I'm Changing from a Shpitzel to a Sheitel

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Forum -> Fashion and Beauty -> Sheitels & Tichels

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amother

↑ Offwhite

Today at 5:32 am

amother Lavender wrote:

I think you are getting a skewed view of a community if you don't see the whole picture, you are only seeing the negative side. Every community has its positives and negatives, I don't know which community OP is from (I can guess), but I'm sure there's plenty of positives in living in OPs community. I live in a different community and I can tell you there's plenty wrong here as well (as well as good). None of us are living in a utopian society.

amother

↑ Ruby ↓

Today at 5:32 am

amother Forestgreen wrote:

That’s about what they don’t want to be part of, not what you should be doing. And it’s not a protest, many don’t want to watch a woman dance/ sway/ move/ be the center of attention in front of men or in front of themselves so it’s not appropriate for them to be there based on their hashkafa. It really wasn’t about you.

do you realize they can look down, close their eyes, or turn to the side if they really mean it?

amother

Cornsilk

Today at 5:33 am

amother Petunia wrote:

Op, do you have access to the chassidishe velt?

I was wondering why you'd post this thread on the main board.

You'd probably get different responses there as many chassidishe posters are abstaining from answering here out of fear of backlash of posters unfamiliar with true repercussions of changing levush in chassidishe circles.

Unless you know what replies you'd be getting and didn’t want to hear it.

Actually, as a shpitzel-wearing woman myself, there really arent any repercussions. Worst case scenario, people will talk about you and yenta behind your back till the next new piece of gossip becomes available. Keep in mind that these people don't dictate your life and certainly don't mean your good.

And regarding your mil and mother, hopefully they'll get over it really soon. It's not their life and their decision to make. Just keep pushing through until they get used to it. And if they don't get over it, like a poster above wrote, well, then that's their problem not yours.

Also, to those saying it won't solve her issues, being controlled and told what you may and may not wear brings a whole slew of its own issues. So don't be so quick to tell her off.

amother

↑ Forestgreen ↓

Today at 5:34 am

amother Ruby wrote:

do you realize they can look down, close their eyes, or turn to the side if they really mean it?

While they sit there for the whole thing? And you would complain just as much.. and if they had boys who they didn’t want to see it it’s way more complicated.

amother

↑ Lavender ↓

Today at 5:35 am

amother Mauve wrote:

interesting to see most reply's how brave OP is and how deranged MIL is,
well Dear OP, you are obviously struggling with some issues, and you think by changing to a sheitel all issues will get solved. from personal experience I can tell you they wont, your life will only became a bigger mess, with so many new problems you will have to deal with from now, not only your in family, and yes, every human needs a loving family, imamother is not a family. but all your friends and everywhere you will go, you will get weird looks, which will drive you crazy, believe me I was there already, as I wrote in another post few weeks ago, that it made me eventually change back to a shpitzel,
please take in consideration, that most imas here who are giving you a thumbs up, are that little fraction in our chasiddish society that are struggling, many drive, have guns, going uncovered at home, peggy greenfield is their hero, and who are doing stuff most healthy happy chasiddish ladys do not,
sorry sisters, please do not take it personal, im not here bashing anyone, just bringing out a point, which I realized seeing the poll in the other tread that 75% imas go to therapists!
I also asked a big rabbi, and I was guided by a therapist, who told me my parents will eventually get over it, guess what they did not, even they didnt tell me anything I saw the pain in their eyes, and I felt the weird looks from everywhere years after.
with open eyes now I can see how wrong my therapist was guiding me thru this, yea I felt good and empowered for 2 weeks, but it was like a band-aid on a wound without healing it, my struggles did not go away, and I had to do lots of inner work with a different honest therapist to heal my pain and overcome my struggles.

I am sorry for what you went through.

I would like to ask you a question and please answer honestly - do you think it's ok for a mother in law to force her new daughter in law to wear something that her son doesn't want her to wear (meaning the new daughter in laws husband), just because it doesn't pas for HER? Do you really think its healthy to control your children on such a level?

I am not in therapy, actually, but it's not a bad thing to go to therapy (as you see for yourself) to gain tools and self awareness to change unhealthy family dynamics.

Rest assured, I know women who changed their headgear and surprise! They are still frum and ehrlich. They still don't drive or do any of the other things you mentioned. This is about control and being your own person, which is a language that works for all humans, in every community.

The repercussions from the people around here may be difficult, but I'm sure OP has taken that into consideration before making her decision.

amother

↑ Ruby ↓

Today at 5:37 am

amother Forestgreen wrote:

While they sit there for the whole thing? And you would complain just as much.. and if they had boys who they didn’t want to see it it’s way more complicated.

The whole thing is 90 seconds. And I can assure you there’s barely any visible movement from the kallah’s side. But go on, keep looking down on a minhag that’s centuries old just to prove that the Lituim don’t judge c”v, only chassidim do LOL

amother

↑ Lavender ↓

Today at 5:38 am

amother Offwhite wrote:

I never said there isn't a lot of positive. Of course there is a lot of positive, and I have been the beneficiary of the positive as well. But that doesn't mean I'm getting a skewed view. I'm focusing on one specific aspect of this community- one which, as an outsider with a view in, I can clearly see.

Speaking loshon horah on an entire frum community is a big aveira. Maybe just as bad, or worse, than what you accuse the community as doing.

amother

↑ Forestgreen

Today at 5:41 am

amother Ruby wrote:

You are the one going off topic. Just understand it looks more ridiculous to think the sky is falling because she’s changing away from an extra head covering. As long as you understand that. And this thread is about something specific it says a lot that you need to take it off topic to try to say everyone is bad and only you who want to say this is the biggest deal are the good ones here.

amother

↑ Lavender ↓

Today at 5:41 am

amother Salmon wrote:

The need for some to control is not unique to one group.

Signed,
A woman who married chassidish and some of my litvish relatives stood up to leave as soon as my husband and I started dancing the mitzvah tanz. They did this as a planned public protest of what they considered a breach of tznius.

They put their chumros ahead of the feelings of the kallah and her family.

That may have been hurtful, but I fail to see how they were "controlling", the only people they were controlling were themselves. And its obvious they would leave if don't agree with it and think it's against halacha (not a chumra as you pretend). I fail to see any correlation except you're trying to change the subject.

amother

↑ Ivory

Today at 5:41 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

Good! Let him knock some sense into her head!

you mean mil’s head?
Op- you might be better off in another community. As I wrote- each and every one of our children chose a different derech. Yes it bothered us- parents usually have this image of a uniform family- all pictures on the mantle. But this is not always what the children need. It took time and guidance and patience. Our children found communities that they are comfortable with.
Op- validate all the parents’ feelings. Explain to them that this (the shpitzel) was never something you or dh wanted. And since there are two sil who don’t wear shpitzels, you feel more comfortable with your tzniuzdig sheitel and hat/ band/ whatever cover you chose.
Again, coming from a streimel, normal shoulder length sheitel, I am telling you that ultimately your parents want your happiness, but are not sure how to step back and accept.
Btw- short wig with coverings is good- we have a child who became modern Israeli- she wears a half of a mitpachat and shorter skirts and when she visits us and siblings she fully covers and wears longer skirts.
We have a shtreimel with lange rekyl- very stylish but tzniusdig wife.
Chasan sofer up hat- wife with no makeup and simple shoulder length sheitel.
Jacket with no hat- wife with beanies or long wig
They are happy bh, have parnasa, and shalom bayis (as far as we know). Wonderful, amazing, talented, derech eretzdig grandchildren. We try very hard to accept and not mix in.
Hatzlacha rabbah to you. It will take time, but you will be ok.
So, I am not feeling too well, nasty flu bh, and I never write long megillas, hope I am making sense.

amother

↑ Salmon ↓

Today at 5:42 am

amother Petunia wrote:

That's not true. The posters who are supportive here are active on the chassidishe velt and funny enough some of those supportive posters are sometimes accused of being too close minded by other chassidish posters.

So OP can be confident that even the supposedly in the box posters know that what she is doing is right for her.

amother

↑ Salmon ↓

Today at 5:49 am

amother Forestgreen wrote:

They told me that I'm disgusting and not frum.

They planned this protest of standing up and leaving all together as their way of publicly showing that they don't approve.

They wanted to make a statement because they wanted to teach my sisters and cousins a lesson to never have a mitzvah tanz.

It was very much about control.

Some families are just messed up and enmeshed no matter how great they look to outsiders. The only way to deal with it is to build yourself up and do what you know is right.

amother

↑ Ruby

Today at 5:51 am

amother Forestgreen wrote:

Please quote where I said that. I said it makes perfect sense for her to change, but yentas will yent. But if you see me saying everyone is bad then I guess my writing is incoherent in this fine morning. Have a good day.

amother

Amaryllis

Today at 5:54 am

amother Salmon wrote:

You have crazy relatives. This is not a community thing.

Yiddis

Today at 6:00 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't intend to share which Daas Torah I asked. You're free to consult whomever you wish for your own personal problems. Everyone has their own Rav. My question was not whether I should do it - that's already been decided. My question was how to deal with family members who are not taking it well.

Frankly, you truly lack empathy. I wish you the best and request that you stop interacting with me. Your words have not helped. Thank you.

This small interaction proves that you're tough and that you have clarity.

I think you got this girlfriend. Cheers

amother

Linen

Today at 6:11 am

I think it's so incredible that you're doing this for yourself and your husband! I personally feel the less discussion the better. Walk in tomorrow with your shaitel, don't mention it and if they scream and have a fit, talk to the person next to you who's normal lol. Eventually they'll move on if you ignore the reactions.

amother

Peru

Today at 6:14 am

amother OP wrote:

Hi all,
I need your chizuk here.
My husband and I have decided, together with daas torah, that I will change my headgear - from shpitzel to sheitel. To make a long story short - I am what they call a parentified child. My mother does not wear a shpitzel and the reason I agreed to wear it was to satisfy my parents and in laws. I never desired it myself - and as for my husband - he explicitly asked his parents prior to entering shidduchim he does not want a shpitzel.
I've been my father's mom for as long as I recall. Having been blessed with a deep sensitivity my father clung to me from when I was just a little girl. He'd burden me with his shalom bayis ills and woes and I'd lose my mind trying to solve every single problem in his life - be it financial or whatever. I married my husband because my father convinced me the shidduch would repair his public image (my husband is from a reputable family).
Soon after I was married, I quickly took on the parental role to my mother in law. She's a really fragile, insecure, emotionally needy person and I sensed that quickly and felt it was my obligation to be everything she wanted me to be.
Soon after my marriage I fell into a deep depression. I quit my job and spent months and months just sleeping - trying to tune out. Having no choice, I sought professional help and realized I'd have to take charge of my life for once and for all and be me - the person I want to be.
We have two beautiful children and my husband is a truly exceptional boy. My anger at the situation stemmed from the fact that my marriage was simply a means to satisfy my parents. And so it was decided, together with the therapist and marriage counselor we were seeing, that changing my headgear would be the right move for me to finally remove myself from the past and find independence. Of course we also spoke to a rav and he gave us a bracha to proceed.
To make it clear - the sheitels I bought are all really short and tznius'dig. Its not like I purchased 22 inch wigs and changed my entire lifestyle - my sheitel is totally normal and accepted in my community and I would not be considered weird or different or OTD by any standards.
I informed my parents and they were both super unhappy. My mother openly admonished me and lamented how this was a divine punishment from Hashem. I was devastated and nearly decided to call it off but in the end I stuck by. Just this week we informed my in laws. While my father in law had a very reasonable reaction my mother in law totally blew it. She's been screaming, ranting, and sobbing, phoning my husband every single day, several times a day. She even personally came down to my house and told us she's writhing in agony and we can't do this to her. She splurged 10k on jewelry for me to convince me to change my mind.
I'm totally overwhelmed and while I know this is manipulative behavior she is my mother in law and I want to have a good relationship with her. I know when she'll see me with a sheitel she'll burst out crying and I just won't be able to bear it. My husband is overwhelmed and forlorn. Does anyone have experience dealing with a similar situation? What do you suggest we do about my MIL?
Thanks in advance all - much love and appreciation.

This is why I would advise just changing without telling anyone. Once you wear the sheitel already then they know it's over and they can't control. There would have been way less tantruming.

amother

↑ Salmon

Today at 6:17 am

amother Amaryllis wrote:

You have crazy relatives. This is not a community thing.

That's true. I never blamed any community. My relatives are unhealthy and the faster I recognized that, the easier it was to do what was right. Even when one relative helped my sisters financially and not me because of my life choices.

I hope OP can do the same. Although of course her situation is more severe. I didn't have my mother and mother in law crying and bribing me.

amother

↑ Petunia

Today at 6:18 am

amother Amaryllis wrote:

You have crazy relatives. This is not a community thing.

You can extend your defending YOUR community to defending mine.

Op has a crazy mil. This is not a community thing.

Nice, no?

Somehow, it only goes one way.

amother

↑ Lavender

Today at 6:21 am

amother Petunia wrote:

You can extend your defending YOUR community to defending mine.

Op has a crazy mil. This is not a community thing.

Nice, no?

Somehow, it only goes one way.

Nope, I'm not from your community and I think the community bashing is out of line (both ways). You can easily see what I wrote due to the new arrows.

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