Just told dd14 that she's being disgusting

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

↑ Lightpink

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 11:05 pm

amother Linen wrote:

Is there a reason you think she needs to respond to everyone?

No. I don't think she needs to respond to everyone. Thanks for sharing your assumption though Speechless

Raizle

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 11:20 pm

amother Aqua wrote:

Advice for next time. (Because there will be) record her comments to her siblings. Then when she's finishes like much later play it back to her and say that type of talk is not ok.

No never record without her knowledge. This will backfire. It's kind of a low move

amother

↑ Stoneblue ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 11:27 pm

amother Canary wrote:

I honestly don't think you did anything wrong by telling her that.
But, the one thing I would do different in your situation would be to call DD away from the supper table and tell her quietly that she's being disgusting and that she needs to stop talking to her now.

My mom used to call me out at the supper table/in public (for things that weren't even bad. I know, she has lots of issues) And I vowed when I got married and had my own kids I would never call them out in front of their siblings. It was really hurtful when my mom did that. Maybe a good tip for next time..

So if you all sit at the shabbes table and the teenager is constantly bugging the other sibling (“don’t sit like that, don’t move like that, don’t sing like that”), while he does nothing wrong and has to basically freeze in place, in front of everyone else, shouldn’t she be reprimanded in front of everyone else?

amother

↑ Stoneblue ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 11:28 pm

amother Lightpink wrote:

OP, any particular reason you're ignoring this post?

It wasn’t a calculated decision.
Now, do we need to rub it in?

amother

Junglegreen

Fri, Nov 08 2024, 1:13 am

amother Stoneblue wrote:

Two wrongs don't make a right.
How is shaming your daughter in public for shaming her brother in public a good thing to do?
I'm not saying I'm perfect at this with my oldest, who's a very bossy preteen, but in general I try to practice what I preach.

amother

↑ Stoneblue

Fri, Nov 08 2024, 1:28 am

amother Junglegreen wrote:

Okay makes sense

amother

Hyssop

Fri, Nov 08 2024, 2:14 am

amother Ruby wrote:

You actually used a great word😂🤣,

signed, mother of many teenagers

No, that word should NOT be used. I think it’s abusive and honestly anyone who would call someone disgusting is a disgusting person themselves and just means they took it way to personal. Extremely damaging. She should apologize to her daughter for calling her disgusting. Don’t agree that she she call her behavior disgusting either. A much more appropriate response would have been to say ‘we don’t talk like that- you’re being very not nice to your sibling please leave the table if you can’t treat her like a friend.’

amother

Midnight

Fri, Nov 08 2024, 5:19 am

She should know her behavior was disgusting. Please don't apologize.

Maybe she got angry because it's her first time hearing the truth.

"We don't talk like that" is missing the point. That is fine if a kid says mild bad word. Not if they're incessantly bullying. That's like if a kid is hitting and you tell them "we don't go into other people's personal space bubbles."

amother

↑ Seagreen

Fri, Nov 08 2024, 5:26 am

I would also not apologize for the choice of words you used.

She was being disgusting. That doesn’t make her disgusting.

amother

Diamond

Fri, Nov 08 2024, 7:25 am

I’m wondering if some of the disagreement about the use of the word disgusting is due to differences in community culture. I would never use the word this way since, as my kids remind me often, I’m an old lady, but I hear it often . In my in town community the kids use it regularly and it is not as intense and insulting as it would have been in my day.

Regardless, op already said she regrets using the word so why are posters still harping and arguing about it?

I have a bunch of teens and former teens and have definitely dealt with similar scenarios. If the bullying behavior doesn’t stop with milder words I would indeed use strong language- ‘your treatment of your sister now is mean and unacceptable and needs to stop immediately.’ And yes, the teen probably would be insulted, but it sounds like she needed to hear that.

While I definitely try to protect all my kids’ dignity by not disciplining in public, I don’t see this working in this situation. When my teens are in bad moods and so wound up I don’t think asking them to leave the table for a minute to speak with me would actually work. It would become a new argument. In this case the behavior must stop immediately for both kids’ sakes.

I do like the advice to acknowledge the bad mood and offer space. ‘I see you’ve had a rough day. Do you want to take your plate into the dining room so you can have the space/ quiet/ peace to decompress?’’ My kids know I use this when needed- I tell them I need a few minutes to decompress when needed so I can listen and respond to them in the way they deserve. I think this is an excellent skill/tool for me and for them to learn.

Teens are hard! May we all have siyata dishmaya in raising all our kids.

tichellady

Fri, Nov 08 2024, 8:22 am

I would apologize for calling her disgusting and also talk to her about how you won’t tolerate her speaking that way to her siblings. If she’s feeling upset she can have some space but that’s not an excuse for verbal bullying. You can problem solve for her what she can do when she comes home in. Bad mood

amother

↑ Whitesmoke

Fri, Nov 08 2024, 8:26 am

amother Hyssop wrote:

Words in a meaning changes in time and culture. For example, if OP had told her daughter that her outfit is sick that would have been a compliment. Despite it sounding mean. "Being disgusting" is a pretty mild phrase for the teens I know.

amother

↑ OP

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 3:22 pm

Thank you for all the input.

Btw, she got her period the next morning, so that probably explains the visceral reaction she had.

amother

↑ Aqua

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 4:49 pm

Raizle wrote:

No never record without her knowledge. This will backfire. It's kind of a low move

I never said without her knowledge.
I would do it completely with her knowledge. Like hey kids I'm recording supper time now. That's all!
Don't even say YOU. I do it all the time with my kids their still little but when I have a hard time with bath time bedtime or anything I just say im recording this.
Got the idea when I was a kid and my parents would give my siblings something and not me and then deny it. Or my sister would break my things I had a video of it.

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