Vent- hate having Sil for Shabbos but have no choice

amother

Dustypink

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 1:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m 30. Why, do I sound immature?

I'm 50 and I would also never talk to a guest (or anyone) like that.
For those saying op needs to be more assertive, I highly doubt sil will smack herself on the forehead and go "oh ok I didn't realize it was wrong to leave diapers and wrappers all over the room, I never knew it wasn't ok to leave a mess after my kids and give unsolicited parenting advice. Thanks for letting me know, I'll become a whole different person now."

Sil has lived in society long enough to know all the above. How she acts is just part of her character at this point.

I say either don't invite anymore or if it's just twice a year and you can swallow it, just keep doing what you're doing and vent on here and then buy yourself a treat.

sarahmalka

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 2:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

I can’t. I’m a people pleaser and don’t have courage to tell her to her face “please clean up after your kids and please don’t take things without asking”
Would most people be able to say that straight out??

Yes you need to tell her straight out. Frame it in a nice way like how much it would help you and your family if she did XYZ. And also in the moment tell her "Hey SIL please clean up the highchair. Hey SIL before you leave please clear out the trash from the guest room. Hey SIL before shabbos naps, please you and your kids clean up the toys." You can do it with a smile on your face and it should pave the way for clear expectations and better visits.

itsokay

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 2:25 pm

Hi I want to chime in here as not great guest! I'm not as bad as what you're describing your SIL doing - I speak nicely and don't help myself to stuff I shouldn't. I leave my rooms decent enough, messy beds but no garbage. I'll also bring food. But it doesn't come easy to me to help serve, clear and clean up after my kids. I'm honestly just not good about it and I definitely feel guilt and shame around this. Anyways I want to say that I actually appreciate being given jobs! I don't want whoever is hosting me to feel resentful that I'm sitting on my tush while they're working hard! Especially more fun jobs like could you serve dessert or cut up a salad... Just a thought in case it's helpful for people having people like me

↑ Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 2:38 pm

amother Birch wrote:

Yesssss
I have a SIL like this too, except thankfully she doesn't leave actual garbage, but her kids make huge messes and she comments on literally everything that I do or have. It drives me crazy. They also overstay their welcome and will leave the kids to go for a walk or a "quick" errand when kids "are sleeping" (spoiler alert: they are not).

I tell her kids directly that they need to clean up (as in "everyone, it's time to clean up, Chani/Dovid/Shlomo come clean up the toys/books/snack") and at this point, my kids also tell her kids that they need to clean up. I realized at one point that my swallowing was harming my kids because they'd have more to clean up or their stuff would get wrecked, and they started resenting their cousins too.

After a few too many times of swallowing and taking the high road, I exploded at her, which I am not proud of, but it definitely helped me recognize that I need to be more assertive and stop bottling it all up. Plus, though she was mighty insulted, I think she realized that I am not in fact always thrilled to host them.

Has her behaviour improved since you exploded?

↑ groovy1224

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 2:45 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

No one needs her to become a whole different person. She just need to observe the rules of the road in OP's house. At home she can be the slob she truly is.

amother

Hosta

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 3:50 pm

Even if you give Sil a list of things clearly of what is expected in your house she probably won’t.
I have such. She will tell her kids but she doesn’t know. Well who’s responsible for the kids??? So they don’t clean the toys or take one out at a time then they just stay there???
If she doesn’t come down with them in the morning and watch them take yogurt and get it all over the place then it’s not her job to clean it up when she was told she needs to watch her kids???
Some ppl nothing will change besides not being invited back.
Because yes my kids were traumatized by them and didn’t even want them to come again so we made up before hand what was expected.

↑ ora_43 ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 3:53 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

OP describes her as self-absorbed and a bit clueless about social norms, but not mean. That sounds to me like exactly the kind of person who might be like "oh ok I didn't realize you didn't like that."

↑ ora_43

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 3:56 pm

I don't think it would fix the whole problem, it does sound like it goes deeper than just low cleaning standards. Who spends the whole day giving unsolicited advice? It sounds like she's always going to be at least a little annoying.

Still worth cluing her in to the very clear-cut and simple things she could be doing differently.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 4:00 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

I have relatives who have become easier for me to host with communication of my needs in order for me to host them. My belief in communication is based on the fact that it has in fact worked somewhat for me.

amother

Lightcoral

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 4:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is just a vent because I don’t think there’s anything to do about it (and maybe a psa if you act like this as a guest to stop)

Dh sister is a little self absorbed and also doesnt realize what is considered impolite. She isn’t snobby or mean but her behaviors really irk me. If it was up to me I’d never invite her for Shabbos but for the sake of shalom bayis we have her once in a while.

I can’t stand the way she acts in my house. I’m literally on edge the whole Shabbos. She goes through my fridge and freezer and takes whatever she wants without asking. I don’t care if you open my fridge, but if you see something interesting that you want at least ask! My son earned an ice cream bar and I stuck it in the back of the freezer behind something else and I come downstairs Shabbos morning and she’s sitting there eating it 🤦‍♀️

She also doesn’t clean up after her kids. They make a mess throughout the house and she never picks up after them. After the meals she leaves the high chair filthy. When they leave motzei Shabbos I have to go into their room and throw out the overflowing garbage can full of diapers and pick up food wrappers from the floor. I would never eat in someone else’s guest room and I always take out the trash when I leave especially diapers!!

And to top it all off, she makes comments about my parenting allll Shabbos and gives dumb unsolicited advice 😬

Her husband doesn’t seem to notice any of this and doesn’t bother to help with the kids.

After a Shabbos with them I need 2 Advils

Omg. Just what is wrong with some people 😐

2 advice plus a tub of ice cream maybe that would work...

amother

Nemesia

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 4:10 pm

Figure out which things are most important and easy to describe. For example, "clean up after your kids" is sometimes hard to do as a guest-I'm not sure which mess is from my kids, and I also don't want my adventurous kids to be making a mess elsewhere while I clean.
So asking the kids to join your kids in cleaning the joint messes. Ask SIL to help clean if her kids make an unusual mess (like opening your spices and spilling them everywhere). Ask her to clean the highchair tray. Tell her to ask before taking food, except for "X, Y, and Z, which are available in the fridge for anyone". Ask her to throw out diapers outside. Ask her if you want the garbage taken out. Saying, "don't comment on my parenting" is a little harder to ask for, because it's more like her personality, so you might not start with that. You just don't encourage it by responding.

Of course, you can just accept the situation, but you can try changing it before resorting to that.

amother

↑ Banana

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 5:03 pm

amother Turquoise wrote:

When I'm a guest I don't take out the garbage from my room. I didn't know I was supposed to.

(I make sure to take out diapers, and would never leave wrappers out or tissues on the floor. But I don't empty the garbage can)

Is this an expectation of guests? I never knew this.

Not for me. I have guests… some do, some don’t and I’m fine either way.

GetReal

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 5:45 pm

If your husband really wants to invite them, discuss with him beforehand how he’ll help you clean up after them.

And I would lose it at sil giving you parenting advice. Either answer ouch every time she does it, or say straight out, when I’m ready for a parenting consultation I’ll let you know.

amother

↑ White

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 6:32 pm

itsokay wrote:

Maybe take this is as a lesson and just take your own initiative and say how can I help? Stand up when they serve and ask. And just clean up after yourself and your kids.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 6:46 pm

amother Turquoise wrote:

If it’s diapers yes you should take it out. Regular garbage is fine to leave but still nice if you remove it.
I wouldn’t care if the only thing she did was not take out the garbage. But the garbage on the floor plus everything else I wrote …

amother

DarkGray

Mon, Nov 04 2024, 7:48 pm

Sounds like both you and your husband are scared of confrontation.

I'm just another vote for politely speaking and saying "please empty your garbage before you leave" and "can you please clean the playroom with your kids?" Etc...

The eating the treat isn't so bad. I would totally help myself to ice cream at my brother's house. But he and my sil would also tell me "hey, don't eat that treat. We are saving it for yankel."