S/o kollel are you taking support from someone who can’t….

care4u ↓

Today at 8:44 am

amother Daffodil wrote:

Because they should be putting money away for retirement.
Are we expecting them to work until they are dead? What about medical expenses as they age? Or household expenses if and when they are unable to work.

My Florida comment is also I am older than most of you, and in my lifetime, elderly people were often snowbirds as the freezing cold winter is very hard on them, both physically and mentally.

Thats their choice.
People are acting as if parents are not adults. As parents want to help support their kids because they understand the value of somebody who's actually sitting and learning all day, that is their choice.

Personally, my husband started working before our kids went to school because we did not want & could not live on other's generosity & by scrimping & saving. We didn't want a life like that.

But you can bet that there have been people for thousands of years who did dedicate themselves 100% to Torah and were willing to live a life of poverty and others look upon it as a privilege to support them.

Are there people who do it because that's what's expected of them but not because they really truly inside believe of it? Yes. Are there people who still expect to live the high life? Yes. But not everyone.

amother

DarkMagenta

Today at 8:49 am

Who is anyone to judge how parents see fit to spend their money. I don't see anyone judging if parents decide to take a vacation to Boca or go on a cruise. Why is this different. If they want to give money to their kids why is it anyone's business. Life is only 120 years long. Let people do what they want with their money and keep your nose in you own business. I don't judge people who spend on manicures and fancy sheitals and designer brands and I hope no one judges me if I decide to support my kids in kollel.

amother

Whitesmoke ↓

Today at 9:15 am

My parents partially supported me for 2 years, 1k a month. I know it was tight for them, but they told me it was realy special for them to have a sil learning torah, it was their zchus.

They're really proud of him.

Also, kollel didn't stop when their support stopped. We moved to an OOT kollel that pays very nicely so we can continue living the dream.

amother

Honeysuckle ↓

Today at 9:54 am

amother Orchid wrote:

Dh learned in kollel for almost 8 years, a few of which I was a sahm, with no support.

amother Orchid wrote:

Kollel in Brooklyn.
....
At that point, yes we qualified for insurance and food stamps so that helped....

I grew up in Brooklyn on food stamps, and I'm saying that so you know I don't mean this in a judgemental way at all.

But it's simply not true to say that you did the kollel life without support when you were getting health insurance and food for free from the government - meaning your fellow tax payers.

You were absolutely getting financial support to sustain your kollel lifestyle. Sorry, I know that's not the main topic here, but it felt very odd to see that and not respond.

amother

↑ Aconite

Today at 9:58 am

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

I don't think it's about judging how ppl spend their money. It's kind of about making unattainable things cultural norms. We have a generation of kids who expect to be supported and it leaves parents who can't afford it in a very rough position. Who wants to be the one to say no to their child when everyone else is getting support. Who wants to risk their daughter not getting married because they aren't offering support. And how does it make sense for parents to have no money saved up because they supported their adult children.

tigerwife

Today at 10:04 am

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

Actually, I have heard people criticize in laws for going on vacation while not provided their children with the support they wanted (to clarify, money was given, but apparently not enough).
So judgmental people will always judge.
From my experience, my friends who wanted long term kollel got degrees so that they could support their families. Kollel is not a one-size fits all. If parents are embarrassed to admit to their kids that they cannot support them, then schools should step up and tell their Bais Yaakov girls that they shouldn’t expect help from anyone. Anything your parents give is a gift. But the onus is on you to make it work.

amother

↑ Quince ↓

Today at 10:17 am

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

You do know the vast majority of people that get government programs are not learning in full time kollel?

amother

↑ Orchid ↓

Today at 10:30 am

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

I'm sorry for not being clear... I thought the thread was SPECIFICALLY about parental support and/or being supported by someone who couldn't afford to support you. The post you quoted above was in response to a side note on my thoughts about parents supporting.

In terms of food stamps and health insurance, I hear you. Yes, if these we did not qualify for these two (when I was working, I'm pretty sure you can't get of you don't work), we might not have lasted 8 years (just under 2 of which I stayed home) until dh started working.

amother

↑ Lilac

Today at 10:34 am

amother Orchid wrote:

Kollel in Brooklyn.

Rent was $950 a month for a three room basement (bedroom, other bedroom, teeeeeeny kitchen and bathroom), kollel paid $1100.

I did work (as a BY teacher right from when we got married until my first was born (almost two years), had some money from before plus wedding money (less than $12k altogether, we barely got gifts, dipped into this only when absolutely necessary, managed to hold onto thr bulk of it).

I stayed home for the next two years (second child was born during this time), then went back to work, still as a teacher.

At that point, yes we qualified for insurance and food stamps so that helped.

My in laws aren't part of the picture, but my parents did give us monetary gifts here and there...not on a schedule, and they don't buy anything for my kids ever (not clothes, toys, snacks, birthday gifts...not their type to buy or gift ever)...but for the first 9 years or so, they prob gave us $2000 a year total. And that was a surprise to us and very appreciated because we had never "agreed" or "asked" for support.

Eta, he's a Rebbe (full day) now, and other than two years early on and one year later for medical reasons, I'm a teacher (part time).

If you say with no supprt, then what do you call the above bolded part if thats not help?
So no, you did not do it alone.

amother

↑ Quince ↓

Today at 12:15 pm

amother Lilac wrote:

If you say with no supprt, then what do you call the above bolded part if thats not help?
So no, you did not do it alone.

This thread is talking about parental support.
Government programs are not parental support!!
When we talk about "support" in shidduchim is when parents or close relatives give money every month to the young couple regardless of "eligibility". You do need to supply proof of income and ID's of family members.
You can start another thread about government funding if you want.
Start it in political forum! So maybe someone high up will take into consideration when Trump starts.
(Sorry, end of rant!!)

amother

↑ Orchid ↓

Today at 12:18 pm

amother Lilac wrote:

If you say with no supprt, then what do you call the above bolded part if thats not help?
So no, you did not do it alone.

I never said I did it alone. I said my parents/in laws did not support.

The thread is specifically about parental help, and even more specifically, about parents who cannot afford it being in situations where they have to support.

amother

↑ Whitesmoke ↓

Today at 12:24 pm

Amazing! I'm so happy that a frum family giving up for Torah is able to get by with governement assistance!

Why does it sound like others are upset that klei kodesh/kollel families have the audacity to receive gov money?

I like the idea of them receiving money a lot better than the rest of the people I see that get govt assistance. (I live near inner-city/hood area).

amother

Blueberry ↓

Today at 12:37 pm

My parents were very open about that they can't support long term since we were kids.
We consistently saw my father do early morning daf yomi and learn a full night seder every night since we were little.
They generously paid for all our college tuitions so each of us has a nice degree and support our husbands very well BH

amother

↑ Blueberry

Today at 12:42 pm

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

I've never taken a cent of government assistance in my life (BH for my helpful college degree) but I beg you to see another perspective.

Many people on imamother think of people as taking government help as money grabbing and handouts, but a lot of them are not aware of 5 important facts

1. This is a tiny tiny tiny portion of the governments budget. Go ahead and look at what your taxes are actually paying for...
2. Your taxes would absolutely never ever ever go down if there was no government help and this small tiny portion of the welfare budget does not impact taxes going up
3. This money goes towards people that live in slums and never work a day in their life. You should be singing in praise of the fact that it's going to fellow yidden (forget about kollel or not kollel)
4. How do you know Hashem didn't create welfare programs JUST FOR THAT JEW that is getting it and the rest of the country qualifies and has this BECAUSE of them?
5. The money is NOT YOURS. This is money that you legally have to pay because of the laws of the country. If someone else is getting welfare it is NOT coming from your pocket.

amother

Olive

Today at 12:43 pm

Our dc got married young, and working their way up the ladder, making a modest salary/kolel. That's where we come in to help bridge the gap. If we couldn't, then they'd have to manage. But it's our privilege to help our kids, until they have full financial independence.
Thank Gd we have enough to help our kids, it's something we don't take for granted.

amother

↑ Honeysuckle ↓

Today at 12:45 pm

amother Quince wrote:

You do know the vast majority of people that get government programs are not learning in full time kollel?

Right. She was saying that she and her Dh did kollel with no support. I was pointing out she had support. The fact that others who get that don't learn doesn't change the fact that she got the support.

amother

↑ Whitesmoke

Today at 12:45 pm

amother Blueberry wrote:

I've never taken a cent of government assistance in my life (BH for my helpful college degree) but I beg you to see another perspective.
Many people on imamother think of people as taking government help as money grabbing and handouts, but a lot of them are not aware of 3 important facts
1. This is a tiny tiny tiny portion of the governments budget. Go ahead and look at what your taxes are actually paying for...
2. Your taxes would absolutely never ever ever go down if there was no government help
3. This money goes towards people that live in slums and never work a day in their life. You should be singing in praise of the fact that it's going to fellow yidden (forget about kollel or not kollel)
4. How do you know Hashem didn't create welfare programs JUST FOR THAT JEW that is getting it and the rest of the country qualifies and has this BECAUSE of them?

THIS!!

Please send all the taxpayers money to frum jews, and stop funding tribal dance studies in Africa!

Ruchel

Today at 12:47 pm

amother Begonia wrote:

I married a guy who was going out to work bec I knew my parents couldn’t afford

I think if parents cannot afford to support they should have that conversation with the kids. Honesty.

Agree. And people could support their own son if they want him in kollel. Ftr my husband has a friend like this.

As for getting government money if you qualify you qualify
You think others refuse it? Not in my country. Also we pay taxes for public schools, swimming pools, all kinds of things we don't use so let's accept what is legal.

Last edited by Ruchel on Mon, Dec 16 2024, 1:16 pm; edited 1 time in total