Daughter taken advantage

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bestme ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 11:07 pm

My high school daughter has a classmate that needs help academically. She is not on the class level in all subjects. This classmate told my daughter that her mother offered her a tutor but she declined saying that she prefers that my daughter teach her after school what she doesn't understand. I think that it's very beneficial for both girls if my daughter helps this girl sometimes, like once a week. However, this girl wants my daughter's help every day, for all subjects. It definitely effects my daughter negatively mentally, socially and academically. For example when this girl gets a bad mark, she blames my daughter that she didn't teach her well. My daughter cannot study for herself as much as she needs to since she needs to spend time explaining the basics to this girl. My daughter can't spend time with other girls since this girl wants all of my daughter time. This girl gets hysterical if she finds out that my daughter spent time with other girls. Any idea?

theoneandonly

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 11:15 pm

Speak to the other girl's mother and tell her your daughter will no longer be helping her daughter. Speak to the school and tell them the same.
I don't think your daughter should even be helping her once a week.

gilamom

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 11:17 pm

I'm non confrontational so I wouldn't want to say something to the mother directly but I would say something to a teacher so the teacher could call the other mother and be the one to say that her child needs someone more professional than a classmate. Good for your DD for coming to you for help and realizing she can't do this on her own, my DD went through something similar with a classmate leaning on her like this and didn't want to complain so everyone assumed she was okay always helping out. Then came the summer and the other girls mother asked for our girls to work together so my DD could continue to help her out, she was so upset. Please help your DD and do something before her helping just becomes the norm and the other girl and her mother come to expect it.

gr82no

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 11:18 pm

Very unhealthy relationship. Stop all help immediately

↑ bestme ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 11:24 pm

I don't want to confront this mother. Last year I reached out to the school and it didn't help. The teaches made them partners for a project after I explained the problem to the teacher and principal. I really don't want to hurt this girl but I need to help my daughter. What can I do?

thanks

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 11:25 pm

Your daughter is in high school. She's old enough that you can teach her to say NO. The other girl and her parents will figure out a different solution. No need to call a teacher or the other girls parents. Your responsibility is to empower your own daughter with the tools she needs so she is not taken advantage of.

LittleDucky

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 11:39 pm

Sorry you don't want to confront this mother but you need to talk to her directly. You are your daughters mother and you need to protect her.
Explain that it isn't good for your daughter.
Tell her she needs to hire a tutor and to not have her daughter rely on yours.
Sorry but it just won't work.
Rinse, wash, repeat as necessary.

simcha12plus

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 11:50 pm

speak up!! even if your daughter is in high school and should be able to speak up for herself. She needs support from yoh to know that it is 100% OK to back out of this relationship.
In two years from now, you don’t want your daughter to look back at her high school experience and all she will remember is how hard she has to work for someone ELSE’S life! She deserves to live her OWN high school experience. the parents need to get involved. Your daughter can either tell the girl directly or you can tell the parents.
keep it short and simple.
this is no longer working for us.
no excuses, no reasons.
it’s just not working for us.

you do not have to tell the parent what to do for their daughter. They can figure it out. you have to tell the parents what you are doing with YOUR daughter.
my daughter is not going to be able to study with your daughter.
if they ask why? you repeat, my daughter is not going to be able to.
why?
it’s just not something she can do right now.
why? because.
over and over.
and don’t be afraid of the anger.
be more afraid of your child’s negative experience. that’s where your loyalties need to be. with YOUR daughter.

↑ bestme ↓

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 12:14 am

Is there someone in real life that I could speak to about how to deal with this problem without hurting this girl. I really don't want to hurt this girl but I need to protect my daughter. I am also upset that the school encourages it because it helps this girl.

Molly Weasley

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 12:20 am

it might be best to avoid conversing with this girl's mother. Your description suggests she struggles socially, and her decisions seem questionable.

Instead, perhaps tell your daughter to set boundaries on her own (with your help?), and teach her to be firm about whatever she decides.

pnimi

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 12:33 am

You need to either teach your daughter to confront her friend that she can no longer help her consistently with schoolwork (not even once a week) or you need to confront the mother, eventhough it is uncomfortable.

Write a script so you can have a conversation that won't be putting her down but will still be clear that the tutoring cannot continue.

Please don't push it off.

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Fri, Sep 06 2024, 1:02 am

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champion

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 1:43 am

Your daughter should say no.
I wont be able to study with you for this test.
I have other plans for this shabbos.
I wont be coming over this week.
I cant help you with homework anymore.
Im studying with somebody else this time.
I dont see why this is an issue.
Normal kids dont always stick to the same study buddy. Rinse and repeat until the other girl gets the memo.
Helping is great but nobody gets to own the rights to your daughter.

abound

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 3:51 am

empower your daughter to stand up for herself.

married123 ↓

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 4:25 am

The “I don’t want to hurt the other girl” is hurting your own daughter and your daughter needs to be a priority! You need to make that clear to her and teach her to stand up for herself.

shirachadasha

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 4:47 am

This girl is
1. Desperate in an extreme way
2. Manipulative

You need to take a more assertive role to protect your daughter.

ora_43 ↓

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 4:54 am

Quote:

I don't want to confront this mother. Last year I reached out to the school and it didn't help.

Quote:

Is there someone in real life that I could speak to about how to deal with this problem without hurting this girl. I really don't want to hurt this girl but I need to protect my daughter.

I'm sorry OP, I don't mean to be mean, but your mindset here is way off and it's hurting your daughter.

You can't make your boundaries contingent on the other person's feelings. "I won't let her monopolize all of my time and attention... unless she's going to get upset otherwise" is a recipe for falling prey to whichever pushy, needy, or abusive person you encounter first.

Likewise, you can't decide that you're going to stand up for yourself/your daughter - but without being pushy or confronting anyone. Pushy or abusive people aren't going to let you just quietly fade away.

It's frankly kind of worrying that your daughter is in this situation in the first place, and I wonder if maybe part of the problem is that she's internalized this same message, "I'm allowed to have needs only to the extent that it doesn't bother anyone". Yes, most teenage girls aren't great at sticking up for themselves, but to get to a point where she's giving up her own studies and her friendships, all in the name of not upsetting a girl who is very easily upset? A girl who she sees as a classmate, not a friend, and who regularly berates her?? Where did she learn to tiptoe around mentally unstable people like that? Why is she so willing to put her own needs in last place?

Please please please teach your daughter that she's allowed to put herself first. Please show her that you're willing to confront people on her behalf, because it's OK to make other people uncomfortable if the alternative is to let them keep victimizing you.

Your dd needs to make a clean break with this girl. "My grades are dropping, so I need more time to study. I won't be able to help you with schoolwork anymore." Let her make you the mean one if she has to: "Sorry, my mom doesn't let."

You need to reach out to this other girl's mom. It doesn't have to be a big confrontation. "I know the girls have been studying together, but unfortunately dd isn't going to have time for that this year. I'm just letting you know because I think (her dd) might be a bit upset." You also need to explain the situation to the school and demand that they not assign your daughter to work with this girl, period.

Hopefully that will be enough.

↑ ora_43 ↓

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 5:02 am

Also, prepare your dd (and yourself) for an 'extinction burst', ie, this other girl's behavior getting worse before it gets better. Prepare for her to cry, ask what she did wrong, insinuate that she's going to fail out of school and it will be your dd's fault, try to get teachers involved on her side, etc.

When you cut off a demanding person they often make one last big attempt to guilt you into compliance. There's not really anything you can do to stop it but it's important to be mentally prepared.

(This is also part of why it's important that her teacher understand just how serious the situation is and that you, the mother, demand that the school stop pushing these two together. Because otherwise the other girl might try to maintain access to your dd through school.)

↑ ora_43

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 5:06 am

Sorry, one last thing -

Why do I suggest cutting this girl off completely, when you said

Quote:

I think that it's very beneficial for both girls if my daughter helps this girl sometimes, like once a week.

Because this other girl's behavior is really not healthy. She's possessive. She's demanding. And your dd struggles to put up healthy boundaries.

Giving her one afternoon a week is just asking for her to keep pushing at your dd's boundaries and stressing her out.

It would be good for your dd to help someone once a week. But that someone shouldn't be a girl with a proven ability to play on your dd's weaknesses and keep her stressed out and socially isolated.

MyUsername

Fri, Sep 06 2024, 6:47 am

Inform everyone. Not as a discussion. Best if in writing.
Inform the teacher.
Inform the principal.
Inform the school guidance counselor or grade advisor.
Inform the mother.
Inform the girl.
Let them all know in writing (trxt message, email, an actual written letter) that you and your husband no longer allow your daughter to help due to private family considerations and it is unfortuantley not able to be shared in discussion.
Be the bad guy, this was your decision, so the girl and school and teachers don't take it out on your daughter. And tell your daughter if asked she should say no, and if pushed, to just say that her parents don't let it and to go do something else.

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