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-> Sheitels & Tichels
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Raizle
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 Today at 7:00 am
| amother Mauve wrote: | interesting to see most reply's how brave OP is and how deranged MIL is,
well Dear OP, you are obviously struggling with some issues, and you think by changing to a sheitel all issues will get solved. from personal experience I can tell you they wont, your life will only became a bigger mess, with so many new problems you will have to deal with from now, not only your in family, and yes, every human needs a loving family, imamother is not a family. but all your friends and everywhere you will go, you will get weird looks, which will drive you crazy, believe me I was there already, as I wrote in another post few weeks ago, that it made me eventually change back to a shpitzel,
please take in consideration, that most imas here who are giving you a thumbs up, are that little fraction in our chasiddish society that are struggling, many drive, have guns, going uncovered at home, peggy greenfield is their hero, and who are doing stuff most healthy happy chasiddish ladys do not,
sorry sisters, please do not take it personal, im not here bashing anyone, just bringing out a point, which I realized seeing the poll in the other tread that 75% imas go to therapists!
I also asked a big rabbi, and I was guided by a therapist, who told me my parents will eventually get over it, guess what they did not, even they didnt tell me anything I saw the pain in their eyes, and I felt the weird looks from everywhere years after.
with open eyes now I can see how wrong my therapist was guiding me thru this, yea I felt good and empowered for 2 weeks, but it was like a band-aid on a wound without healing it, my struggles did not go away, and I had to do lots of inner work with a different honest therapist to heal my pain and overcome my struggles. |
Oh my goodness.
How is it that people belonging to these communities are even on the internet.
They can have access to the internet with all its shmutz and temptations but if you wear one covering over another it's the end of the world.
I don't get it!
Anyway you sure those weird looks weren't in your head?
If they were real then I'm going to tell you right now that shaming another yid and lack of ahavas Yisroel is way way worse then a minhag or chumrah or whatever it is relating to what you put in your head.
Last edited by Raizle on Mon, Nov 25 2024, 7:04 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Sunflower
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Today at 7:00 am
| amother Mauve wrote: | interesting to see most reply's how brave OP is and how deranged MIL is,
well Dear OP, you are obviously struggling with some issues, and you think by changing to a sheitel all issues will get solved. from personal experience I can tell you they wont, your life will only became a bigger mess, with so many new problems you will have to deal with from now, not only your in family, and yes, every human needs a loving family, imamother is not a family. but all your friends and everywhere you will go, you will get weird looks, which will drive you crazy, believe me I was there already, as I wrote in another post few weeks ago, that it made me eventually change back to a shpitzel,
please take in consideration, that most imas here who are giving you a thumbs up, are that little fraction in our chasiddish society that are struggling, many drive, have guns, going uncovered at home, peggy greenfield is their hero, and who are doing stuff most healthy happy chasiddish ladys do not,
sorry sisters, please do not take it personal, im not here bashing anyone, just bringing out a point, which I realized seeing the poll in the other tread that 75% imas go to therapists!
I also asked a big rabbi, and I was guided by a therapist, who told me my parents will eventually get over it, guess what they did not, even they didnt tell me anything I saw the pain in their eyes, and I felt the weird looks from everywhere years after.
with open eyes now I can see how wrong my therapist was guiding me thru this, yea I felt good and empowered for 2 weeks, but it was like a band-aid on a wound without healing it, my struggles did not go away, and I had to do lots of inner work with a different honest therapist to heal my pain and overcome my struggles. |
Truly sorry for what you went through.
However, no two situations are alike. OP does not think all her issues will disappear with this change. She truly seems self aware, and I’m quite sure she knows what she’s in for by changing headgear. And no, Im not from that fraction of society you named. I’m proudly chassidish.
I also don’t think she came on here to be applauded, and not even for anyone to tell her how deranged her mil is. She knows that already. All she needs is advice on how to best deal with this mess.
OP, had I been in your shoes, I would not focus on looking for ways to calm mil down. She’s obviously toxic, and no matter what you do it’ll never be enough. It’s not your responsibility to make sure she feels ok. She’s an adult. Also, I would make sure to spend more time with people who accept me so that I am constantly reminded of who I am.
Hatzlacha!
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Raizle
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Today at 7:02 am
| abound wrote: | Daas Torah is Daas Torah even if a random woman on the internet does not agree with you.
She seems to be taking this personally and getting very emotionally disregulated. Maybe its your mother in law herself 😂 |
it's more then one person though.
It's the mother in law, the mother and one of the sister in law's who was jealous because OP was the favourite till now
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amother
Hyssop
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Today at 7:21 am
| amother Mauve wrote: | interesting to see most reply's how brave OP is and how deranged MIL is,
well Dear OP, you are obviously struggling with some issues, and you think by changing to a sheitel all issues will get solved. from personal experience I can tell you they wont, your life will only became a bigger mess, with so many new problems you will have to deal with from now, not only your in family, and yes, every human needs a loving family, imamother is not a family. but all your friends and everywhere you will go, you will get weird looks, which will drive you crazy, believe me I was there already, as I wrote in another post few weeks ago, that it made me eventually change back to a shpitzel,
please take in consideration, that most imas here who are giving you a thumbs up, are that little fraction in our chasiddish society that are struggling, many drive, have guns, going uncovered at home, peggy greenfield is their hero, and who are doing stuff most healthy happy chasiddish ladys do not,
sorry sisters, please do not take it personal, im not here bashing anyone, just bringing out a point, which I realized seeing the poll in the other tread that 75% imas go to therapists!
I also asked a big rabbi, and I was guided by a therapist, who told me my parents will eventually get over it, guess what they did not, even they didnt tell me anything I saw the pain in their eyes, and I felt the weird looks from everywhere years after.
with open eyes now I can see how wrong my therapist was guiding me thru this, yea I felt good and empowered for 2 weeks, but it was like a band-aid on a wound without healing it, my struggles did not go away, and I had to do lots of inner work with a different honest therapist to heal my pain and overcome my struggles. |
Your mocking therapist but you yourself goes to one…
I’m really sorry for your experience it’s really sad that changing a head covering can really destroy a person. It’s not like you uncovered. You just switched headgear. Sad.
And if it was bandaid to you then you agree there are deeper issues in your life and you need to deal with them like everyone else.
So please leave op alone go deal with your own problems.
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amother
Seashell
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Today at 7:41 am
I think if this had been something else, people might have focused more on the underlying issue rather than the headcovering.
It sounds like both sets of parents are not setting healthy boundaries or relationships. Op has been working hard on setting new limits and trying to unweave her way through serious emeshment and unhealthy patterns of behavior. By changing to a sheitel she is saying I am taking control of myself and my life. And it's not that she's come up with this herself. She's spoken it through with her dh and with daas torah. And that should be enough for other posters. If she hadn't asked, then maybe you could suggest she should ask, but if she has spoken to her rav, who has supported her, then that's the final answer. We don't go rabbi shopping.
Op, wear your sheitel with pride and each time you put it on, feel the courage of your decision to break through the dysfunction and reclaim yourself. If you feel confident, then they have nothing to say.
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amother
Stone
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Today at 7:50 am
| amother Springgreen wrote: | | Yes, I did read your post. Every single word of it. I also saw what you said about consulting daas torah, but I have no idea which daas torah you asked. I also said that since it seems that you wrote this thread AFTER already speaking to your daas torah and therapist, that you should rather go and ask THREE rabonim such as those I listed. |
The desire to control here is unbelievable
Op I wish you hatzlacha and healing. You got this
Eta you want to know what's wrong w chassidus today? Exhibit a right here.
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amother
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Today at 8:06 am
| amother Stone wrote: | The desire to control here is unbelievable
Op I wish you hatzlacha and healing. You got this
Eta you want to know what's wrong w chassidus today? Exhibit a right here. |
The need for some to control is not unique to one group.
Signed,
A woman who married chassidish and some of my litvish relatives stood up to leave as soon as my husband and I started dancing the mitzvah tanz. They did this as a planned public protest of what they considered a breach of tznius.
They put their chumros ahead of the feelings of the kallah and her family.
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amother
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Today at 8:09 am
| amother Mauve wrote: | interesting to see most reply's how brave OP is and how deranged MIL is,
well Dear OP, you are obviously struggling with some issues, and you think by changing to a sheitel all issues will get solved. from personal experience I can tell you they wont, your life will only became a bigger mess, with so many new problems you will have to deal with from now, not only your in family, and yes, every human needs a loving family, imamother is not a family. but all your friends and everywhere you will go, you will get weird looks, which will drive you crazy, believe me I was there already, as I wrote in another post few weeks ago, that it made me eventually change back to a shpitzel,
please take in consideration, that most imas here who are giving you a thumbs up, are that little fraction in our chasiddish society that are struggling, many drive, have guns, going uncovered at home, peggy greenfield is their hero, and who are doing stuff most healthy happy chasiddish ladys do not,
sorry sisters, please do not take it personal, im not here bashing anyone, just bringing out a point, which I realized seeing the poll in the other tread that 75% imas go to therapists!
I also asked a big rabbi, and I was guided by a therapist, who told me my parents will eventually get over it, guess what they did not, even they didnt tell me anything I saw the pain in their eyes, and I felt the weird looks from everywhere years after.
with open eyes now I can see how wrong my therapist was guiding me thru this, yea I felt good and empowered for 2 weeks, but it was like a band-aid on a wound without healing it, my struggles did not go away, and I had to do lots of inner work with a different honest therapist to heal my pain and overcome my struggles. |
Can you take the driving out of this sentence? Thank you very much.
We are not a tiny fraction and in many of our Chassidus it's totally fine to drive.
I'm sorry for what you went through and I validate the rest of your post.
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amother
Snapdragon
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Today at 8:13 am
I didn't read all responses, but can you move away?
Dh put on specific livush after his bar mitzvah. As he got older he was unhappy about certain clothing, felt it was forced along him due to the direction his older brother took. The livush isn't what his father wears.
It was easier for dh to make the change because we don't live next to his family. Dh told them about it and they had a long time before they saw him wearing the same clothes as his father. My chose not to tell his siblings so some of them were surprised. By then it was really old news.
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wrkngmomof2
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Today at 8:13 am
| amother Salmon wrote: | The need for some to control is not unique to one group.
Signed,
A woman who married chassidish and some of my litvish relatives stood up to leave as soon as my husband and I started dancing the mitzvah tanz. They did this as a planned public protest of what they considered a breach of tznius.
They put their chumros ahead of the feelings of the kallah and her family. |
That’s horrible and inexcusable.
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amother
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Today at 8:20 am
Op, do you have access to the chassidishe velt?
I was wondering why you'd post this thread on the main board.
You'd probably get different responses there as many chassidishe posters are abstaining from answering here out of fear of backlash of posters unfamiliar with true repercussions of changing levush in chassidishe circles.
Unless you know what replies you'd be getting and didn’t want to hear it.
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amother
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Today at 8:20 am
| Raizle wrote: | Oh my goodness.
How is it that people belonging to these communities are even on the internet.
They can have access to the internet with all its shmutz and temptations but if you wear one covering over another it's the end of the world.
I don't get it!
Anyway you sure those weird looks weren't in your head?
If they were real then I'm going to tell you right now that shaming another yid and lack of ahavas Yisroel is way way worse then a minhag or chumrah or whatever it is relating to what you put in your head. |
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amother
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Today at 8:22 am
| amother Mauve wrote: | interesting to see most reply's how brave OP is and how deranged MIL is,
well Dear OP, you are obviously struggling with some issues, and you think by changing to a sheitel all issues will get solved. from personal experience I can tell you they wont, your life will only became a bigger mess, with so many new problems you will have to deal with from now, not only your in family, and yes, every human needs a loving family, imamother is not a family. but all your friends and everywhere you will go, you will get weird looks, which will drive you crazy, believe me I was there already, as I wrote in another post few weeks ago, that it made me eventually change back to a shpitzel,
please take in consideration, that most imas here who are giving you a thumbs up, are that little fraction in our chasiddish society that are struggling, many drive, have guns, going uncovered at home, peggy greenfield is their hero, and who are doing stuff most healthy happy chasiddish ladys do not,
sorry sisters, please do not take it personal, im not here bashing anyone, just bringing out a point, which I realized seeing the poll in the other tread that 75% imas go to therapists!
I also asked a big rabbi, and I was guided by a therapist, who told me my parents will eventually get over it, guess what they did not, even they didnt tell me anything I saw the pain in their eyes, and I felt the weird looks from everywhere years after.
with open eyes now I can see how wrong my therapist was guiding me thru this, yea I felt good and empowered for 2 weeks, but it was like a band-aid on a wound without healing it, my struggles did not go away, and I had to do lots of inner work with a different honest therapist to heal my pain and overcome my struggles. | I don’t think OP’s story is quite the same. Her mother doesn’t wear a shpitzel, none of her sils wear it either. She said there’s a lot of disfunction in her family. Honestly if I knew her irl I wouldn’t blink if she changed, it makes no sense for her to wear a shpitzel.
(I’m not telling her what to do because she already asked her dh and dass torah and my opinion doesn’t even matter.)
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amother
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Today at 8:25 am
| amother Offwhite wrote: | Right? As someone not from this community, one huge takeaway I have from all of these threads is how acceptable it is for everyone to judge and feel judged in these communities. The level of yentishkeit and lashon hara and minding others business is just fascinating to me, as I cannot relate to it in the least.
So many people living for others, controlling others' choices, viewing their struggles through a narrow lense of judgement. Those women in it are so used to it, they cannot possibly realize how strange it is for us on the outside.
I commemd OP for being extremely self aware and having her priorities straight despite growing up in this type of environment. |
I think you are getting a skewed view of a community if you don't see the whole picture, you are only seeing the negative side. Every community has its positives and negatives, I don't know which community OP is from (I can guess), but I'm sure there's plenty of positives in living in OPs community. I live in a different community and I can tell you there's plenty wrong here as well (as well as good). None of us are living in a utopian society.
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amother
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Today at 8:26 am
| amother Petunia wrote: | Op, do you have access to the chassidishe velt?
I was wondering why you'd post this thread on the main board.
You'd probably get different responses there as many chassidishe posters are abstaining from answering here out of fear of backlash of posters unfamiliar with true repercussions of changing levush in chassidishe circles.
Unless you know what replies you'd be getting and didn’t want to hear it. |
This is more of a mil issue for her and less of a do you believe I’m doing the right thing thread. Why would she want to have even more of a debate than she has here?
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amother
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Today at 8:27 am
| amother Offwhite wrote: | Right? As someone not from this community, one huge takeaway I have from all of these threads is how acceptable it is for everyone to judge and feel judged in these communities. The level of yentishkeit and lashon hara and minding others business is just fascinating to me, as I cannot relate to it in the least.
So many people living for others, controlling others' choices, viewing their struggles through a narrow lense of judgement. Those women in it are so used to it, they cannot possibly realize how strange it is for us on the outside.
I commemd OP for being extremely self aware and having her priorities straight despite growing up in this type of environment. |
According to another poster, the ahavas yisroel was extended to her by litvishe relatives at her chassunah no less.
Controlling as you call it isn't limited to chassidim. Since you are an outsider peeking in you can invent your own misconceptions and stereotypes.
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amother
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Today at 8:27 am
| amother Salmon wrote: | The need for some to control is not unique to one group.
Signed,
A woman who married chassidish and some of my litvish relatives stood up to leave as soon as my husband and I started dancing the mitzvah tanz. They did this as a planned public protest of what they considered a breach of tznius.
They put their chumros ahead of the feelings of the kallah and her family. |
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amother
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Today at 8:28 am
| amother Petunia wrote: | Op, do you have access to the chassidishe velt?
I was wondering why you'd post this thread on the main board.
You'd probably get different responses there as many chassidishe posters are abstaining from answering here out of fear of backlash of posters unfamiliar with true repercussions of changing levush in chassidishe circles.
Unless you know what replies you'd be getting and didn’t want to hear it. | Im on the cv and you’re so right. But, I don’t think a woman from a shpitzel family who changes to a shaitel in quest of happiness is the same as a woman (and her husband) who were forced into this in a dysfunctional way.
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amother
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Today at 8:28 am
| amother Salmon wrote: | The need for some to control is not unique to one group.
Signed,
A woman who married chassidish and some of my litvish relatives stood up to leave as soon as my husband and I started dancing the mitzvah tanz. They did this as a planned public protest of what they considered a breach of tznius.
They put their chumros ahead of the feelings of the kallah and her family. |
That’s about what they don’t want to be part of, not what you should be doing. And it’s not a protest, many don’t want to watch a woman dance/ sway/ move/ be the center of attention in front of men or in front of themselves so it’s not appropriate for them to be there based on their hashkafa. It really wasn’t about you.
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amother
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Today at 8:31 am
| amother Offwhite wrote: | Right? As someone not from this community, one huge takeaway I have from all of these threads is how acceptable it is for everyone to judge and feel judged in these communities. The level of yentishkeit and lashon hara and minding others business is just fascinating to me, as I cannot relate to it in the least.
So many people living for others, controlling others' choices, viewing their struggles through a narrow lense of judgement. Those women in it are so used to it, they cannot possibly realize how strange it is for us on the outside.
I commend OP for being extremely self aware and having her priorities straight despite growing up in this type of environment. | You’re right, but that doesn’t change facts. When you live in an insular community and everyone knows everyone and 99.5% of people wear the same headgear from when they get married, people will notice and yentas will yent. Her knowing it’s normal will not make her feel better about it.
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