money. And she was the one who mentioned ma'aser originally.

I understand if she wouldn't want to 'lend' any more money, but she should have forgiven this amount, especially given it was a misunderstanding.

That's the problem. you cant know what situation someones in until your in their shoes.
Her whole story is based on the assumptions of what a great life her friend has. Does she really know.

And regardless of all that, if her friend confronts her about repaying her reaction could range between many things but the one thing it shouldnt have been is - how can she do this to me. Its not about her at all

↑ Einikel

Yesterday at 8:46 pm

penguin wrote:

I believe originally Miri offered ma'aser, the author wanted it to be a loan. But it seemed to me to be un LOL

derstood that this was to protect her dignity, and it would only be due if and when she had some ability to pay.

That's what the author assumed...as long as she said it was a loan it's on her imo.

amother

↑ Azalea ↓

Yesterday at 8:55 pm

penguin wrote:

That was only the first instance. Maybe Miri was in a position to give $500 of maaser at that time, maybe she took her friend at her word and assumed it was a loan instead. Maybe every time after that when the author asked for a “loan” Miri wasn’t actually in a position to be giving that money away as tzedaka and was counting on it back one day, and never said anything because she assumed her friend would eventually pay back

Either way it’s not “understood” just because one side understands it that way. And the author did actually think of it as a loan too, she just didn’t think she’d have to pay it back before she was ready. She conveniently decided it was maaser when she was asked to return it

amother

↑ Cognac ↓

Yesterday at 8:58 pm

I don't know... she's a lawyer, surely a few thousand dollars wasn't going to break the bank? Did the $150 a month really make such a huge difference that she broke a friendship over it?

amother

Chicory ↓

Yesterday at 9:14 pm

amother Azalea wrote:

Also, don’t pretend it’s taking food from your kids mouth when you have thousands to spend on dental work. I personally am in a dire financial situation, DH has had 2 teeth fall out over the last year and desperately needs root canals, but we can’t afford it. Dental work is a luxury IMO

I agree with this.
I thought it was a weak story for a few reasons, and this is one of them.