How to handle teens taking over

Simple1 ↓

Today at 6:18 am

The first on your list I would let go but encourage them to clean up as best that they know and don’t cause any fires. Better than having them kvetch to me they’re hungry or eat junk food. With teens you have to let things go. The phone thing is not acceptable. The rest is annoying. Raising teenagers isn’t easy and it takes time to get used to it. If you want to talk privately to husband you probably need to go out with him for a ride.

imaima

Today at 6:46 am

amother OP wrote:

Does anyone have any good ways to have better boundaries with teens. I have almost 4 teens in the house and things constantly come up that infringe on my space/ privacy/ need for quiet etc... here are some examples:
*Teen boys making steak and cooking in my cleaned kitchen at 11:30 at night.
*Going on my phone and reading my messages even though I've clearly stayed not to.
*Getting mad at me that my computer is not available if I have a report I need to write that night.
* Knocking on my door ( if I'm lucky) Asking me for things at 11:30-12 at night. Ordering them something/ showing me something etc...
* Kvetching about what they need all the time and expecting me to get it right away....
* Not being able to talk openly with my husband because there is always someone around.

*And many more such examples. Sometimes I feel like I'm choking.
Anyone have any good ideas that have worked to help how not to feel like they r not taking over my house/ life/ money/ stuff/ privacy.
Please be kind . Thank you!

These are very different
Some of these are just teens loving at home and others are teens being entitled or clueless.

DVOM

Today at 7:06 am

I get you, my friend.

Can you look at your list and make some choices about what's most important to you? It sounds like you need to make some boundaries, and need to mentally give up control on other things.

It's totally normal over here for my teen boys to fire up the grill at midnight. I've given up control of my kitchen completely. I want them to be able to experiment and I think cooking is a healthy outlet. Of course it gets messier. I'm ok with that.

My phone/computer is off limits to my kids completely. Full stop. I use both of them for work, and need them to be private.

I don't order things late at night. Ever. Make a shopping list, text it to me. We can shop online together on Friday afternoons or Saturday nights. Rarely do we have shopping emergencies that need to happen NOW. Demanding in general gets you no where with me. Talk respectfully, have patience, and it all gets done.

If my door is closed, I'm done for the day. Unless there's blood or fire, I'm not available at that point. It's ok to not always be available. See if you can find a daytime time that you can connect with your teen who gets home late. I have a son who dorms. We speak on the phone during his breaks. He knows mama turns into a zombie past 10.

My husband and I will take walks if we need to discuss something privately. We also go out for lunch once a week, and have breakfast alone in the house once a week. This has evolved into such precious and beautiful times together as our kids have gotten older. Make time to be alone together. It helps you not resent the general lack of privacy as kids get older and are naturally going to be part of conversations and discussions at home. I really love hearing my kids thoughts and opinions. Discussing politics or current events or family decisions used to be just my husband and me. Now we have so many thoughts and questions and opinions. It's lovely.

amother

Periwinkle

Today at 7:10 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks for all the replies.
* Ok I switched my password.....btw my phone pretty filtered. Problem is my family has a pretty active what's app chat that they post videos and pictures that my kids like to look at.... What would u do about that ?
* I will try to make a boundary of a time that they can't knock except for emergencies. That's a good idea. The problem is it's hard to ignore when they knock.
* Steaks are bought by them. It doesn't happen all the time, those were just some recent examples. They do know to clean up it's just not to my standards and I try not to criticize everything they do. ( Even though I do at times...)
* I'm not an unstrickt mother, but I do value keeping a good relationship with them and being their friend on a basic level, to shmooze with them and such.....

Moms with teens.... Do u struggle with these things? Looking for some validation too. It's so hard.

.
..

Oh honey , I see you and I validate you and I support you.
My kids are now between 18-25. They all live at home. We are MO and there's no yeshiva culture - the boys went to regular high schools.

They're home ALL THE TIME. We have rules about cooking. They don't always do a perfect job but I don't tolerate dirty dishes. They do not knock on our door after 10 unless it's a true emergency.
They all have their own phones and laptops since middle school so that's not an issue with us.

Everyone keeps telling me this stage will pass and they'll move out soon but it's seems like it's going really slowly.....

Big, big hugs

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 9:01 am

DVOM wrote:

Thank you, this is very helpful. Yes, at times there is a resentment that nothing's private anymore and they understand everything we're saying. I'm not so good about not expressing myself if I'm thinking something. So I often kick myself that I shouldn't have said something to my husband in front of he kids... I love the discussions with the older teens who are mature but the immature 14 yr old, not so much..... Yes we need to make more of a set time to go out to talk.

amother

↑ OP

Today at 9:06 am

amother Periwinkle wrote:

That's really hard , to have so many around!
I have thought that if they would all have there own phones or computers, which is normal in the modern and secular world, half of this wouldn't be a problem. But I would rather them not have it as that causes other issues sometimes, but then I still deal with them taking all of our stuff, which is not easy.
I'll have to try the no knocking unless it's an emergency rule.... I guess I've been enforcing the "knocking" which was a process but I didn't think of the " no knocking or asking " past a certain time. Thanks everyone!

amother

Peru

Today at 9:32 am

Your teens sound normal! BH! I also find it hard that my day never ends, I have to be "on" from the minute I wake until I go to bed (and yell at them not to knock!, lol)

But I remind myself that it feels like just yesterday that I felt like I was drowning with my toddlers and babies. Especially how they would wake up at 530am.... and I felt like this would be my life forever!! And the constant playroom mess...

Well it passed so fast that I'm confused Wink

So I just keep reminding myself to enjoy this stage and breathe through the challenges because I know it will also be behind me before I turn around.