When the sister is the bully

amother

↑ Chestnut ↓

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 3:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

She understood that she was being mean and hurting her sister and that bullying her isn't helping anything but shes just so embarrassed, she says these things either out of frustration from her sister or because she wants to show that she isn't associated with her, that she also thinks the younger sister is weird.

Consequences were computer related or needing to be away from others related.

This sounds like it's happening in front of other people? Do they go to the same school and does she bully her in school? Is she embarrassed of her even at home or only in public?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 4:08 pm

amother Chestnut wrote:

This sounds like it's happening in front of other people? Do they go to the same school and does she bully her in school? Is she embarrassed of her even at home or only in public?

Yes they go to the same school. It's happening at home too. Her younger sister really triggers her.

amother

↑ Chestnut ↓

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 4:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes they go to the same school. It's happening at home too. Her younger sister really triggers her.

If you switch one to a different school it should completely solve half the problem. And she'll probably be nicer to her at home too once she's not embarrassed by her at school. I'd guess it will solve around 70% of the problem at the very minimum.

miami85

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 5:34 pm

I have something similar with my sons--except the "Weaker" one is the older one. He's not ASD, but has some significant developmental issues that make him "odd" at times, but he is the strongest worker I know to overcome his challenges. My younger son is very bright and geschickt and sometimes would bully his older brother, other times they get along well. Bullying is often "making myself big when I really feel small" I think that the bullying comes from a sense of embarrassment/inadequacy when my younger son doesn't fully appreciate all that his elder brother has had to overcome to be where he is today. It's not really to truly hurt the sibling but to prop herself up. Perhaps some going to detail about the challenges the younger sibling goes through and that the quirks that she may display are not in her control and are ways to help her compensate for some of the parts of her that don't work the way it does for typical people.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 6:28 pm

miami85 wrote:

We were advised to explain the sisters struggles and where they come from to help the older sister understand and be more compassionate and understanding.
Literally backfired big time- now she calls her names using her diagnosis and calls out each struggle and symptom when she teases her.

I read all these articles and stories about how patient and kind siblings of special needs kids are. How they have such beautiful middos having grown up with a special needs sibling. Not in this house. Having special needs siblings have brought out the worst in this child. She doesn't protect her siblings or stand up for them, on the contrary.

amother

Brown

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 7:07 pm

I don't know if anyone's mentioned this, and I know it's a super unpopular opinion here on imamother, plus also it might not be the type of advice you're looking for, but, many kids with behavioral issues like your older daughter have physiological reasons inside their body that make them behave that way, and addressing those things on a body level can make the behaviors go away. Things like chronic infections, brain inflammation, food sensitivities, gut issues, parasites, and so on. Body based interventions can look like treat these things, and can help tremendously with the bullying behavior which is really a symptom of whatevers going on in her body.