But my kids don't like that kind of vacation! -update page

dankbar ↓

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 9:44 am

You're all saying that kids are spoiled and they should enjoy their fathers type if trip that interests him but not them, go along as respect, learn flexibility, have wholesome fun.....all is true.....

But I feel, if you spent the money, the time, packed everyone up, because you want to give them a good time, you want to create memories as a family for them, taking then to a place that doesn't interest them, and then force them to be interested and not get bored, and stay respectful and peaceful? I'm not saying they need over the top vacations, but some things you need to do, and have no choice, even if you don't like, but are you supposed to go on a vacation, or do stuff that doesn't interest you, just because your father had interest in it?

I would understand if you come to a simcha, sit nicely and respectfully even if it's hard, that a duty they should learn, because there's no choice.
Or wait in a line, even if it's uncomfortable.....

It's like telling someone who hates reading, you must finish the book in an hour, because your father likes education, and has interest in this subject.

Or tell a clumsy type of kid who hates dancing you must take dance classes, and they need to be grateful, that parents paying for this class.....

Or son must study and major in a certain field, that he has no interest in, because father wants to be proud his son is a doctor......

amother

↑ Aqua

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 9:52 am

dankbar wrote:

Actually, yes. This is what the family is doing, so you come along and be respectful. Bring a book if you're so afraid of being "bored".

amother

↑ SandyBrown

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 9:53 am

DrMom wrote:

Honestly, in this post and throughout the entire thread, it sounds to me like you are not so subtly siding with your kids against your husband and you are relishing in the "I told you so" moment. And your kids can pick up on that.

IMO, kids who cannot cope with a little nature for 3 measly days after a whole summer of stimulating camp activities are kind of bratty.

This. 100%.

imaima

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 9:55 am

dankbar wrote:

You want to spend the time with each other, doing a low key activity where other people are the focus, not „give a good time to kids“ by keeping them thrilled and stimulated st all times.

amother

DarkMagenta ↓

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 9:59 am

Okay aside from all that’s been said, what about the husband finally getting his dream vacation once in many years. If you emphasize the joy of giving, meaning seeing others be happy, then this could’ve been an exciting adventure. I would say differently if the husband always got his way.

amother

↑ Periwinkle ↓

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 10:09 am

amother Aqua wrote:

The issue is not that you took them on a more laid-back type trip.
The issue is that you spoiled them rotten with over-the-top trips for 14 years and set that as the expectation.

True, but I'm not getting these posts where kids are supposed to be doing a complete 180 at the drop of the hat.

If this is what was done till now and these were the expectations, it's not surprising the kids reacted this way if it was suddenly done away with completely. If it were due to financial or other concerns I think the children were likely to be more reasonable. But this appears to be a situation where Tatty decided he wants his style of vacation and gave little consideration to his kids wishes.

If he wanted to make changes, do it gradually. Compromise, split up the days etc. Remember, he is the adult in this picture, he should have modeled how to work out differences. It would have been nice if the kids were more flexible (and that's something OP can work on with them) but they are the kids here. Tatty is the adult and he didn't do this right imo.

amother

↑ Periwinkle ↓

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 10:10 am

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

Curious if he got his dream vacation when the kids were unwilling participants.

amother

↑ Periwinkle ↓

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 10:11 am

amother Aqua wrote:

Actually, yes. This is what the family is doing, so you come along and be respectful. Bring a book if you're so afraid of being "bored".

But if all the kids are bored, why drag the kids along. Perhaps Tatty and Mommy should have taken such a vacation themselves then and leave the kids home.

amother

↑ DarkMagenta

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 10:17 am

amother Periwinkle wrote:

Curious if he got his dream vacation when the kids were unwilling participants.

Sadly, perhaps not. I’m saying that OP maybe could’ve helped with a change of attitude and pump up the kids and maybe even come up with compromises and solutions. Also I really can’t understand calling Tatty inconsiderate when he was the one mevater for 14 years. OP not trying to invalidate you. Vacations with kids can be challenging no matter what you do.

princessleah

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 10:19 am

We’ve been camping with our kids since they were 1 years old. It’s part of our routine. Now that they are teenagers and more grumbly, we divide our vacations like — 2 nights of camping, and the third day, pack up and go to a hotel/amusement park that’s on the way home. Everyone enjoys. Seems like the way you’ve been doing it is very “all or nothing.” Why not combine?

amother

↑ Periwinkle ↓

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 10:26 am

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

Because adults have to be the realistic ones. He knows his kids. He likely knew that the kids would be upset and inflexible. So why force it upon them in such an abrupt and upsetting manner. Why not compromise and work it out in a way that would palatable to the kids.

If he misses his vacation so much, why doesn't he take a personal vacation? Why was their need to completely upend their family vacation. Take 1-2 days for nature activities, take 1-2 for their thrills and everyone has something to their preference. Or have 2 small vacations during the year, one to his preference, one to his kids. He can find a way to gradually introduce more wholesome vacations to them so they come to enjoy it too. With this way he handled this, this outcome was foreseeable.

↑ dankbar

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 10:29 am

imaima wrote:

You want to spend the time with each other, doing a low key activity where other people are the focus, not „give a good time to kids“ by keeping them thrilled and stimulated st all times.

It's true you can create good memories by just bonding with family and enjoying each other's company even if you're not doing anything thrilling.

I played rummikub with my kids this shabbos for family time.

Reality is, that this was not happening. She says her kids were miserable and fighting, this doesn't create fond memories.

Trip accomplished opposite of what she wanted to create. Father thought his kids might enjoy, once they experience something different, but it didn't happen, the way he wanted it to be.

amother

↑ Thistle

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 10:30 am

amother Periwinkle wrote:

Seems like op and her husband were locked in this power struggle. Op needed to prove him wrong while he needed to have things entirely his way. The kids are the only ones acting age appropriate.

amother

↑ Periwinkle ↓

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 10:35 am

dankbar wrote:

Did Tatty really think his kids would enjoy? As per OP, the kids have gone on hikes/nature trips when they visit his extended family and never enjoyed them. Was he being realistic with his expectations that the kids will suddenly enjoy a full head-on nature trip? Or was he just thinking about his preferences?

For arguments sake, let's change up the nature aspect with something else. How about museums. If the father loves museums and he arranges this vacation to be all about visiting museums, I.e. museums of natural history, MOMA, etc and not much else, would all the folks here still support the dad?

amother

↑ Periwinkle

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 10:39 am

amother Thistle wrote:

Seems like op and her husband were locked in this power struggle. Op needed to prove him wrong while he needed to have things entirely his way. The kids are the only ones acting age appropriate.

We are adding wings to the post. It could very well be that OP tried numerous times to reason or compromise with him, but dh was being very stubborn.

Or it could be that dh wanted a compromise and OP was inflexible.

Or it could be something else entirely. Hence the reason why I focus on OPs words and I don't try to add onto it. She said she try to reason with him, and he was unmoving. So her actions sound more like a frustrated woman, than one conspiring not to work things out.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 3:16 pm

My kids are ND, all but one are on the spectrum and some have both ADHD and ASD. They have a very hard time with change. Maybe they are the brats that you are all describing. Apparently I'm also an inflexible wife locked in a power struggle with her DH who was happy to prove DH wrong.
DH had this idea that this would be a wonderful bonding experience and they would love it. I did not think that's how it would turn out. Too much together time, brings out all their triggers.
The way I saw this was like bringing someone who dislikes art to art museums for 3 days. Maybe take them to one art museum to open their minds a bit and then the rest of the days do things they like.
The reason why it may sound like relishing was because the majority of the women on this thread were convinced that this was my attitude problem and that I could make it work if I just did this or that.
I mentioned that DH is not very in tune with the kids interests and that this is likely to exacerbate that issue.
Instead everyone was saying it's good for them to go to "art museums" for 3 days.
I did back my DH up, actually I tried really hard. He assumed they would just like it. I was the one making scavenger hunts and games. I brought things with us to do at night. I planned the s'mores and the exciting foods. I went all in.
It still didn't make them like art museums or enjoy their vacation.
Some of these posts are very hurtful.

amother

Chicory

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 9:05 pm

It seems like a mindset shift is in order :
NOT: he wants vs. what she wants vs. what they want
RATHER:
He has his preferences
She has her preferences
They have their preferences
SO
Let’s all respect each other’s preferences and figure out an amazing trip that takes everyone’s preferences into account.