No family vent | Imamother

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Dec 20 2024, 9:47 am

amother Obsidian wrote:

This is nice. This is wonderful. If you didn't have all your neighbors going to their giant family parties to compare yourself with, it would probably never dawn on you to feel discontented.

We're also BTs with no big family parties to go to. And it was a surprise to me that when I tried to make parties here for friends and neighbors they were largely too occupied with their own families -- all 8 nights! But I've learned to focus on all the fun things we can do here with just our immediate family and not concern myself with what everyone else is doing. And one day IY"H all our kids will grow up, marry, have large beautiful families, and there will be big family parties to make and attend then.

We used to have a party from my DHs kollel but he since switched kollels to one that makes something just for the men late at night. When we did it go it was funny everyone complaining how it's so hard to juggle all the parties and they're only running in for a second...
I also used to work in a school that had their chagiga at night. My new school has it during the day.

But yes I do think about how this is temporary and it will be so different when my kids are all grown iyH

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Dec 20 2024, 9:48 am

amother Blushpink wrote:

How old are your kids? Like other people mentioned, we tried to make a fun supper every night. As my kids got older, I would put a different one in charge every night. They planned and made a fun dinner themselves (or with help for the younger ones). Lots of fun for the kids and I got to feel like I was “invited out” too.

That's a good idea for the future. My oldest is about to turn 6, and then I have a 3 year old and a baby. So too young now for that but will file it away Smile

amother

Forsythia

Fri, Dec 20 2024, 10:02 am

I have one sister, B”H 2 parents (one is an only child, and one who might as well have been an orphaned - BT who was cut off after his parents went OTD ) and my 2 doting grandparent who lived 4 blocks away and were always there, but there were no great aunts or 2nd cousins to speak of.

I NEVER felt a lacking. Chanukah, our Purim seuda for 6, Pesach seder (and all meals) for 6, Sukkot for 6……..
We had our own fun and I never felt like I was missing out on 40 people parties.
One night we played dreidel and ate all the chocolate pieces, one night we baked and decorated cookies (do it as a night if Chanukah, not in anticipation before-it because both an activity and is less stressful) we baked menorah shaped challah, we made donuts (I’m noticing a food theme) we decorated the house and enjoyed our own company.
I married into a very large family. Parties mean you need to bake in advance which ads stress, and to be honest at a party how much do you speak to others, there is a lot of alone in a crown/trying to make yourself seen/heard.

Enjoy your small family.

amother

Ebony

Fri, Dec 20 2024, 10:04 am

It's all perspective!

Every year my husband's side of the family has a whole big party.

The past few years we stopped going. We live 4 hours away (we could go for shabbos to my in-laws), my son is in an out of town yeshiva and coming home for shabbos chanuka and they are doing it in a nursing home so my husband's grandmother can participate. The combination of extra travel in a short time frame for my son (his yeshiva is far), the kids having to "behave" in the nursing home with nowhere really to go, the kids getting bored in the nursing home, and not getting quality time with my husband's grandmother because everyone is there, made us decide we weren't coming. We'd rather visit on a random off shabbos when we can spend quality time with my husband's grandmother.

joker

Fri, Dec 20 2024, 11:07 am

Op- I think this happens to more people than you know. It may be your specific neighborhood doesn't have it but so many people I know from ffb families have this and still more choose to stay away from family for diff reasons. It's really hard to create a "family" for your self but I do see people who have this often end up creating a very tight knit family and it's beautiful as their kids get older to watch how close they are. Any good friends you can take in as your "family" will also become family for life and it's really nice to see .

amother

Garnet

Fri, Dec 20 2024, 12:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

besides my family who is a) far away so will be tiring b)doesn't really have room for us so it's going to be a squeeze and c) will come back probably drained from them anyways....

90% of people who go away to family for Shabbos have one or more of these complaints

amother

Copper

Fri, Dec 20 2024, 1:21 pm

We also have no chanukah parties to go to. We always make donuts, chanukah cookies, the usual.
My new ideas this year: chanukah bingo, cut the chocolate type game with a dreidel and chocolate coins, and a dreidel game with a grab bag.
My kids are 21-2.

amother

Plum

Yesterday at 11:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

I was looking at them but there's no way we would financially be able to swing it but it does look nice

This is on the cheaper side but still $$. Not sure if it's in your budget.
It's a nice program but simpler. I've never gone but heard from a friend who went.
https://thepoconosretreat.com/

amother

Pink

Yesterday at 11:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thanks all
I know we can invite ppl and I'll try to think of who to invite, but I really would love to be invited Sad

I buy cute activities to do at home, play games, etc. We have a lot of fun family rituals at this point. But I also want my kids to have the "normal" chanukah experience

It's all on you. We are in same boat. My husband is an only child BT and I don't have family or relatives at all even remotely around. We go big with the decorating. We host single friends and neighbors and other friends and make a chanuka party every year and we have single friends that come to light/hang out. It's a ton of work (and I'm an introvert) but the kids absolutely love chanuka. Do I wish I had relatives to go to for chanuka? (Or sukkos or pesaxh lol) of course. But I'm grateful for my husband and kids and there are plenty of ppl around that don't have even that. Those ppl would love to be part of YOUR family. Edit to add: the nights it's just us we play Dreidel with piles of chocolate coins, play games, enjoy the lights, just enjoy. There is never fomo here.