Vent- hate having Sil for Shabbos but have no choice

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 7:28 am

This is just a vent because I don’t think there’s anything to do about it (and maybe a psa if you act like this as a guest to stop)

Dh sister is a little self absorbed and also doesnt realize what is considered impolite. She isn’t snobby or mean but her behaviors really irk me. If it was up to me I’d never invite her for Shabbos but for the sake of shalom bayis we have her once in a while.

I can’t stand the way she acts in my house. I’m literally on edge the whole Shabbos. She goes through my fridge and freezer and takes whatever she wants without asking. I don’t care if you open my fridge, but if you see something interesting that you want at least ask! My son earned an ice cream bar and I stuck it in the back of the freezer behind something else and I come downstairs Shabbos morning and she’s sitting there eating it 🤦‍♀️

She also doesn’t clean up after her kids. They make a mess throughout the house and she never picks up after them. After the meals she leaves the high chair filthy. When they leave motzei Shabbos I have to go into their room and throw out the overflowing garbage can full of diapers and pick up food wrappers from the floor. I would never eat in someone else’s guest room and I always take out the trash when I leave especially diapers!!

And to top it all off, she makes comments about my parenting allll Shabbos and gives dumb unsolicited advice 😬

Her husband doesn’t seem to notice any of this and doesn’t bother to help with the kids.

After a Shabbos with them I need 2 Advils

amother

Freesia ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 7:35 am

I'll never understand people who just leave wrappers on the floor and eat in bedrooms. And don't take out garbages, especially if there are diapers in there.
Unless she has a serious mental illness.
I was taught as a young kid to clean up after myself.
As far as eating something, I would go into my sis in law fridge and eat, but if something looks "special" ( ice cream bar or expensive yogurt, fruit drink etc...) or if there is only 1 of it, I would definitely ask.
I think maybe you should ask your husband to say something, or try and bring it up in conversation.
And put up a sign in the bedroom about eating. As far as kids behavior, it's really really hard. Even as a single I found it hard not parent my siblings kids.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 7:49 am

amother Carnation wrote:

I would not have them over.
Or tell your husband that unless he has a talk with his sister you are never hosting them again.
Lay down ground rules.

Tried that already. I refused to have them over. After a few months Sil went and complained to her mother that I invite everyone else except for her ( I do invite other siblings because they are well mannered not like her at all). So mil calls dh and says whats wrong with your wife why does she hate “bracha”?? And when dh tried explaining it just caused a fight and made me look like the bad one. It wasn’t worth it. Yes his family dynamic isn’t so healthy. The other siblings are normal though.
So now it’s been over 6 months that they haven’t been here and dh keeps telling me it’s time to invite them again before sil and mil start nagging again 🙄

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 7:50 am

Chayalle wrote:

You need to communicate your expectations. I've found that communication is the key to having guests successfully.

I can’t. I’m a people pleaser and don’t have courage to tell her to her face “please clean up after your kids and please don’t take things without asking”
Would most people be able to say that straight out??

amother

Foxglove

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 7:51 am

amother OP wrote:

Personally I would feel awkward saying that, but I would be able to tell me MIL that they aren’t easy company- believe me - SHE KNOWS!!! She has them over too and everything you’re experiencing she is too

groovy1224 ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 7:52 am

Have you ever spoken up?

"Oh I wish you would have asked me before you took that, I was saving it."

"Hey before you go please help me clean up the toys, it's not fair for my kids to have to clean it all when it's not all their mess."

"Hey can one of you take out the trash on your way out?" It's pretty full?

amother

Ballota ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 7:53 am

Op I can relate. I have some family members that I sometimes need to have over for various reasons, and many of them are insensitive and rude as guests.

It bothers me so so much and makes me very angry and resentful. (Eating hidden food items, making a mess, watching me clean and not offering to help, unsolicited parenting advice, and more….)

What I would say to you is- let go of the guilt. Say no and let your in laws hate you. It’s their problem. You don’t need to suffer to make someone else happy.

And DH should be on your side.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 7:53 am

groovy1224 wrote:

I would never feel comfortable embarrassing someone like that 🤷‍♀️

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 7:55 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

My mil lets her daughter walk all over her. She makes the same mess in mil house and my mil never complains and just cleans up after them

amother

↑ Ballota ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 7:56 am

amother OP wrote:

It’s really hard to be assertive when the thing you’re trying to assert seems like common sense. I totally get it.

What happens to me is that I end up saying it once I’m already resentful and then it’s embarrassing. I would say this is an opportunity for you to take better care of yourself and stand up for your needs.

It’s more embarrassing for them to be doing what they’re doing… think to yourself that you’re simply caring for yourself and unattached yourself from their reaction.

It’s not easy, but it must be done. I have been struggling with this exact issue for a few months.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 8:00 am

amother OP wrote:

I would totally ask her to clean up after her kids. If she makes an issue I would tell her "sorry I don't have a maid".
Make sure you have a large enough garbage can in her room.
Attractive items in fridge please store with a neighbor for Shabbos.
You need to learn to be more assertive. How old are you?

amother

↑ Ballota ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 8:00 am

amother OP wrote:

I would never feel comfortable embarrassing someone like that 🤷‍♀️

Some things shouldn’t be said. I don’t agree that you should say “oh I was saving that…” that’s very childish. And it’s reactive. What you must be is PROACTIVE, and say what they can or can’t eat beforehand.

Over chag we had family over and it was extremely difficult dealing with all the rudeness. DH bought a box of pastries for me as a thank you for cooking and hosting. I put it on the highest shelf above the pantry behind some containers. Lo and behold, every day more and more was snuck from it… by the 3rd day it was finished and I hadn’t eaten any from it.

It was so bizarre. The box was left empty and obviously someone was sneaking it. I kept my mouth shut cuz I wasn’t sure who ate it and I wasn’t going to go around asking each person if they stole it…

But I decided to be proactive instead and told the kids “if anyone wants a snack or food outside of meal times, you need to ask permission. You can’t just go into the pantry and eat whatever you want.”