Do your preteens have a bedtime?

mha3484

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 10:38 am

When my oldest was 10 we switched from bed time to be in your room time. It was 9 or 9:30 if I remember correctly. You can read, draw a picture, stare at your ceiling I don't care but I am off duty. I cant make you go to sleep but I am not entertaining you either. By 5th grade so turning 11 he went to learn at night and didn't get home until 8:30 or 9 depending on how much he socialized.

ETA I also had a rule that I don't write late notes. So if you read too much and cant get up thats between you and your rebbe. I found this was a great way to introduce self management to my son.

Last edited by mha3484 on Fri, Sep 06 2024, 10:46 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Forestgreen

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 10:40 am

giftedmom wrote:

lol to all the perfect parents out here. My pre-teen is in bed by 11 if I’m lucky but most nights it’s closer to 12. I encourage but don’t force.

I’m telling myself that the thread title is self selecting and that only mothers whose kids go to bed at their assigned bedtime are opening it. Because otherwise this is just not believable.

My 9 year old does go to sleep when I tell her. So of course some kids do. But there’s no way it’s across the board.

↑ giftedmom ↓

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 10:46 am

amother Forestgreen wrote:

Big difference between 9 and 11

amother

↑ Smokey

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 11:20 am

mommyhood wrote:

At 10 my kids have a bedtime but by 12/13 they don’t. I really don’t know anyone who’s kids that age are in bed before 11 so for that age I agree with your kids. My kids are pretty good in the morning so it works for us.
I go to bed before my kids every night. If I waited up for them I would be exhausted.

What time do kids where you live wake up? My kids have to be up at 630. Going to sleep after 11 would definitely not be enough sleep at 12/13.

amother

Indigo ↓

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 12:51 pm

Ages 10 and 13 are very different, and each child is different too.

At 10 they all still have a bedtime. Probably 8:30 or so.

My current 12 year old is supposed to aim for a 9:30 bedtime. Often ends up being closer to 10, and I don't make a big deal about it. I know some of his friends stay up later, but he wakes up at 6:30 (without an alarm) every day, and sometimes earlier.

My current 14 year old hasn't had a bedtime for a couple of years. If I notice it's getting late and he hasn't showered yet (as I'm getting ready for bed, say at 10:30 or so), I nudge him and he goes right away. He's responsible and knows it's important to get ready on time, so if he stays up late one night I don't make a big deal about it, he's usually in by 10:30 on his own, but sometimes does stay up later and realizes he's tired the next morning and says "Yeah, not going to do that again."

My current 16 year was NOT like that at 14 and had a 10:30 "bedtime" because otherwise he'd be up past us and go to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. We didn't call it a bedtime, we just called it "a healthy time to go to sleep" or whatever. He was 15 or so when we spoke with him about setting his own bedtime and seeing if he could stick to it, he decided on 11 pm and became responsible about it. Now he's 16 and we don't monitor anymore, he is generally asleep at 11 pm when at home.

Every kid is different.

amother

↑ Junglegreen

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 12:55 pm

giftedmom wrote:

lol to all the perfect parents out here. My pre-teen is in bed by 11 if I’m lucky but most nights it’s closer to 12. I encourage but don’t force.

Why the need for this? You don’t make it a rule therefore your kid treats it as a suggestion. If you wanted to be on top of it you can. Nothing to do with perfect.

↑ oohlala ↓

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 3:25 pm

amother Forestgreen wrote:

Why is it not believable that many families prioritize sleep for children? Am I missing something?

amother

↑ Clear

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 3:27 pm

oohlala wrote:

10 year old bedtime is 8-8:30 and 12 year old bedtime is 9-9:30. There are no teenagers in the house so it’s not hard to enforce. I’ve always been structured about sleep. My children do not function optimally without sufficient sleep. And neither do I Smile

My 5 year old goes to sleep at 8, I cannot imagine a 10 year old being okay with going to sleep at 8 -8:30. Especially not during the summer when all kids are outside at least till 9:30.

amother

↑ Indigo ↓

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 3:42 pm

amother Clear wrote:

My 5 year old goes to sleep at 8, I cannot imagine a 10 year old being okay with going to sleep at 8 -8:30. Especially not during the summer when all kids are outside at least till 9:30.

We made exceptions as necessary in the summertime. They viewed it as a huge privilege. The kids were not outside playing every day until 9:30. When there was a game on the block going on with the kids their age, I'd generally let them stay up for it. But those are exceptions, not the rule. If I lived on the block where all the kids were outside playing until late, I'd probably need to be even more flexible. But I don't, and I think my kids benefit from it.

Also, maariv is late in the summertime, so my boys' bedtimes needed to be a bit later just because of that (the ones old enough to go to three minyanim a day, usually from age 11/12 and up). They shower before maariv, come home, get ready for bed, and go to sleep.

amother

NeonBlue

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 3:51 pm

My children all have a bedtime until they're in high school. Then they have so much going on that I can't tell them to go to bed. I can only encourage them to have sechel and not stay up too late. I also don't police reading once they're in bed. I spent enough time sneak reading books as a child that I know there's no point.

Bedtime for preteens is negotiable. If they ask for a later bedtime for a good reason then they have to prove they can get up on time in the mornings on their own. It's good practice for going into high school.

amother

↑ Indigo

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 4:04 pm

amother Forestgreen wrote:

I mean, there are kids who don't listen to their parents about a lot of things. Most kids push back against rules, not just bedtime-related ones. As a mother, I try to find a balance between holding the line and having some flexibility.

So if my preteen is ready for bed, at the normal time he goes to sleep, and he has something he wants to talk to me about, I'm happy to push off bedtime for a little while in order to give him that one-on-one time. Not every day, but sometimes. If I see it's becoming a habit, or he's very tired the next morning, I'll talk to him about that and discuss how we can still have time to talk without going to sleep too late.

Same thing if my younger child wants a cookie. Or doesn't want to take a bath. There are times we skip a bath on a night that we would usually give them one. And there are times that I'll give them a cookie "just because" even though it's not their normal snack time. But if I see that they're constantly asking for cookies, or it's making them not eat dinner...or if I notice that they're really dirty, or that skipping a bath makes them not sleep well, or whatever...I'll stick to the rule.

In our house, we notice a very big different when kids go to sleep late more than one night in a row. Two of my preteens/teens have ADHD, which gets set off really badly when they're overtired. They're all able to learn better, behave better at home and in school, have a better morning...so it's very worth it to me to stick to this rule. The ADHD also makes it harder to get them to bed on time, so I understand why some parents might not push it. But B"H for us it's worked well.

Hashem_Yaazor

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 4:42 pm

My almost 11 yo who has to leave for school at 7:25 is never in bed before 10, that's when I start nudging him. He probably gets into bed at 10:30 but is reading then.
If he's asleep 11-7 that's 8 hours which I guess is enough for him since he wakes up very alert and on time and isn't grumpy or falling apart during the day....
Not everyone's sleep needs are the same, somehow my kids don't seem to need the traditional schedule for better or worse.

(Till they're teenagers...)

amother

↑ Cadetblue

Sat, Sep 07 2024, 2:16 pm

amother Clear wrote:

She has to be in her room by 8 with lights out? Why??? What time does she have to get up?

This dd age 11 needs a lot of sleep. She has ADHD and not sleeping makes it harder for her in school. She also has some issues with her motor skills and tires easily without enough sleep. Puberty also seems to make her more tird. It also can take her a while to fall asleep because of her ADHD, having her go to bed later doesn't make her go to sleep faster, it just makes her fall asleep even later. But we allow her to read with a small light after 8 (when I say lights out, I mean the overhead light), until she is feeling more sleepy and goes to sleep. She doesn't complain about the early bedtime.

And to the poster who said the following (though it wasn't to me, but to another mother whose 10-11 y/o goes to bed at 8 pm):

amother Clear wrote:

My 5 year old goes to sleep at 8, I cannot imagine a 10 year old being okay with going to sleep at 8 -8:30. Especially not during the summer when all kids are outside at least till 9:30.

We live in the middle of a city. The kids don't really play outside in the evening or play on the block (there isn't much place to do so). Also it is dark long before 9:30. So she never felt left out. And our summer schedule is more or less the same as our school year schedule, dh and I work full time and so the kids have camp in the morning, so they still need their sleep on time (though we are more flexible sometimes in the summer).