Is it my money? | Imamother

essie14

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 12:36 am

amother OP wrote:

There is nothing more to it. It's a simple question. I've been out of the workforce for 20 years and don't know how it works when married.

Of course there's more to it.
How have you and DH been handling finances for the past 20 years?
What's the reason for you returning to work?

If you don't need the money for household expenses and you're going back to work to have some extra pocket money and your DH agrees with that, then there's no argument.
If your DH feels you should be contributing to household expenses since he's been shouldering that burden single handedly for 20 years then you need to have a discussion on what this income of yours will be used for.

amother

Copper

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 12:45 am

I’m actually even more confused that you’ve been married for 20 years and asking this question. I’ve been married for over 25 years and I have not worked at all and my husband works full-time. His money is definitely our money. I never have to ask him to use any of it. we need and pay our bills out of the money that he earns for the family. Would it abuse if he said it was his money even though he works for it and I don’t. Have you discuss this with your husband? I imagine that after working for 20 years and him share his money or maybe not the word but he earned money to support all of you. I would think that he would have a strong opinion about how he would feel about you working after 20 years and wanting to keep it all.

amother

↑ Strawberry ↓

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 12:56 am

amother Copper wrote:

Agree.
Imagine if he would want to keep his earnings for himself.

But sometimes there’s not enough money for saving or for whatever and wife says she wants to work to save money for that.
In any case, you need to discuss this and ask your Rav if you feel a need.

imaima ↓

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 12:57 am

amother OP wrote:

There is nothing more to it. It's a simple question. I've been out of the workforce for 20 years and don't know how it works when married.

What was with the money he has earned for 20 years? Was it his or yours together?

If it was „his“ and he wasn’t treating you like a partner, then your income now is „yours“

amother

Amber

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 1:08 am

If he is officially supporting you for 20 years and it’s enough to live on it can be Chazaka that this is the arrangement so you can use the no money for personal stuff only. You need to ask a shaila just putting another perspective out there.

amother

↑ Strawberry

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 1:25 am

amother Amber wrote:

What?
Where does a chazaka come in?

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 3:39 am

Yes he was supporting us for 20 years but work has been hard lately as is for most people.

He would always give me monfor whatever I need. I have my own bank account which I use for food and shopping.

This job presented itself so I took it. It's not all day, just a few hours a day. It's not much but it's enough for me.

So yeah, I think this money I make will go to expenses for the kids and home

amother

↑ Hibiscus

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 3:46 am

amother OP wrote:

Ok so that’s great it will go for the kids and the house. Who doesn’t like that idea that you’re asking whose money it is?

↑ imaima ↓

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 4:09 am

amother OP wrote:

How does it answer your question?

↑ notshanarishona

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 6:12 am

amother Snowflake wrote:

I think that really depends. SAHMs don’t have less of a say because they aren’t the physical earners. They contribute the same effort to the household and the husbands can only work to begin with because they are at home holding it together

I am talking about after all expenses are paid.
For example if I need a new car and my husband needs a new car or we both need a major repair at the same time (which happens when you both drive elderly cars), mine would be prioritized because we can’t make $ if I can’t get to work on time.
Or for example, if we both need a new laptop, and I use mine for work and he needs his for Otzar Hachochma the need for mine to be replaced would come first.
Not about me taking control, just that the family needs me to work when I can. But he is also on board with this so it makes a difference than if we were fighting about it or something purely for luxuries.

amother

Lemonlime

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 6:27 am

I’m not going to speak to Halacha, but I can tell you that in New York State and in many other states, any money earned by either partner during the marriage belongs to both parties. That means that any bank account or investment account that your dh has accumulated during your marriage is partly yours and any real estate he has purchased is partly yours as long as it was bought using marital funds (as opposed to money that was generally a gift or inheritance to him alone or earned before the marriage.) If you save money in an account, it remains partially yours and partially his. That doesn’t mean that he can withdraw all the money or force you to give it to him. I do think that it is a good idea to keep some separate accounts so that you have decision making over your earnings and the ability to buy things you need. Good luck with your new job.

↑ imaima

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 6:31 am

notshanarishona wrote:

Agree with this approach

Chayalle

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 8:02 am

A close relative of mine who is a big Talmid Chacham and an expert in Choshen Mishpat told me that he was mekabel from R' Dovid Feinstein z'l that in these days they pasken that women own their own money in some circumstances. It's not at all a blanket given in Halacha that a woman's earnings are her husband's.

amother

Stoneblue

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 8:12 am

If you verbally tell him that you don’t need him to provide for you the money is 100% hours. Provide means being able to pay your OWN food and clothes. Children are still his responsibility

doodlesmom

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 9:43 am

Unless there are, different circumstances the money should be shared and used for the household.

Ie if he doesn’t provide for you or the children enough etc.
Is abusive with money
Spends more than he should and then wants you to cover…

Last edited by doodlesmom on Sun, Nov 10 2024, 7:04 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Lavender

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 10:58 am

amother OP wrote:

Can you explain the bolded? Did he put in a set amount of money and let you spend it how you want? Was it always enough money? What if you had extra?

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 12:12 pm

I think it is fairly simple: How about discussing it with your husband??? I think it fair to say: Perhaps, can I put some money away for something special for myself? communication is the key!!!

amother

Brass ↓

Sun, Nov 10 2024, 2:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Sounds like your family needs more income, the opportunity presented itself Bh and now you're starting a new job. Hatzalacha!
Where does your question come in? What difference does it make "whose" the money is?