Vent- hate having Sil for Shabbos but have no choice

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:02 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

I would totally ask her to clean up after her kids. If she makes an issue I would tell her "sorry I don't have a maid".
Make sure you have a large enough garbage can in her room.
Attractive items in fridge please store with a neighbor for Shabbos.
You need to learn to be more assertive. How old are you?

I’m 30. Why, do I sound immature?

amother

Tanzanite

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:05 am

My sister is the same way, and I once vented to my mother who said I just tolerate it and wait till they're gone, but it isn't easy. So I know I'm not the only one. I also tried speaking up but it didn't work too well, and I definitely am not great about asserting myself. In the end, we stopped having them over because I just couldn't, my husband couldn't handle it, and my kids didn't like playing with her kids. But you know what? Its been a few years now, they realized that we kept saying no, and now we really aren't close with them. I don't know what the answer is. Its really hard. You're an angel to keep doing it and it should bring shalom to your whole family and serve as a zchus for you.

imaima

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:06 am

amother OP wrote:

I would never feel comfortable embarrassing someone like that 🤷‍♀️

How is she comfortable embarrassing you like that?
About parenting advice, I sometimes had to say to people “Sorry I don’t care, you are not my role model”. That helped

amother

Cognac

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:08 am

She complained to your mil. Does she even realize that she's difficult? You would be doing her a big favor by smilingly communicating your preferences.

Maybe special food could be wrapped and labeled with a sharpie on the outside. "Do not eat, reserved!"

At a quiet moment when the vibes are good, ask her "do you really think I'm such a bad parent"? When she asks why you think she thinks that, you can tell her that she is always commenting about your parenting.

For the guest room, you can try putting up signs about eating and taking out the trash. Or you can mention offhandedly when she arrives that you have a new policy due to pesach, mice, no cleaning help, whatever you want to blame it on. And remind her before she leaves. Or ask her husband or one of her kids to take out the trash.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:09 am

amother OP wrote:

I can’t. I’m a people pleaser and don’t have courage to tell her to her face “please clean up after your kids and please don’t take things without asking”
Would most people be able to say that straight out??

Do you ever think that maybe Hashem wants you to work on this aspect of yourself? That it would be more healthy for you to develop an aspect of yourself that kindly and as nicely as possible communicates your needs? It would facilitate growth on your part, and also on your SIL's part perhaps, if you could work on this.

I really don't believe that the goal of the Torah is to develop doormats. When it says "לא תשׂנא את אחיך בלבבך" it means this. To develop communication - הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך so that we don't continue to do the Aveirah of resentment, and have genuine healthy relationships and Shalom.

amother

↑ Ballota

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:10 am

amother OP wrote:

This was just a vent. I don’t think there’s actually anything to do. Thanks for the advice though

It’s great to vent!

But I disagree that there’s nothing you can do. Don’t let yourself be a victim. Either don’t have them over (which you’ll have to grow thick skin to be able to do), or have them over and make some rules. Or have DH make the rules. It’s his sister, so it should be easier for him.

But if you keep going as you’ve done in the past, they’ll continue to take advantage of you and you’ll grow even more resentful. Which isn’t nice to yourself.

amother

Kiwi

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:16 am

Maybe don't make it so nice and comfortable when then come so that they don't want to come so much. Maybe serve the food that you enjoy and they don't if you MUST have them over. Maybe be extra strict with everyone around your rules and even make up new rules. I have a sister in law that I don't want to invite for similar reasons and I also had to since my MIL protested that I am insulting them. They came 2 Shabbos and afterwards it didn't even interest them so much anymore so they didn't bother my MIL that I have to invite them again.
The main difference is that by me , my husband also didn't want them do come based on their behavior

amother

Butterscotch ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:16 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes not everyone suffers from people pleaser syndrome. I actually don’t care if my family throws a tantrum over my boundaries. I stick to my guns. I’d have told her once that she needs to clean up and ask before eating anything, or what I do is say you are welcome to anything on this shelf but not this shelf. If she wouldn’t listen I wouldn’t have her over. If mil called I’d take the phone and say I told her the issues that need to change if she wants to come, I can’t do it while this continues. And that’s all.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:17 am

amother OP wrote:

This was just a vent. I don’t think there’s actually anything to do. Thanks for the advice though

You can say things in a nice way. I have had family members whom I communicated with, saying things like "I love hosting you and want it to work well for both of our families. So I need to ask you that when you come, I have a few house rules that make it more pleasant and easier for me to host company, cuz I work full time so I need xyz......." (for example I had a relative whose relatives ate all over the house. I found those tiny Osem croutons EVERYWHERE, under the woodwork they ate them all over the house. It's been several years since and they know that in MY house they can only eat in the kitchen. Or I tell them I'll put a garbage bag in your room, I need you to put all garbage in there and take it out before you leave....I'm happy for you to help yourself to XYZ but these types of items (I spell them out) please check with me first.....)

I once had a neighbor whose oven went off on YT, so she was heating something in mine, and a guest of mine helped themselves to half her main...she served her kids my salad-for-the-next-meal's ingredients.....(very difficult guest) and I had to communicate to her that if you want certain food of mine (or it can be someone elses!) you need to check with me because it might be what I plan to serve for the next meal, dessert, etc....

amother

↑ Freesia

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:18 am

Not trying to be mean at all, but I'm just wondering if anyone ever recognizes any of these "issues" themselves and think "I didn't realize that really bothered them".
All these PSA and vents, I would hope some people change.
Even for myself, as much as I try to be helpful, careful of messes etc.. I read these posts and think, maybe I should be more careful of xyz.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:19 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m 30. Why, do I sound immature?

Not immature at all but you absolutely need to learn to be assertive. To develop a thick skin is a good thing too Smile

And I say this because you don't deserve to be somebody's doormat.

↑ groovy1224 ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:26 am

amother OP wrote:

I would never feel comfortable embarrassing someone like that 🤷‍♀️

I know you said it's just a vent, and obviously it's up to you what to do or not do.

But just to respond to this point, because it's something I see a lot on here. You have someone in your life who doesn't care AT ALL about how they make you feel, how much work they put you through, and how much angst they cause you. And you don't want to be assertive to spare her feelings, which is sweet. But it means you are doing 100% of the caring in this dynamic.

I just want to empower you that you ABSOLUTELY have the right to articulate and enforce your boundaries. And if she feels embarrassed for a second? Well if she had acted like a mensch, neither of you would be in that situation in the first place.

These types of people get away with this behavior simply because people allow them to. I just hate seeing good people bulldozed.

Last edited by groovy1224 on Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:32 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 11:27 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Not immature at all but you absolutely need to learn to be assertive. To develop a thick skin is a good thing too Smile

And I say this because you don't deserve to be somebody's doormat.

Ive definitely become more assertive over the years! They used to come way more often. I put my foot down and now I invite them once in 6 months.