Is it my money? | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:09 pm

I just got my first job after being married for quite some time.
My question is the money I receive from my job, is it all mine or is it considered my husband's?

Tia.

amother

Snowflake ↓

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:11 pm

In what sense?

Halachically, it is your husbands. But most people don’t live that way and consider their income shared regardless of who earns it

Personally, DH and I have separate accounts and split the bills. But we still consider it “our” money no matter what

amother

Calendula

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:12 pm

Well I guess that’s for you two to discuss.

No one here can tell you if you’re money is needed for the family

amother

Rose

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:14 pm

I’m assuming if you’re asking such a question there is more to it which you’re not sharing.

notshanarishona ↓

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:18 pm

Typically money that either spouse earns first goes to family expenses and then if it’s extra their is room for discussion but I would say the one who earns it has more of a say

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:19 pm

amother Rose wrote:

I’m assuming if you’re asking such a question there is more to it which you’re not sharing.

There is nothing more to it. It's a simple question. I've been out of the workforce for 20 years and don't know how it works when married.

amother

Gardenia

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:20 pm

amother Snowflake wrote:

I don't think it's that simple. I think what and how DH is providing is taken into account.

amother

↑ Snowflake

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:25 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

Typically money that either spouse earns first goes to family expenses and then if it’s extra their is room for discussion but I would say the one who earns it has more of a say

I think that really depends. SAHMs don’t have less of a say because they aren’t the physical earners. They contribute the same effort to the household and the husbands can only work to begin with because they are at home holding it together

amother

Yellow

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:30 pm

I’m not working now but my dh would say it’s more yours if it’s not especially needed. But the question makes me sad.

amother

Blushpink

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:30 pm

Are you going to work because you as a family need the money?
I really don't get your question tho. I just took a job after not working for over 12 years . Our money is shared.

amother

Hibiscus ↓

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:32 pm

According to my husband, he says Halacha states whatever the wife makes is the husbands. But in normal healthy marriages the money isn’t mine or yours it’s shared and goes into one account. If you can afford it then definitely you get to splurge on yourself with some of the money now that you’re working hard and the rest of the money to savings or household expenses etc. all depends on your finances and why you started working.

amother

Honeysuckle

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:41 pm

amother Snowflake wrote:

Can I ask why you have separate accounts?
I never understood this.
It sounds so transactional to "split the bills" as if you are business partners, not life partners.

amother

Heather

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:58 pm

It is no so clear cut that it's the husband's money. I discussed this with a dayan once. It depends how much percentage the husband earns how much the wife earns how much of each goes to support the family etc. There are many instances when halacha will state the man does not have a say on her income.

amother

Amethyst

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 11:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

There is nothing more to it. It's a simple question. I've been out of the workforce for 20 years and don't know how it works when married.

When your husband works, is it "his" money? or did you have equal access to buy what you wanted? How does he consider his salary.

For 20 years, when you needed money, did you have to ask him and get his permission? Did he ever tell you that you can't buy something you wanted because you don't have the money

Why did you make the decision to go back to work after 20 years?
Are you working because your family needs the money for bread on the table? Or for extras? Or for yourself?

Would your husband mind if you had your own account?

amother

Butterscotch ↓

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 11:06 pm

amother Heather wrote:

Please tell me which rav you spoke to. I jsut need some support in this.

amother

Pear ↓

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 11:23 pm

amother Butterscotch wrote:

Please tell me which rav you spoke to. I jsut need some support in this.

This question is concerning… does your dh say he can control all your money because Halacha says it belongs to him?

amother

↑ Butterscotch

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 11:28 pm

amother Pear wrote:

This question is concerning… does your dh say he can control all your money because Halacha says it belongs to him?

Yes he does
And he makes approximately 4,500 a week, while I am left to shoulder all the rest!

polka dots

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 11:33 pm

We share all money weather I'm working or not and we discuss big purchases before.
But this is really a conversation to have with your husband.
Also why do you have the need to have your own money?

amother

Strawberry ↓

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 11:36 pm

amother Butterscotch wrote:

Yes he does
And he makes approximately 4,500 a week, while I am left to shoulder all the rest!

Time to talk to a Rav.

Halachicly you don’t need to work at all. He can’t pick and choose in Halacha. If he wants to go with the letter of the law he should earn more money and let you cook and bake and be a sahm. (And spend money on whatever you need. Rav Avigdor Miller even says that it’s a husbands duty to make sure his wife has some money to give to tzedaka! Because it’s an emotional need).