You have too many kids, ma!

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:34 am

That's what my teenager told me last night. I'm so angry teen said that. I asked teen for help and teen said no, it's not her problem that I have too many kids. Just for the record I don't have a lot of kids. I do have a set of multiples and I try very hard not to ask for help, even though I often do need help. This teen thinks she has the right to live in my house, not clean her own room, makes big kitchen messes and doesn't clean up after herself. I know I have to have a thick skin for all the teenage stuff, but this comment really has me seeing red.

amother

Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:38 am

As the oldest girl of a large family, I said it to my mother many times & I still stand by it. She has too many kids.
Your teen said it for a reason. Wether she means it literally or not, she didn't say it just because. There's something bothering her that made her say it.
Though she should 100% be cleaning up after herself & be responsible for keeping her room clean.

amother

Bone ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:40 am

I hear you. You're right, she's a teen being a teen. At the same time, there's a difference between her cleaning up after herself and doing things that need to be done for or because of other kids in the house.

I'm wondering if she is the oldest. As mothers, we dream of kids who are there for each other and for the family and have no major animosity toward their siblings, and likely that will come. But teens who have to do things because of the youngers often get resentful. And we have to keep our eyes open and figure out when to back off of it, that time or in general for awhile, even if it could be a reasonable request.

amother

Blushpink

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:40 am

amother Banana wrote:

As the oldest girl of a large family, I said it to my mother many times & I still stand by it. She has too many kids.
Your teen said it for a reason. Wether she means it literally or not, she didn't say it because. There's something bothering her that made her say it.
Though she should 100% be cleaning up after herself & be responsible for keeping her room clean.

Maybe you expressed your true feelings
buy it still is chutzpah!

mha3484 ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:41 am

I like to tell my teenager what my father told me. My house is not a hotel and I am not the maid. I think you should have an honest conversation with her that if you live here you help and it has nothing to do with how many kids you have. Its everyone's responsibility to pitch in. She has to clean up after herself. Childcare may not be her thing and that's fine but she should not treat you like the cleaning lady.

Also I find even if you want her to help with the kids there are lots of aspects. She may be fine with some and not the other. My 14 year old son is happy to help his brothers with their yomtov packets. He thinks the 3 year old is hilarious but he isn't interested in a trip to the park down the street or board games. You can have a collaborative conversation with her about what she is open to doing and what she is not.

Last edited by mha3484 on Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:45 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:45 am

You need to reframe it for her. She helps because she lives there. She contributes to the mess and the chaos of the house creating more chores. It has nothing to do with how many kids you have. You are not the slave and maid. And this is why I start my kids helping when they are toddlers. It’s just how it is we all pitch in. It’s very hard to get a teen to suddenly start helping when they were waited on hand and foot their whole life.

amother

Jean

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:45 am

Obviously this is her perception. You say you need a lot of help so how does your house seem? Does she get attention and her needs filled or is all your focus on the youngers? She Obviously should clean her own messes up and pitch in, but maybe she is feeling hurt and has a reason for saying what she did, even if it's a bit chutzpadik. As the oldest I often felt this way too and for good reason.

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:47 am

mha3484 wrote:

You're right, but sometimes parents of hectic households, don't realize how much falls on the kids & come to rely on the kids more than what's appropriate. Or they're so busy with the littles that the older kids are ignored or are only given attention when they act out.
We need to be in tune with our children and realize when it may be too much for them or if there's something going on. I believe that children resort to chutzpah when they don't feel seen or heard otherwise.

amother

Foxglove ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:51 am

amother Banana wrote:

You're right, but sometimes parents of hectic households, don't realize how much falls on the kids & come to rely on the kids more than what's appropriate.
We need to be in tune with our children and realize when it may be too much for them or if there's something going on. I believe that children resort to chutzpah when they don't feel seen or heard otherwise.
In OP's case, she can tell her daughter that she's willing to listen when she has something to say to her, but she needs to talk to her parents with respect.

And sometimes teens with one other sibling and full time cleaning help will tell their mother that they over worker and lash out and say no when asked to pick up their own laundry from the floor.

Just cause a teen acts out does not correlate to being given too much responsibility Not everything is logical…my teen kids say things all the time that don’t match the situation. They can be very dramatic. It’s part of being teens. (“I have no clothes the wear, everyone has xyz, etc”)

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:53 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

I believe that when teens act out, it's generally a cry for attention, a cry to be seen or heard because they feel misunderstood, ignored, or frustrated.

amother

↑ Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:55 am

amother Banana wrote:

As a kid that was actually parentified I don’t agree that it happens all that much. I look at the homes of the teens whining, nieces, neighbors etc.. and it’s a joke. If they are asked to do one tiny thing they go crazy about being overworked and it’s not their job and blah blah. Kids today just want to do nothing. Kids today use chutzpah as a way to get their way. Not because the poor kids who are catered to all day are not listened to enough. Curious how old your oldest is?

amother

↑ Foxglove ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:57 am

amother Banana wrote:

I believe that when teens act out, it's generally a cry for attention, a cry to be seen or heard because they feel misunderstood or ignored.

Or sometimes it’s pushback showing as they are growing up and learning to be independent and resenting that they still have to do things as part of a household and pushing back and testing the limits of their adulthood.

My teens and I have an amazing relationship. I have 4 now and I’m enjoying it immensely. But they are dramatic and learning along the way. It’s part of growing up snd learning about life.

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:57 am

amother Eggplant wrote:

I have teens bh. They all pitch in in appropriate ways & we try very hard to make them feel heard & understood.
I actually do see around me so many kids that carry too much responsibility for their age.

↑ mha3484 ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:57 am

I agree that behavior is communication but its not an excuse to lay down and take it. It makes our teens bratty and entitled adults. We need to communicate with them, teach them how to do the tasks we want them to do and set expectations that they will do it. I find myself thinking a lot about what kind of adult do I want my kid to be and then how can I get there starting now.

amother

Dustypink

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:58 am

The mess in her room, well let her live in filth. Don't enter. Don't clean it for her.
And Don't take her comment so seriously.

My niece told my sister multiple times that she should have stopped having kids after 1. After her..... she now an adult (and a mother of 2. Ha!) I wonder what she would say now if she was reminded of that.
My sister took that comment very personally. It was the only thing she took personally from the whole saga. It hurt her
She was the oldest, she had severe anxiety issues. She was an entitled teen. She was messy and loud.
I saw my sister bust her @ss for her.
She paid money she didn't have for her mental health and the kid refused to cooperate. She'd keep her up until 11 pm needing her. Then wake her up at 2 am with panic attacks until 5 6 or 7 am on most nights. She resented her siblings.
This one kid was harder for my sister than the other 8 all together. And she also had 2 other kids on the spectrum.

It was complete utter insanity.

But she pushed thru. And came thru the other side eventually. She let herself be helped. She got her anxiety under control without medication (The kid refused meds) to the point that she got married at 19 and is living her best life now with her 2 adorable kids. (Did I mention she didn't stop at 1. Ha ha ha!)

And she now as an adult is trying to build relationships with her siblings.

Things to get better. Teens are in their own confusion and head. Don't take it to heart.

My 11 year old once said a similar comment to me. But I've learned from watching a lot of teens, it's just things they say in the moment. Once they are older and out if their head and out of their stirfry of hormones and confusion, they appreciate their siblings and generally do not want to be an only child.

And if, as an adult they still feel the same, they get to choose to have less.....