You have too many kids, ma!

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:07 am

amother Eggplant wrote:

Literally this thread. Focus on her feelings, she matters, blah blah. She asked her to sit on the couch with her device!!! Come on you would think she said scrub all the filthy toilets and unclog the toilet.

I don't believe that the daughters outburst was caused only by this.
Especially if a different child said that mom would always be stressed no matter how much they help.
A mother that's always stressed, puts the whole household on edge. You can feel it in the air.

amother

↑ Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:10 am

amother Banana wrote:

I don't believe that the daughters outburst was caused only by this.
Especially if a different child said that mom would always be stressed no matter how much they help.
A mother that's always stressed, put the whole household on edge. You can feel it in the air.

I believe it’s caused by the teens adding so much to the burden of the house. She should be focusing on her multiples. Instead she’s cleaning up after the teens who wrecked the house and don’t take care of any of their own needs. The issue is she doesn’t include them more in pulling their own weight. And if that doesn’t change asap it’s going to get a lot worse from here.

bigsis144 ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:11 am

amother Banana wrote:

I don't believe that the daughters outburst was caused only by this.
Especially if a different child said that mom would always be stressed no matter how much they help.
A mother that's always stressed, put the whole household on edge. You can feel it in the air.

Yes, adults need to be role models for emotional regulation, but don’t you see how simply slapping “don’t get stressed out” on top of “don’t ask for help” can start to feel like just another impossible standard for being a mother?

Big kids do require work from a parent, they don’t just become effort-neutral at a certain age.

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:14 am

bigsis144 wrote:

No where did I say that mother's should not ask for help!! Quite the opposite.
I just believe that there's a dynamic going on in the household that has caused 2 kids to make a comment along the same line. It may very well have happened inadvertently, and not on purpose, but it's there. Those comments don't come out of nowhere.

↑ bigsis144 ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:22 am

amother Banana wrote:

No where did I say that mother's should not ask for help!! Quite the opposite.

I agree with you that validating the teen’s experience is vital, and that their perception of the situation should be taken into account regarding division of labor in the household.

I just get stuck on where to go from there.

The problem-solving part gets so hard when teens go in with the expectation of “I shouldn’t have to do anything, and you should just get off my back about everything”.

If they are incapable of empathizing with the adult (and they’re still mostly kids, that makes sense as a lagging skill), then we get to the situation I described. Teens just becoming part of the labor and emotional load for mom.

amother

↑ Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:22 am

amother Banana wrote:

No where did I say that mother's should not ask for help!! Quite the opposite.

But you did judge and project your own childhood issues on her. You felt you did too much so therefore her teen must be right. But being that she doesn’t ask for difficult tasks it seems her kids are very spoiled and they are pushing back at no longer being spoiled. That’s a whole different issue. It’s not an issue of asking too much. Also you can get therapy to deal with your childhood feelings.

amother

↑ Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:26 am

amother Banana wrote:

But you are wrong about your assumptions. Firstly 2 means nothing kids parrot each other especially if it worked when the first one did. It proves absolutely nothing. Second of all the issue is because she did way you much and they are spoiled and are not adapting to the fact that they will no longer have that super privileged perfect life.

I feel like you aren’t reading the actual situation. She was upset to sit on the couch with her device, she wanted to sit where she wanted to sit, and she was upset she got to go to a really nice simcha but her mother stayed home instead of making the whole family stay home. This is not a case of working her kids too hard or neglecting the teens. It’s a case of really spoiled teens who want to continue being spoiled. And that needs to be fixed asap.

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:27 am

amother Eggplant wrote:

I am actually reading between the lines that there is more going on then what OP is sharing & she may not even realize it. Parents are often so overwhelmed & busy bh, that they don't even realize the dynamics in their own home. They're just running on automatic.
A teen will not tell her mother "you will always be stressed no matter how much we help", just because her mother asked her to do 1 thing. It must be coming from something bigger than that.

amother

↑ Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:29 am

amother Banana wrote:

Sometimes what we think is reading between the lines is just projection. Op posted enough for us to see it’s not the case. Yes it’s coming from being spoiled to just being a regular kid who is no longer extremely spoiled.

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:30 am

amother Eggplant wrote:

I am reading the actual situation and I am telling you that a teen doesn't tell her mom "you'll always be stressed....." just because their mom asked them to do something.

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:30 am

amother Eggplant wrote:

I disagree. Especially if the teen said that mom will be stressed regardless of how much they help her. This comment is coming from somewhere.

amother

↑ Tealblue

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:32 am

amother Banana wrote:

I believe it.

Teens feed off each other's comments. And repeat each other's grievances.
Teens are disrespectful. Very often.

amother

↑ Eggplant

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:32 am

amother Banana wrote:

I am reading the actual situation and I am telling you that a teen doesn't tell her mom "you'll always be stressed....." just because their mom asked them to do something.

Oh but they do. She knows it bothers her mother to say it so she does it for the negative reaction. Kids say the things that push our buttons. Most of the time the words they use to lash out have no real meaning, it’s just what bothers us most. And they are really good at pressing those buttons and hurting us. Doesn’t mean there is truth to it. In most cases there is no truth. If you want to successfully parent teens you cannot be so hung up on the word usage.

↑ bigsis144

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:35 am

amother Banana wrote:

I am reading the actual situation and I am telling you that a teen doesn't tell her mom "you'll always be stressed....." just because their mom asked them to do something.

Mom can listen to their input and realize that her stress is affecting the atmosphere of the home.

But her decision to look into anxiety medication/adhd strategies/finding time for self-care doesn’t have to be a prerequisite for asking for help.

Do you see what I mean?
Both things can be true at once - that mom should tackle how her stress is affecting her kids, AND that asking for some amount of help is okay.

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:38 am

Well while I've been stewing over their comments, one teen agreed to make challah and the other team is putting away groceries. Yesterday was just a bad day. Taking a deep breath and moving forward.

↑ mha3484

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:41 am

OP for the future, in a few weeks time when yomtov is over, I really suggest a conversation with them regarding personal responsibility. Cleaning their room, washing the dishes they use that kind of thing. I think if you can get them to make progress on that category it will go a long way towards not feeling like this again the next time your having a hard day.

amother

↑ Bone

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:44 am

amother OP wrote:

Well while I've been stewing over their comments, one teen agreed to make challah and the other team is putting away groceries. Yesterday was just a bad day. Taking a deep breath and moving forward.

Amazing. So glad.

It's possible that they may sometimes be good with helping with the household but not the toddlers. As much as that's where you might need the help, giving them the choice between the two may help quite a bit. Even sitting in a room may be too much if they just need to not be in a room with running shrieking toddlers. I have zero doubt that in an actual emergency, they would both step up. I have also seen some parents do a reward system for helping with kids.

amother

↑ Dahlia

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:47 am

amother Puce wrote:

I used to complain as a teen that I was the only child and all the responsibilities fell on me. Teens will complain. But in order to help them not feel resentful you have to validate their feelings, but tell them they have to have responsibilities in the home. That is part of being in a family regardless of how big.

Validation can really be the common denominator for both mum and child to get over a certain hurt. It’s really important for both to see each others perspective for healthy interaction (also will model healthy interaction for the future - her husband, professionally, etc )

amother

↑ Banana

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:49 am

bigsis144 wrote:

No where did I negate this.

amother

Stone

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:53 am

When my teen acts entitled and doesn't want to contribute to home and family life, I cut back on the shopping (ma I need this, ma I need that, order me this) and very calmly say that in order for me to do that I need to see more input to the family environment. Works like magic.