Just told dd14 that she's being disgusting

amother

Lightyellow

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 7:29 pm

I’m sorry to be harsh OP, but look at yourself for a second
1. You’re upset at dd for saying mean things
2. You were upset so you said something mean

I think you should apologize and use that to teach her, that you understand how hard it is to talk nicely when you’re upset, but you’re willing to work on it because that is what we’re supposed to do.

amother

↑ Whitesmoke ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 7:43 pm

amother Camellia wrote:

So put down a boundary. Call out DD. Tell her to stop.
But don't call her disgusting. That's offensive and hurtful and borders on name-calling.

There's a way to stop it. This isn't it.

Opie didn't call her disgusting. That would be name calling. OP said "you're being disgusting". Which is the the correct way to say " Your behavior is mean" in teen speak in 2024. It's not a particularly offensive thing to say. (Remember though, you have to pronounce it disGUUUUSting Rolling Eyes

amother

Lightpink ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 7:44 pm

amother Cream wrote:

All teens actually want a strong mother in charge who carries the burden of life. They act up more when you fall over yourself trying to please them and never upset them. It makes them feel unsafe and insecure.

It shouldn't be a contradiction

amother

Heather

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 8:18 pm

If my child is bring mean, I tell them so. "We don't speak that way". If they continue, I remove them from the area. This goes for any of my kids. I have a 13 year old. Bullying is not allowed. Ever. We actually have a book about bullying for my 4 year old. I would apologize for your words. Because they were unkind.

listenhere

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 8:53 pm

Some great advice here.

I just want to add, please try to have as many positive interactions as possible.

When they act this way it’s hard to keep the cool, and that’s normal, but please make sure to compliment and shmooze often enough so these negative interactions aren’t the majority.

peacenine

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 8:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

I feel really bad that I phrased it that way. I don't feel bad that I said something to her. I could have gotten the message across more gently.

I know she came home looking not in a great mood. I had a supper that she likes ready, and put a plate down in front of her, which she was eating. From the minute she walked in the door, she was non-stop alternating between criticizing and mocking, mostly directed at my 10yr old. I was trying to stay out of it as much as possible. Eventually, I matter of factly told dd14 you're being disgusting please stop talking to dd10 for a bit. She was so offended, looked like she was gonna cry. She stood up, yelling at me, you think that was disgusting?? it could have been a lot worse and she stomped upstairs to her room.

I don't know what to do with her. She's my oldest and my only teen. She literally has no problem being so mean to all her younger siblings and if anyone so much as hints at her being not nice, she flies off the handle.

I know. I know. I shouldn't have said that. It wasn't necessary. I could have just said please stop talking to her and dropped the part about being disgusting. I should have remembered that she looked like she wasn't in a good mood when she came home. I really do feel bad that I said that.

Please be gentle....

The biggest gift you could give her now is repair. Once you calm down you could apologize for name calling. Say it wasn't nice of me to say that. Theb you could say that you realize she had a hard day and if she'd like to talk about it.
Most likely her outburst was connected to her day.

amother

↑ Lightpink ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 8:58 pm

amother Lightyellow wrote:

Op, be honest with yourself
Was your reaction a calculated Chinuch decision? Or an outburst when you didn't control yourself anymore?
What would reacting the other way look like for you?

amother

Stoneblue ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 9:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Dealing with the same
It’s hard
She feels like I am taking sides
I keep saying that all of us should feel good at home, not only her

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 9:14 pm

I'm reading all the replies and I appreciate the kind tone.

I have no problem calling her out on such behavior. I'll usually just say, "we don't speak like that" or "please stop speaking that way" or "Please speak with respect" or something similar. And she never appreciates it when I say those things. Sometimes she'll continue to mutter under her breath for another minute so she has the last word but then back down. I can't realistically remove her from the area, like what would I do, drag her to her room? If she persists, I'll take the younger child and say something like "you deserve to be treated with respect" and go with the younger child to another room.

It's not like she's this way every day, though. She was a lot more caustic than usual today. I'm assuming something happened today that set her off. She usually comes to shmooze with me while she's getting ready for bed, even if she's upset.

I would like to apologize to her but I want it to be very clear that I'm only apologizing for my choice of words, not for telling her off, which she very much needed at that moment. I will not have her sitting at the table bullying her siblings. How can I word that so she doesn't have that misconception?

amother

↑ Stoneblue ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 9:15 pm

amother Cream wrote:

I don’t think you had a choice. You should stick up for the siblings she is bullying. She was being disgusting maybe it’s good that someone finally told her, why was she so shocked, did she think it’s ok to treat people badly?

They only know that their feelings are hurt, not someone else’s

amother

↑ Cream ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 9:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

Exactly like that. “ be very clear that I'm only apologizing for my choice of words, not for telling her off, which she very much needed at that moment. I will not have her sitting at the table bullying her siblings.”

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 9:18 pm

amother Stoneblue wrote:

Dealing with the same
It’s hard
She feels like I am taking sides
I keep saying that all of us should feel good at home, not only her

Thank you for getting it. My DD says the same, which is why I'll try to stay out of it or make a general announcement directed at everyone to speak nicely. You're right, this is hard.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 9:21 pm

listenhere wrote:

Thank you for this reminder, it's always good to hear it. I normally do have a good relationship with her. I'm generally pretty even-tempered. This is something that comes up from time to time, though, and I wonder if this is just teenagers or is something wrong with me, her, or our relationship?

amother

Canary

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 10:16 pm

I honestly don't think you did anything wrong by telling her that.
But, the one thing I would do different in your situation would be to call DD away from the supper table and tell her quietly that she's being disgusting and that she needs to stop talking to her now.

My mom used to call me out at the supper table/in public (for things that weren't even bad. I know, she has lots of issues) And I vowed when I got married and had my own kids I would never call them out in front of their siblings. It was really hurtful when my mom did that. Maybe a good tip for next time..

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Nov 07 2024, 10:45 pm

amother Canary wrote:

THat's a good tip.

familyfirst

Fri, Nov 08 2024, 12:06 am

Love the idea to acknowledge her bad mood and offer her time and space (and a snack) to calm down.

But please don’t apologize for saying that was disgusting because it was. She doesn’t get a free pass to u load her bad mood on her siblings.

I think the conclusion of this conversation could be having a conversation with her about alternative ways to unwind after a hard day. Does she want to begin a new hobby? Need a tutor for homework? Have phone time with friends? Need her own space? Learn tools to regulate her feelings?

The conclusion should not be that you mishandles the situation. Ten year old does not need to be her punching bag and it’s good for ten year old to see that you are protecting them. Definitely don’t need to regret not standing up on their behalf

amother

↑ Lightpink ↓

Fri, Nov 08 2024, 12:39 am

amother Lightpink wrote:

Op, be honest with yourself
Was your reaction a calculated Chinuch decision? Or an outburst when you didn't control yourself anymore?
What would reacting the other way look like for you?

OP, any particular reason you're ignoring this post?