Daughter taken advantage

ohmygosh

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 7:27 am

bestme wrote:

I don't want to confront this mother. Last year I reached out to the school and it didn't help. The teaches made them partners for a project after I explained the problem to the teacher and principal. I really don't want to hurt this girl but I need to help my daughter. What can I do?

As a mother, is is your JOB to confront the mother and stop this relationship. It is VERY very unhealthy and will do no good for anyone. This child needs professional psychological help besides for academic help. Your daughter needs to stop helping her completely. It will go nowhere good. Stop it now before your daughter has long term psychological damage from this girl's manipulative ways.

little neshamala ↓

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 8:33 am

OP if youre uncomfortable confronting the mother, reframe it in your head. Youre not "confronting" her. Youre asking her for her help.
Tell her you feel so bad, your daughter loves helping hers, and she feels terrible even thinking of stopping, but youve noticed that your daughter is cracking under the pressure, the strain is too much for her, and youre seriously concerned about both her physical and her emotional wellbeing. You need her help to make this easier for both girls-can she please arrange for someone else to tutor her daughter so that yours can have a break and focus on her own grades and have her own chill time? Only because youre "seriously worried about your daughter"-exagerrate if necessary so the mother ends up feeling sympathy towards your daughter and doesnt get defensive. Reiterate that your daughter truly loves helping hers, and wishes she could continue, but she is showing warning signs and she needs a break.

However way you put it, you gotta do it. Its often very difficult for highschool aged kids to set hard limits in such tricky relationships, and this girl sounds like a master manipulator.

↑ married123

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 8:39 am

little neshamala wrote:

Don’t do this. Once you explain you’re leaving room for her to pressure you. Just say it doesn’t work for my daughter and that’s it. No explanation needed

↑ little neshamala ↓

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 8:58 am

married123 wrote:

Don’t do this. Once you explain you’re leaving room for her to pressure you. Just say it doesn’t work for my daughter and that’s it. No explanation needed

If the mother is manipulative and unreasonable then I agree. But if shes the type to understand and feel bad, it can help to say it this way if this will help the OP speak to her at all.

Chayalle

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 9:21 am

OP, your daughter needs to learn to set boundaries. I always tell my girls that if they want to be able to be able to do Chessed, they must set boundaries, and then they'll be able to do Chessed. Without boundaries, you end up doing LESS because you get burnout. (This is not my own idea. Our Rav told us this in a certain situation years ago, and it's GOLD and the absolute truth.)
See what's happening here - she wants to help this girl, but without setting boundaries, she can end up not helping her at all because it's completely taking her over. If she could set boundaries firmly, she would be able to keep the relationship and help her at a rate that is normal and healthy for both of them.
It starts with determining how much you can do and then STICKING TO THAT despite pressure.
I have a relative who is not an easy person to host. If it were up to her she would move into my home for every Shabbos and YT of the year. Some years ago I decided how frequently I would invite her, and every year I invite her for that frequency. I would venture to say I have one of the best functioning relationships with her in my family because I set boundaries and I feel no pressure to do more than that, because I know what I can do and that's it.
Please talk to your daughter and work with her on this.
And absolutely insist to the school that your daughter cannot be partnered with this girl on a school project for any more times than the rest of the class. Do not allow them to make your daughter the go-to buddy here. They must know that your daughter is also a young lady with needs - social and emotional - just like everyone else.

mommyla

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 9:28 am

little neshamala wrote:

I disagree, this paints OP’s daughter in an unfairly bad light and gives the other girl the chance to manipulate the situation to reflect well on herself and/or to smear OP’s daughter (“oh, Rivka is so weak/anxious/prone to stress, she can’t handle the pressure, she has emotional issues” etc.)

That’s not a good look for OP’s daughter.

Like others said, OP needs to be the bad guy.

hello45

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 9:34 am

mommyla wrote:

Agreed 100%

scintilla

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 9:48 am

MyUsername wrote:

Inform everyone. Not as a discussion. Best if in writing.
Inform the teacher.
Inform the principal.
Inform the school guidance counselor or grade advisor.
Inform the mother.
Inform the girl.
Let them all know in writing (trxt message, email, an actual written letter) that you and your husband no longer allow your daughter to help due to private family considerations and it is unfortuantley not able to be shared in discussion.
Be the bad guy, this was your decision, so the girl and school and teachers don't take it out on your daughter. And tell your daughter if asked she should say no, and if pushed, to just say that her parents don't let it and to go do something else.

This this this.

↑ little neshamala

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 10:09 am

mommyla wrote:

Youre right.
This makes sense.
OP, I think you just gotta bite the bullet and do it, like others are saying.

DiNA2

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 11:09 am

Not that the other girl is a priority, but she's also not getting the right care/interventions. As someone else pointed out, she needs professional psychological help and more intensive and professional academic support than any high school student can provide. This needs to completely end now, for both your daughter's sake and the other girl's sake. Not intervening in a definitive way out of concern that you might hurt the girl can cause more hurt to her in both the short and long run, along with hurting your daughter.