My DS is going to make me lose it

amother

↑ Offwhite

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:52 am

amother OP wrote:

My husband is staying calm, but he's getting annoyed at him, and I told my son that if he keeps this up, then the driving option will go away until he's able to do it on his own at 18. He's refusing all logic right now.

I could (maybe if I'll be strong enough), to be kind to him (right now I'm really annoyed at him) and if he brings up the topic just walk away (I've told him before I will).
BUT, I'm worried about him and his not knowing how to blow off steam. He's going bonkers.

I hope I'm wrong. This has turned in to a,power struggle and battle of wills. I don't know if said son will make it until 18.my hypothesis is he will purchase it without your knowledge or permission and keep it else where.
Slippery slope
I hope I'm wrong.

amother

Bottlebrush

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:54 am

Sounds like typical teenager behavior.
I have this with my 14.5 yr old son.
The texting he wants now because all the boys in his Class have and they leave him out of activities because that would mean calling him. God forbid someone call him.
And the going out to eat lunch and dinner in school when the school provided meals. And the vaping.
I don't have an answer. I don't know what's going on in the world that parents are so lenient with the boys and they enable and endorse these unhealthy and unsafe activities. I feel terrible for my son and the fact he has to deal with these things at such a young age.
Yet I won't change where I stand. And I give in to small things when I can and give extra attention when I'm able. (went to his yeshiva one day lunch time and took him out for lunch instead of him sitting there himself. Didn't solve the problem. But I'm really just here in these hard times for him)

Hashem gave him you as a mother. You are the best mother for him. What you say matters. Doesn't matter what everyone is doing. Yet it's important to sit with his feelings and not push them aside as they are not important. They are important. And you don't need to give in.

Sending lots of strength to handle these hard situations. Hashem should give you clarity and the ability to stay strong and loving. And not snap.

↑ Chayalle

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:58 am

I'm going to say this very carefully. It's hard to tell from this particular thread (we only hear OP's POV really) how intense this really is, but when she mentioned that every single boy in his class does have one besides for her son....it made me think of this.
Sometimes we make a particular topic into a hill to die on. It may be because of safety, Hashkafa, etc....and really valid reasons. Coming from good parenting. But we have to be careful. We can lose a relationship in that process. And relationships is what keep our teens where we want them to be. So it can be a tough place, and we have to evaluate (sometimes with a Rabbi, Chinuch professional, or other professional) whether our very valid boundary is worth moving a little bit.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 2:21 pm

Lots of food for thought. Thank you all for your replies.

The bike we had bought is in the garage for whoever asked.

My relationship with him is incredibly important and I have worked on it since the days he's born. BH it was excellent. He shared with me a lot. Things that I'm pretty sure no son would share with their mother, but it helped him and I'm happy that I had that opportunity even if it was uncomfortable for me.

You have to know my son to understand. He's a really good kid. But also incredibly lazy. So to the person that said, well after 5 hours ask him if this was worth it, or is there something you could have done, he's fine doing nothing for 5 hours, so he'll say yes.

He gets 100's with 0 effort. He admitted that he works about 20 minutes per week at yeshiva. And he's there a zillion hours.

On Friday I told him I love him, but I don't want to hear another word about an ebike. He knew I hadn't slept much on Thur night because of him. And I took him driving on Friday before I told him. He's been okay since.

Though he does seem unhappy in general, but not just now or last few months. But he's generally very closed, and I'm not sure how to get him to talk to someone. I don't care if it's me, my husband, a therapist, someone in Yeshiva he looks up to etc

In our conversation I said that sir, I hear that this is an issue, but honestly bh you have an excellent life, and sometimes, in life we will face challenges that we don't like, but if we don't, how would we learn how to deal with them? What happens if the first challenge you face is at 25 because someone always swooped in to rescue you. He replied that he has problems, but he refused to open up when I told him I care and want to hear him out. He said talking won't help. I said sometimes even if the problem doesn't have a solution not holding it in, and being the only one holding the burden helps, but he's super stubborn and didn't say anything. (Look it could be something that's embarrassing or whatever, I don't know)

He's also very inconsistent. He "hates" my husband cause he's so strict. Yet any time his car isn't in the driveway he's hysterical and pouting why he's not here. And that night when he was hysterical (husband was asleep) he's like I don't care if he dies. The next day he's trying to hang out with him as much as he could.

I don't know. I'm not a therapist. I'm just a mother trying to do her best. And I know he does have friends, and he does go out to eat with them once a week at least. And I think it's okay for me to say no to something that's super dangerous.

And to the person that said that I'm not responsible for happiness, correct. And to the person (same one I think) who said I'm not letting him make decisions, um what? Do whatever you want child, except I'm allowed to set boundaries about smoking and an ebike. And in my circles most parents aren't offering their kids movies. Whoever is watching got them themselves. What decisions am I making for him?

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 7:27 am

I don’t think so. Had we bought him one for regular use there are ones with wide tires etc. this was bought based on availability to get here in time for that bein hazmanim and I think it’s as appealing to him as his electric scooter. I’m about to use wrong trim apology but it’s a step through and that’s a very big no no. apparently. I never heard him ask me if he can use it. So I guess him wanting a bike isn’t only about independence and getting places. Coolness is playing a huge role here
And you’re making assumptions about this garage. It’s so full of stuff and tremendous. No one can see anything in there. But don’t judge me. My stuff like Costco etc is neat.