Refusing to wear glasses

doodlesmom ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 9:40 pm

Op, just sharing my experience.
I never felt comfortable in glasses. It made me feel like I constantly was looking through a bit of a distorted window pane.
Until I got lenses, I just didn’t see clearly- since I skipped my glasses.
Nowadays you will never find me in glasses unless I have a red eye (and I literally get them for free).

So I let my kids get lenses as early as they can be responsible and put them in on their own.

My sister who never liked her lenses refused to get her daughter lenses until she heard my perspective.

It also does help that it keeps the number from jumping up…

amother

Gold

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 10:04 pm

This thread is extraordinary.
OP I would encourage her to take the glasses round to a friends house and ask her for an opinion on how they look. If the friend has any sense she'll rave about how good they look and then she'll be more comfortable wearing them.

If not, leave it. I ahve a kid who refused to wear glasses (or lenses!) until they discovered they were falling behind in school and suffering from headaches and the pediatrician told them not to be so stupid and she wasn't prescribing more painkillers until they wore their glasses. Some people like to learn the hard way.

amother

Currant

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 10:17 pm

This is a fascinating thread. I came from a dysfunctional, poor family. Seriously there was no money. I was deprived. But I got lenses at 13.

amother

↑ Milk ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 10:27 pm

amother Milk wrote:

You can get prescription goggles. The glasses I have is very stylish and you can switch out the top frames. Check out the website for all the glasses. They have the same toppers for all the glasses and they have thousands to choose from.

Why was this reported and hugged…?

farm

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 11:50 pm

A few thought of my own after reading through all 11 pages-
1. When practical down-to-earth and wise posters like Hashem Yaazor and Chayalle disagree with your stance, you are wrong.
2. Repeating a point made way back, many pages ago- she tried on frames with eyes blind as a bat. Now that she has them and sees herself in the mirror with normal vision, it makes sense she actually sees how she looks and won’t walk out like that. Unfair to be stuck on her liking them in the store.
3. As someone who has needed corrective lenses since 6th grade and will only wear glasses if I have conjunctivitis, I can confirm with 100% certainly that my vision is significantly superior with contacts. Peripheral vision suffers with glasses. Contacts are safer for a young driver.
4. You still haven’t clarified why contacts aren’t an option. Is it money? Offer her contacts instead of camp. Or new school shoes. Or crowdfund on this thread! If there is another reason, may you please share?

amother

↑ Begonia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 11:55 pm

farm wrote:

She did clarify that lenses wasn't an option because it wasn't in the budget, but then added that she doesn't believe in giving into teenage "whims".
This insinuates that the daughter wants lenses but the mother considered it a whim, and she has no money in the budget for whims.
This is what led to all the responders saying that lenses should not be considered a whim, that it's more like a basic thing, and the mother should take the daughters feelings into account.

amother

↑ Molasses

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 12:15 am

And that "Contacts are not a thing in her home"

which quite frankly, I have no idea what that means

amother

Teal

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 12:22 am

Really interesting thread, here. I never realized that contact lenses are so very much more expensive than glasses.

I teach in a rich NY high school and there are lots of students who wear glasses. That said, there must be many girls who always wear contacts, too. And most of the glasses-wearing girls wear contacts on shabbatonim and occasionally to school too.

As a lifelong glasses-wearer who wears contacts only seldomly, and as someone in a family were almost everyone wears glasses almost all the time, I can relate to the OP's cultural comfort with glasses and with the sense that the position "it's legitimate to feel like lenses are a necessity" is a sort of offensive judgment against one's own sense of style, especially if they're a lot more expensive.

If I were you, OP, I would buy your daughter six pairs of contact lenses and tell her that they're for the first week of high school and then for special occasions only after that.

She'll get used to having her vision back, which is the most important thing here. And once she finds that being able to see is great, she won't be willing to go back to blindness. She'll either come around to a position near yours and will wear her glasses most of the time...or she'll figure out a way to earn some money and pay for a constant supply of contact lenses.

↑ essie14 ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 12:25 am

amother Molasses wrote:

And that "Contacts are not a thing in her home"

which quite frankly, I have no idea what that means

Except that OP herself has worn contacts for 20 years.....
Banging head

Elfrida

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 1:13 am

It rather reminds me of when I was about thirteen and my mother bought me a heavy wool coat to wear for school. I don't know what she spent, but it was a very good quality coat, and was probably a special sale or something. I hated the weight and way the coat was so inflexible. She said it was a good coat, and I couldn't have another.

I spent that entire winter insisting that it wasn't cold, and I didn't need to wear a coat. If it rained, I took an umbrella. That coat sat unused the entire winter. The next year she bought me a coat that I was willing to wear.

So, a parent can be inflexible, but so can a teenager. If no one is willing to compromise, they both lose.

↑ notshanarishona ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 1:15 am

amother OP wrote:

I unintentionally hit a real trigger point. Thank you to those who posted with a sane objective mind without buying in to the dramatic assumptions.

I think I will read this thread to my daughter so she can see what a cruel horrid rigid neglectful mother I am. We could have a good laugh together.

If I could start the thread again I would ask: How do you help your daughter adjust to change?

To answer a few points:
No my daughter never asked for lenses. She is not one of my oldest and not one of my youngest and lenses are not a thing in my home.

My daughter chose these glasses out of many pairs. She said she would wear them. She said she liked them. The store owner helped us choose a pair that is popular with girls her age.

Some of us have very high prescriptions and need $500+ glasses. Glasses last a few years and at most get bent out of shape which is a free repair. Anyone who feels terribly awful for my teenagers who are wearing the same glasses for 3-4 years in a row.. save it for a real sob story.

For those of you who are heartbroken for my daughter that I won't overload my budget for contact lenses... I'm seriously not interested in your opinion on how to spend money.

For those of you who think I sound cold and uncompassionate and rigid, maybe I do on this thread when I'm talking to you. Maybe you hear my frustration since this is not a brand new issue. Maybe there is something more I cannot say and also cannot compromise on. Maybe when I talk to my daughter I sound completely different. Maybe I haven't spoken to my daughter in four weeks because she just came back from a month at overnight camp having a great time with her friends (who wear glasses). Maybe I am traveling and having fun with my family and not really caring that strangers think I'm a horrid neglectful mother. All of the above is true.

Thank you anyway. Sorry I triggered you. Yes I know it's very uncomfortable to feel you don't look right. Yes I understand my daughter doesn't want to "ruin" her looks. I said so in my very first post.

My only request is next time someone asks for advice to not insist only your mentality in your own neighborhood is valid. Please don't give advice if you cannot fathom outside your box or if it is a sensitive trigger for you.

If you cannot help yourself and continue to bash and call me names, I won't be responding. It's not even about me, you've made up an entirely new character based on yourself.

Last point: contact lenses may be a neccesity for some. For most it is not.

Shana Tova.

As far as practical suggestions, even with very high prescription you can buy cheaper glasses online. Zenni’s for example you can get for $30. My husband has a super high prescription (-9) and still can get for under $50.I find that helpful as far as affording back up pairs since insurance only covers 1 a year (and my daughter breaks hers at least that often 😂 playing ball).
It sounds like many amothers on here would be willing to help financially if that was the only issue although it sounds like it’s more the principle of the matter for you and the cost is the side point but if it is the cost then perhaps use people’s help or maybe compromise and let your daughter earn some of it.
I really like the suggestion someone had of going out on a individual outing with your daughter and discussing ways to get comfortable with glasses. Explain to her rationally how different her life will be once she can see , see if maybe she can start with wearing them inside the house or by a close friend and slowly increase the time wearing them.
Another suggestion what if you spoke to her mechaneches and told her how uncomfortable your daughter is feeling with wearing glasses but that she really can’t see in school, does she have any suggestions.
Lastly, I am impressed that you stick to your principles and stay on the thread even with all this bullying but please never read a thread like this to a vulnerable teenager. That could cause numerous self esteem problems.

↑ notshanarishona

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 1:17 am

amother Begonia wrote:

I'm glad you pointed that out to me.
I want to explain that my intention was far from being rude or insensitive. And I'm sorry I came across that way to you.
My heart is truly hurting for OPs daughter. I cannot help her, obviously. My point in posting that I wish I could reach out to her was simply to convey to OP, in strong terms, that I hope she takes these words to heart.
I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. I am not saying these things to hurt her, c"v, but because we care about her daughter, and her relationship, and wish her well.

Good for you for apologizing! Obviously many people have strong feelings on this matter, but at the same time it’s always important to remember that OP is a real person who is reading these messages and likely feeling too hurt to take anything to heart. There is a way to talk to get people to be open minded to change .

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:23 am

I have not changed my POV after reading OP's last post. Barring some medical condition (because OP says there's something she cannot say and cannot compromise on) that precludes her DD from wearing lenses, "not a thing in my home" translates to "no options, all my ducklings need to follow in a row". If this child wants something different as she grows into herself, it's something that should be considered. Chanoch L'Naar Al Pi Darko.

Again, I don't think that means she needs therapy, I don't think it means OP is horrid, but I've met people who have a point where they are stuck. I have found myself there too sometimes as a parent, and it's hard work to "un-stuck" myself and realize that a particular child needs more options than her siblings had, and I learn to stretch myself.

amother

↑ Puce ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:38 am

Chayalle wrote:

Fully agree. Each child has their own unique needs, and I have learned to take a step back and evaluate a situation based on a particular childs needs instead of having blanket rules.

I will say learning to stretch myself as such has made me grow as a person too. It has carried over to other areas in my life. I was much more rigid and inflexible with life in general when I was younger. This has taught me to always take a step back and think things over before taking a stance. It has also made me much more pleasant to deal with with outsiders because I don't run with preconceived notions anymore.

↑ Hashem_Yaazor ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 8:45 am

Chayalle wrote:

The only part I have changed is being unsure if her daughter doesn't want contacts or just hasn't mentioned it.

amother

↑ Chicory ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 9:15 am

I think I read on here that in Chabad some people don't wear contact lenses since apparently the rebbe felt it wasn't safe. But op says she wore them for 20 years, so I guess that can't be it.

amother

Amaryllis

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 9:18 am

Each session of therapy that she may have to go to as an adult for mother issues can cover an entire years worth of lenses.
Op is just digging her heals in even more and looking for validation.
As an aside, I think it’s wrong to make a child pay for their own lenses.

amother

↑ Milk ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 9:34 am

amother Chicory wrote:

I think I read on here that in Chabad some people don't wear contact lenses since apparently the rebbe felt it wasn't safe. But op says she wore them for 20 years, so I guess that can't be it.

I’m Chabad and I recall hearing something about that.
But Chabad ppl do wear contacts. (Don’t ask why I don’t have contacts)

amother

Thistle ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 9:54 am

Fascinating thread.
I wonder if this is a real live current situations or a parent questioning her own past judgement.
Regardless, OP can make this the hill she dies on or she can have a real conversation- without manipulation, with her daughter and try to see what can help her. Hear her out without judging the choices she made at the store and without using your anxiety at the cost of the original pair steer the conversation. Just listen.
Its her choice and her future with her daughter.

amother

↑ Jade ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 10:27 am

Most teenage “whims” are not in the budget.