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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
amother
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 Thu, Nov 07 2024, 5:36 pm
I feel really bad that I phrased it that way. I don't feel bad that I said something to her. I could have gotten the message across more gently.
I know she came home looking not in a great mood. I had a supper that she likes ready, and put a plate down in front of her, which she was eating. From the minute she walked in the door, she was non-stop alternating between criticizing and mocking, mostly directed at my 10yr old. I was trying to stay out of it as much as possible. Eventually, I matter of factly told dd14 you're being disgusting please stop talking to dd10 for a bit. She was so offended, looked like she was gonna cry. She stood up, yelling at me, you think that was disgusting?? it could have been a lot worse and she stomped upstairs to her room.
I don't know what to do with her. She's my oldest and my only teen. She literally has no problem being so mean to all her younger siblings and if anyone so much as hints at her being not nice, she flies off the handle.
I know. I know. I shouldn't have said that. It wasn't necessary. I could have just said please stop talking to her and dropped the part about being disgusting. I should have remembered that she looked like she wasn't in a good mood when she came home. I really do feel bad that I said that.
Please be gentle....
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amother
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 5:41 pm
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Advice for next time. (Because there will be) record her comments to her siblings. Then when she's finishes like much later play it back to her and say that type of talk is not ok.
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amother
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 5:49 pm
I don't think you did anything wrong. She's a teen dealing with teen hormones and mood swings, but her younger siblings should not be the scapegoats. It's good you put her in her place.
When she'll calm down you can discuss it again.
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amother
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 5:52 pm
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I don’t think you had a choice. You should stick up for the siblings she is bullying. She was being disgusting maybe it’s good that someone finally told her, why was she so shocked, did she think it’s ok to treat people badly?
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amother
Grape
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 5:59 pm
| amother Aqua wrote: | | Advice for next time. (Because there will be) record her comments to her siblings. Then when she's finishes like much later play it back to her and say that type of talk is not ok. |
Sure if you want to alienate her.
I would apologize for saying disgusting and discuss strategies for speaking nicely even when in a bad mood.
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amother
Lightgreen
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 6:12 pm
I could be reading the situation all wrong so I apologize if you feel that what I'm saying is not true.
Seems to me that you've let her behavior slide for a long time. Has she ever gotten a consequence or called out for how she speaks? Her reaction screams that she's embarrassed that she got called out. I'm just wondering if the fact that you're so horrified by how you spoke plus her reaction indicates that she is ruling the ship in a lot of ways.
(This is not to say that I think name calling is ok!)
I only have kids under 10 but I was the obnoxious young teen sister sometimes and being put in my place occasionally wasn't a bad thing,
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octopus
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 6:20 pm
| amother Aqua wrote: | | Advice for next time. (Because there will be) record her comments to her siblings. Then when she's finishes like much later play it back to her and say that type of talk is not ok. |
No, do not record. I promise you that's 10x worse and a huge breach in trust and privacy. What happened was fine. Say as much as needed. Welcome to teens.
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amother
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 6:23 pm
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She's a teen. She's allowed to get mad. What you called flying off the handle is not so bad. You can hold it. You can stop her from hurting her siblings even if she gets mad even if she stomps even if she slams doors. You don't have to be afraid of her. Truthfully inside. She doesn't want you to be.
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amother
Cappuccino
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 6:25 pm
Following.
Similar situation
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amother
Salmon
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 6:33 pm
I also have girls those ages and my 14 yr old can be so mean to her younger sister. I can totally see myself losing it and saying the same thing.
No advice. Whatever I've done it continues.
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amother
Copper
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 6:34 pm
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You're the mother here. Both dd10 and dd14 should be your concerns. Dd14 was terribly hurt after you called her disgusting, I think that tells you what she needed from you and didn't know how to ask so she attacked her siblings instead.
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amother
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 6:36 pm
| amother Copper wrote: | | You're the mother here. Both dd10 and dd14 should be your concerns. Dd14 was terribly hurt after you called her disgusting, I think that tells you what she needed from you and didn't know how to ask so she attacked her siblings instead. |
All teens actually want a strong mother in charge who carries the burden of life. They act up more when you fall over yourself trying to please them and never upset them. It makes them feel unsafe and insecure.
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amother
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 6:42 pm
| amother Copper wrote: | | You're the mother here. Both dd10 and dd14 should be your concerns. Dd14 was terribly hurt after you called her disgusting, I think that tells you what she needed from you and didn't know how to ask so she attacked her siblings instead. |
Right and so as the mother you call her out on the BS. Some teens are really disgusting with their attitude. You don’t coddle them through it. You put a stop to it. they will feel loved by you elsewhere. Not all opportunities need to leave them feeling loved. They should already know deep down they’re loved based on your relationship.
In life you cannot attack someone because you’re upset. So mom should be calling her out on that. No excuse is okay to attack your siblings.
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amother
Camellia
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 6:46 pm
| amother Seagreen wrote: | Right and so as the mother you call her out on the BS. Some teens are really disgusting with their attitude. You don’t coddle them through it. You put a stop to it. they will feel loved by you elsewhere. Not all opportunities need to leave them feeling loved. They should already know deep down they’re loved based on your relationship.
In life you cannot attack someone because you’re upset. So mom should be calling her out on that. No excuse is okay to attack your siblings. |
So put down a boundary. Call out DD. Tell her to stop.
But don't call her disgusting. That's offensive and hurtful and borders on name-calling.
There's a way to stop it. This isn't it.
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amother
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 6:48 pm
| amother Copper wrote: | | You're the mother here. Both dd10 and dd14 should be your concerns. Dd14 was terribly hurt after you called her disgusting, I think that tells you what she needed from you and didn't know how to ask so she attacked her siblings instead. |
The 14 year old wanting something and not knowing how to ask still doesn't have a free pass to let her frustration out on her younger sibs.
As you said, OP as the mother has to look out for both. The teen needs to be told off first for picking in her sister, it's rude and frankly disgusting😏. Once the situation calms down, op can focus on having a discussion with her teen.
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amother
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 6:50 pm
| amother Camellia wrote: | So put down a boundary. Call out DD. Tell her to stop.
But don't call her disgusting. That's offensive and hurtful and borders on name-calling.
There's a way to stop it. This isn't it. |
I understood it that OP told her daughter yours behavior is disgusting, vs she's disgusting. Suble but imo a big difference.
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amother
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 7:15 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I feel really bad that I phrased it that way. I don't feel bad that I said something to her. I could have gotten the message across more gently.
I know she came home looking not in a great mood. I had a supper that she likes ready, and put a plate down in front of her, which she was eating. From the minute she walked in the door, she was non-stop alternating between criticizing and mocking, mostly directed at my 10yr old. I was trying to stay out of it as much as possible. Eventually, I matter of factly told dd14 you're being disgusting please stop talking to dd10 for a bit. She was so offended, looked like she was gonna cry. She stood up, yelling at me, you think that was disgusting?? it could have been a lot worse and she stomped upstairs to her room.
I don't know what to do with her. She's my oldest and my only teen. She literally has no problem being so mean to all her younger siblings and if anyone so much as hints at her being not nice, she flies off the handle.
I know. I know. I shouldn't have said that. It wasn't necessary. I could have just said please stop talking to her and dropped the part about being disgusting. I should have remembered that she looked like she wasn't in a good mood when she came home. I really do feel bad that I said that.
Please be gentle.... |
First of all, please find me a mom that never slipped up, especially with teens. Thumbs up for you! You are an amazing mother! Anyone here have teens and never regretted saying something to them?? Don't think so...
One thing you seem to have said yourself. "She came home in a bad mood." She could've had a hard day for many reasons and of course that doesn't give her a right to hurt her younger siblings. But on the flip side, I've learned with my teens, that coming home in a bad mood means they either need space or they need to vent. So be there to say, "Seems like you had a hard day. Maybe that's why you have no energy to be nice to your sister now. Want to share what was hard today or go unwind for a bit?" Etc... Later, when her mood is better, you can always say, "Next time, when you have a hard day, take some space for yourself or talk about it. It's not fair to your younger siblings that they get criticized and mocked the way you did today. I'm sorry that I said you're being disgusting. I really shouldn't have said that. But please be nicer to them next time so I don't need to get involved.
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amother
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 7:15 pm
| amother Watermelon wrote: | | I understood it that OP told her daughter yours behavior is disgusting, vs she's disgusting. Suble but imo a big difference. |
Correct. She said behavior was disgusting. Big difference.
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iluvy
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 7:24 pm
| amother Linen wrote: | First of all, please find me a mom that never slipped up, especially with teens. Thumbs up for you! You are an amazing mother! Anyone here have teens and never regretted saying something to them?? Don't think so...
One thing you seem to have said yourself. "She came home in a bad mood." She could've had a hard day for many reasons and of course that doesn't give her a right to hurt her younger siblings. But on the flip side, I've learned with my teens, that coming home in a bad mood means they either need space or they need to vent. So be there to say, "Seems like you had a hard day. Maybe that's why you have no energy to be nice to your sister now. Want to share what was hard today or go unwind for a bit?" Etc... Later, when her mood is better, you can always say, "Next time, when you have a hard day, take some space for yourself or talk about it. It's not fair to your younger siblings that they get criticized and mocked the way you did today. I'm sorry that I said you're being disgusting. I really shouldn't have said that. But please be nicer to them next time so I don't need to get involved. |
Wow this is great advice
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amother
Ruby
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Thu, Nov 07 2024, 7:29 pm
You actually used a great word😂🤣,
signed, mother of many teenagers
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