I'm Changing from a Shpitzel to a Sheitel

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Forum -> Fashion and Beauty -> Sheitels & Tichels

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NechaMom ↓

Today at 12:45 am

amother Springgreen wrote:

Yes, I did read your post. Every single word of it. I also saw what you said about consulting daas torah, but I have no idea which daas torah you asked. I also said that since it seems that you wrote this thread AFTER already speaking to your daas torah and therapist, that you should rather go and ask THREE rabonim such as those I listed.

Why does it sound like you're the mother in law here? Who asked you to how many and which rabbonim she should go to?
ETA after reading the entire thread I see I'm not the only one who thought so.

Last edited by NechaMom on Mon, Nov 25 2024, 12:58 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Petunia ↓

Today at 12:46 am

NechaMom wrote:

Why does it sound like you're the mother in law here? Who asked you to how many and which rabbonim she should go to?

Maybe she was hurt by one of her kids and is channeling her pain here, we can't know.

amother

↑ OP

Today at 12:46 am

amother Petunia wrote:

From marriage or changed? How did she handle them?

I'm not trying to be yentish, I'm trying to understand her anger.

From marriage. I was her favorite DIL because I was the one who did not wear a wig. And now I betrayed her so terribly.

amother

↑ Petunia ↓

Today at 12:50 am

amother OP wrote:

From marriage. I was her favorite DIL because I was the one who did not wear a wig. And now I betrayed her so terribly.

This explains it better. As a chassidish mother of marrieds, I can validate her pain and humiliation. If you indeed consulted with a rav your mil respects and was guided as you relate, perhapscgo back to him and discuss her outbursts. If the rav indeed knows you mil, he should be able to guide you on how to handle her too. Your therapist should also help you in this regard.

↑ NechaMom

Today at 1:01 am

amother Petunia wrote:

Maybe she was hurt by one of her kids and is channeling her pain here, we can't know.

So it's okay to make her aware that she should MHOB here and in real life. Her responses were truly controlling and it's okay to let her know that.

amother

Topaz

Today at 1:28 am

First hugs and you are so brave.
As In everything else in life she WILL have to deal with it . If she wants to get over it eventually great and if not than it’s not your problem. If it’s not the shpitzel she will find something else at this point your mother-in-law should accept you for who you are not what you wear. And if she can’t than she should go for help or deal with it but it’s not your problem
You bh sound like you have a great husband and ravs backing you you don’t need anyone else those who want to talk and judge they will anyway nothing can stop these ppl. Hashem should give you koyach to get through this. And you should never have any bigger or more problems in life.

amother

Cyan

Today at 1:38 am

amother OP wrote:

She didn't demand it from me when I got married. It's the downgrade in tznius that bothers her.

What about the UPGRADE in your mental health? That should make her HAPPY!

↑ Raizle ↓

Today at 1:43 am

amother Petunia wrote:

You asked for chizzuk, I can respond how I feel. Don't expect to make a life altering change and everyone should sing
you praises. Expect some backlash too. Don't like it? Don't ask. You can't dictate people's reponses.

Umm, this site does have rules ya know. No it's not acceptable to hijack a posters thread because you don't approve of her life choices that she chose with her husband, daas Torah and her therapist

Iymnok ↓

Today at 2:15 am

Hold your beautiful, sheitel adorned head high and treat your MIL with the same respect you always have.
But watch out, the beauty of your shalom bayis, adherence to daas Torah and you confidence will be intimidating!

Be'ezras hashem, they will all come to respect you and admire you for the wonderful person you are becoming.

Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Today at 3:20 am

amother Daylily wrote:

.your mother is devastated but she doesn't even wear one herself!!

I find it kind of comical.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Today at 3:31 am

Your mother and MIL need to get a grip.

amother

Anemone

Today at 4:55 am

I cant give advice on handling your MIL but just want to comment that I am blown away by your self awareness and have a lot of respect for you for all the hard work it took you to get to where you are. Hatzlacha with everything!
Heart

amother

Poppy

Today at 4:59 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Your mother and MIL need to get a grip.

I think its ok to have some compassion for them

The live in communities where people will talk about them and they feel like it reflects badly on them, on there chinuch for the child to be "downgrading" there tznuis.

I even think its ok to say something like, I am sorry that this is painful and upsetting for you.

And still stick to the one hundred percent appropriate and correct decision. You asked Daas Torah, this is what you and your husband always wanted and you where pressured into doing to make other people happy. You where never brought up with this value/chumra and no one should ever take something extra on for other people - it should always be because you believe in it and believe it is giving nachas to hashem.

amother

Heather

Today at 5:31 am

amother Aconite wrote:

OP did not ask for a comment on her decision but on how to handle her mil's response. It doesn't actually matter what the decision was.

It's assur lehalacha to consult 3 Rabbonim with the same question. It says Asay lecha Rav and one of the pshatim is that you need to have ONE Rav so that you have clarity in what you do. Many advisors can bring confusion.

If people honestly feel that OP needs to be kept from making a terrible mistake, there's a way to say that.

OP you sound like you're doing so well on the emotional front, even answering back to all these people here, I'm sure you'll do well in real life too.

Without opining on anything OP has decided to do (which is her business, not ours) or what spring green thinks she should do (which IMO is none of her business) the above bolded is true when it comes to asking for a psak halacha. When it comes to asking an opinion or daas Torah, you can go to as many rabbonim as you want.

amother

Opal

Today at 6:29 am

wrkngmomof2 wrote:

Is it tznius or minhag?
And why destroy people over a chumra? It is mind boggling how sometimes chumras somehow become more important than Halacha.

Because it's not actually about Hashem, it's about other people

amother

Mauve

Today at 6:32 am

interesting to see most reply's how brave OP is and how deranged MIL is,
well Dear OP, you are obviously struggling with some issues, and you think by changing to a sheitel all issues will get solved. from personal experience I can tell you they wont, your life will only became a bigger mess, with so many new problems you will have to deal with from now, not only your in family, and yes, every human needs a loving family, imamother is not a family. but all your friends and everywhere you will go, you will get weird looks, which will drive you crazy, believe me I was there already, as I wrote in another post few weeks ago, that it made me eventually change back to a shpitzel,
please take in consideration, that most imas here who are giving you a thumbs up, are that little fraction in our chasiddish society that are struggling, many drive, have guns, going uncovered at home, peggy greenfield is their hero, and who are doing stuff most healthy happy chasiddish ladys do not,
sorry sisters, please do not take it personal, im not here bashing anyone, just bringing out a point, which I realized seeing the poll in the other tread that 75% imas go to therapists!
I also asked a big rabbi, and I was guided by a therapist, who told me my parents will eventually get over it, guess what they did not, even they didnt tell me anything I saw the pain in their eyes, and I felt the weird looks from everywhere years after.
with open eyes now I can see how wrong my therapist was guiding me thru this, yea I felt good and empowered for 2 weeks, but it was like a band-aid on a wound without healing it, my struggles did not go away, and I had to do lots of inner work with a different honest therapist to heal my pain and overcome my struggles.

↑ Iymnok

Today at 6:53 am

It's about breaking emeshment.
Not chumras.
Not other people.
Not halacha.

It's one step in a journey.
Her life is now herself, her husband, and her children.

↑ Raizle ↓

Today at 6:53 am

amother Heather wrote:

Ok
But the key word is CAN
Why are posters trying to convince the OP she SHOULD

She never asked their opinion on how many she should ask or if it was not enough that she asked the one.

It's really weird to me that this is being pushed.

↑ abound

Today at 6:56 am

Daas Torah is Daas Torah even if a random woman on the internet does not agree with you.

She seems to be taking this personally and getting very emotionally disregulated. Maybe its your mother in law herself 😂

↑ Bnei Berak 10

Today at 6:59 am

amother Poppy wrote:

I'm Livtish so I'll probably never get it Smile

Perspectives are important to me.

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