You have too many kids, ma!

amother

↑ Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:35 pm

amother Firebrick wrote:

Yes on that day, they get away with it. Sometimes it's worth not getting into a power struggle.

What do you do if you proceed with your request and teen ignores you?

They don’t ignore me. Because I didn’t create this dynamic. I look them in the eye and repeat it calmly. Depending what it is I’ll say I expect it to get done in half an hour so finish your call or book and make sure it’s done by then. Or I’ll say you need to stop what you are doing and do this thing now. It’s just never been an option to refuse. Sometimes they will give me a reason they can’t and I’ll either work with it or say I still need you to do it. But we have talks often about how we need to have the dynamic of we help each other out, we care about each other, we are a unit etc..

But also my kids helping is built into our lives. They are responsible for their rooms and toys, they help with their laundry, they help with food prep.. they help with anything related to themselves. So once in a while if I ask them to help with a sibling or with something not related to them it’s not that terrible. I don’t have the dynamic of I’m the slave and you all just sit with your feet up while I serve you and make sure you have a perfect life.

amother

Puce ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

I know exactly what they are feeling. That life changed dramatically after the multiples were born. We used to do teen oriented trips and really fun family things together. I'm still trying to find my footing. I do most things without any help. But if I ask for very time limited help like take a toddler and buckle them into the car seat so I only have to do one its the end of the world.

The point is not that you know what they are feeling, it's that they know you are listening to them and tell them that you know how hard it has been.

amother

↑ Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:42 pm

amother Puce wrote:

The point is not that you know what they are feeling, it's that they know you are listening to them and tell them that you know how hard it has been.

They had a really privileged life, they need to majorly reframe. Now they are just living a regular one like everyone else. It’s not hard. That’s not what hard means.

amother

↑ Foxglove

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:46 pm

amother Denim wrote:

I would use this as an opportunity to get to the bottom of what they’re feeling. Talk to them and show them you really want to understand them. Once they feel heard and taken care of I’m sure they’ll want to help you as well.

Asking a teen to help for 20 minutes on a day they have off erev yom tov is not excessive or asking asking a lot

amother

Tealblue ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't enjoy your posts, banana. And I really think you're projecting your unhappy experience to this thread. I doubt you have teens ,yet, either. I keep on seeing the common tactic of passing the buck around with my teens. If one teen refuses to do it, the other one passed the buck as well. If (insert name ) isn't helping then why should I help, too?
So you would like to hear the truth? The truth is like I said in my original post I also have multiples. I usually dont ask for any help. But they were acting cuckoo I needed another big person in the room (I was there too!!!) to help me because I was worried someone was going to get hurt. All I asked was for a body on the couch. Yes, bring your phone or device. I didn't care. Just be present. And that was too much!!!

1)You are allowed to ask your teen for help. She is part of a family unit and while of course it is not her responsibility to do anything, she should definitely be pitching in.

2) aside from the above, there is no question about her needing to clean up after herself and clean up her room. I have teens and if they don't properly clean up after themselves, they're not allowed to use the kitchen other than to eat what I prepare for them and if they don't like it, too bad.

3) of course I ignore half the things my teenagers say to me, because I don't want to be fighting with them all the time, but I will definitely some point say to them that the way they spoke was extremely disrespectful. And I'll leave it at that.

If you need to, you might need to get your husband too back you up on all three points.

I didn't read through the whole thread but I am 100% sure that there are plenty of responses talking about how it's your responsibility to do everything and it's your fault that they are answering like that and I'm here to tell you as the mother of teenagers, that they are wrong and you are right.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:48 pm

amother Puce wrote:

The point is not that you know what they are feeling, it's that they know you are listening to them and tell them that you know how hard it has been.

I've had this conversation with them before. And while I can be empathetic , the bottom line is, this is the situation right now and I can't change it. I'm pulled in many different directions and I'm a person, too. Obviously I'm not saying that to my teens, but that's the reality. I recently sent my teens off to relatives for a weekend, spent a ton of money to get them there, they had a blast (I didn't go because it was too difficult for me with the littles. They knew about the invitation And I knew my teens would hold that against me if I didn't let them go). And the shabbos that the big one were out, the atmosphere was so much lighter. I keep on thinking my littles are so hard. But apparently the teenage angst is worse!

amother

Bluebell

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:52 pm

OP, I feel so much for you.

I have 3 kids, ages 6-15. Both of the oldest have both HFA + adhd.

I’m currently pregnant and doubting myself every single minute. I’m not showing yet and haven’t told the kids, because I’m literally dreading their reactions.

The big ones fight nonstop and never ever help (pathological demand avoidance is REAL, and they watch one another like hawks because each one feels the other is getting unfair treatment). They torment the youngest when they’re bored and all I can think is how dare I have gotten pregnant. I try not to let my intrusive thoughts daven for a miscarriage but I can’t help it some days, because I feel so so scared of adding a baby into this.

If I can’t be secure in my own decision to have a child, how on earth can my kids trust that I have it together? So obviously I’m at fault. Only perfectly functional and confident parents are allowed to have children, don’t you know.

The “have bitachon, every kid brings bracha” people will hate me for my weakness, and the “your first responsibility is to the children you have” people will call me irresponsible.

I completely broke down in heaving sobs on Yom Kippur in just overwhelm and self-loathing.

amother

↑ Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:54 pm

amother Tealblue wrote:

Excellent post. Sometimes I feel like it’s all teens answering. It’s just not a realistic life to think that it’s all on a mother. How can a very capable teen think her job is to have fun while her mother washes her clothing, makes her bed, cleans up the messes she made etc.. it’s kinda sad.

↑ mha3484 ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:54 pm

amother Puce wrote:

No, the change in their life since having multiples has been hard. A change like that for anyone is hard.

I agree that any drastic life change deserves empathy and validation but where is the limit to this? Because if we lean to much into the poor you its so hard we create a victim mentality that is very hard to get rid of and makes you a very unpleasant person to spend time with.

amother

↑ Puce ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:58 pm

mha3484 wrote:

Of course. Op needs to validate, but be firm that they have responsibilities around the house.

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:58 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

Teens, and all kids, should be pitching in to the household. No one is saying otherwise.
But it often happens that parents are so busy kh that inadvertently, the teens end up being put to the side. Not heard, feel ignored, not given attention only when they act out, and feel like their mothers only talk to them when they need something. I know it's hard, but it's important for us parents to try not to let our older kids fall to the side, and to give them the appropriate attention.

amother

↑ Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 1:02 pm

amother Banana wrote:

I don’t think that’s what’s happening in general. But the answer is always coddle your kids more and break yourself more. And you run out of the ability to be a good mother a lot faster this way.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 1:05 pm

From what you are describing this is a symptom of a larger situation.
Teens should help for their own good regardless if help is needed.
Your teens are feeling resentful of the family situation.
You are feeling overwhelmed which makes a lot of sense.
Where is your DH in this dynamic?
I would shelve dealing with this until after yom tov.
I would suggest taking your teens out one on one on a “date” and have a honest non judgmental discussion.
Let them be heard but also make sure you are heard.
If you feel like it would go better if it comes from DH have him do the date.

Good luck they grow up eventually