Cannot handle consequences

amother

Mon, Dec 02 2024, 9:49 am

Bh 13 year old ds is a very well behaved kid and almost never gets consequences because he doesn't do anything to warrant them. But, of course, he's a child, not a malach, and he does occasionally do something he shouldn't. And when that happens, he chafes SO HARD against the consequences. And we're not talking about major misbehavior or harsh punishments. This is all stuff that is reasonable and logical (think along the lines of, using an item inappropriately, item confiscated for a certain length of time; didn't do something that needed doing, privilege not happening until it's done, stuff like that). He will even agree in hindsight that we were right and reasonable etc. But during the time that it's actually happening, he has so much trouble accepting it and tries to argue, wheedle out of it, negotiate for something different etc. We do not give in, just repeat that this is happening and that's that. He makes us crazy the entire length of time (whether it's a day or a week). This last time, he made me so crazy I finally snapped and said if you don't stop whining about it, I'm going to add time. He stopped. He also apologized once the term was over and agreed he shouldn't have been so bothersome. But it just keeps happening! Again, he doesn't get into trouble much to begin with, so maybe he's just not used to getting consequences since it so rarely happens that he does anything to warrant them. But it does happen occasionally and he makes us all crazy when it does!

giftedmom

Mon, Dec 02 2024, 11:08 am

At this age think long and hard about the battles you want to fight. Focus on safety and health and let go of less important stuff. In the coming years your relationship is what will matter the most and you don’t want to get in the way of that over arbitrary matters. Consequences get less and less effective as they become too old to control.

amother

Bisque

Today at 11:28 am

I had one rather challenging child (BH the rest were pretty easy, as far as I can recall : )

It made a huge difference when I read Rabbi Orlowek's book (I think it's My Child My Disciple) and learned the following, as s/o mentioned above: your relationship with your child is more important than any particular incident.

[GiftedMom, did you read it too?]

Far better to avoid consequences & praise responsibility, helpfulness etc.