Refusing to wear glasses

octopus ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 11:12 am

amother Teal wrote:

Really interesting thread, here. I never realized that contact lenses are so very much more expensive than glasses.

I teach in a rich NY high school and there are lots of students who wear glasses. That said, there must be many girls who always wear contacts, too. And most of the glasses-wearing girls wear contacts on shabbatonim and occasionally to school too.

As a lifelong glasses-wearer who wears contacts only seldomly, and as someone in a family were almost everyone wears glasses almost all the time, I can relate to the OP's cultural comfort with glasses and with the sense that the position "it's legitimate to feel like lenses are a necessity" is a sort of offensive judgment against one's own sense of style, especially if they're a lot more expensive.

If I were you, OP, I would buy your daughter six pairs of contact lenses and tell her that they're for the first week of high school and then for special occasions only after that.

She'll get used to having her vision back, which is the most important thing here. And once she finds that being able to see is great, she won't be willing to go back to blindness. She'll either come around to a position near yours and will wear her glasses most of the time...or she'll figure out a way to earn some money and pay for a constant supply of contact lenses.

Please don't ration out contact lenses. It is beyond controlling.

amother

↑ Sunflower ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 11:24 am

amother Begonia wrote:

Did you miss the part where OP responded that she isn't interested in caving into teenage whims? What does that tell you?

g
Contact lenses aren’t teenage whims.
Reading through this whole thread, it sounds like the mother is stubborn and the daughter is stubborn (maybe it runs in the family lol). If OP would say what it is her daughter wants, then we can work with her. It is up to the mother to make sure her daughter can see and maybe she can go to her daughter and apologize and work things out. Someone has to be mature, let it be good chinuch.

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 12:13 pm

amother Sunflower wrote:

Moms latest post is just digging her heels in further and laughing at all “imamother posters” does that sound like someone who will apologize to her daughter and work things out?

amother

↑ Begonia ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 12:55 pm

tichellady wrote:

What exactly is the issue? Is she in denial about her vision? Is she not comfortable with changing her look? Does she know why she won’t wear glasses and can she articulate it?

We only know what OP has told us.
Her latest post was a lot of gaslighting, like we all didnt read what we read.
She said
1. Daughter doesn't want to wear glasses because she doesn't want to change her look
2. Contacts are not in her budget any time soon
3. Mom doesn't believe in caving onto teenage whims (which implies that lenses are a whim and that it's her daughter's whim)

Posters were merely responding to these points. No one was making assumptions out if thin air. (All of these can be found in OP's posts unless she edited them.)

amother

Dahlia ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 1:09 pm

amother Jade wrote:

Cheaper than therapy- is a set of lenses!!
If you go this route you might end up having to pay for drug rehab down the line Chas v’shalom but dealing with parents like you is what causes it.
You WILL regret your stubbornness at some point.
Not one person (mostly mothers here) responded telling you that you are right.
You are stubborn and not understanding a teenage girl.
YOU are wrong.
YOU should go for therapy.

Didn't read through whole thread but had to respond here:
I am a therapist in drug rehab. Um not getting contacts does not lead a kid to overdose, be an alcoholic, abuse prescription medications...
We should not be living in fear that not giving into every whim of our kids will lead to them being heroin or fentanyl addicts.
From the front lines, this idea is wrong.

Not accepting your kid (maybe my kid wont be able to learn in kollel, maybe they wont be a doctor), not getting them therapy or help when needed, not getting them diagnosed and helped with mental health and emotional issues (including meds), not addressing learning disabilities, making sure to not abuse our kids (true abuse with beating them up, starving them, and other extreme situations), protecting them from CSA... that can all help your kid avoid drug use.

Not getting the in backpack, the fancy winter coat (or knockoff), or contacts? Nope. Not one frum kid I worked with pointed to that as a real reason for their abuse.
Been working in this field for YEARS.

Now, should OP get their kid contacts? Totally different issue.

amother

↑ Begonia ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 1:22 pm

amother Dahlia wrote:

Um. Your response is probabbly due to you not having read the whole thread. No one on this board thinks that not getting the daughter lens will cause her to overdose.

There was a lot more that was conveyed OPs answers that made many of us shudder. The lenses is not the point. It was only the catalyst.

amother

↑ Puce

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 1:27 pm

amother Dahlia wrote:

I don't think it's as simple as you describe. It comes down to the moms approach, hpw the parents manage a situation..

If it's- I'm really sorry but it's unfortunately unaffordable right now. I would so love to get it for you but it's really not doable. How can we make it work with the current options - then yeah it won't lead the kid to harm.

But if it's - this is just a teenage whim, and no matter how important you think it is to you I don't agree with your assessment. So I'll stand on principle and force you to comply - then yeah, it can lead a kid to disconnect from the parent setting the stage for further trouble.

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 1:37 pm

amother Puce wrote:

Exactly this. Its the attitude of the parent and the rigidity and the total disregard for the daughter’s feelings. This is so not about contacts vs glasses. And yes this kind of parent child relationship can lead to lots of trouble down the road. Obviously nothings a given the girl can be totally resilient and we are all hoping she is.

amother

Skyblue ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 1:48 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Same, but my daughter has an astigmatism and does fine with contacts. Eye doctor told me if you start young, you adjust to this way of vision and it's easier to overcome the sensory part at a younger age..... But I waited too long (my parents were old-fashioned like that and not into getting contacts till after high school) and it was too late, I can't see with lenses - they are blurry. Gas permeable would alleviate that but I'm too sensory for them. So no contacts. That's why I get them for my girls before high school. I wanted them to have the option, and it works great for them.

Interesting. I should be thankful my parents started me in High School because I also have an astigmatism and I can wear contacts perfectly fine.
I do have issues with streetlights at night but I have that with glasses too.

amother

↑ Skyblue

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am perfectly okay noting that I have a different mentality than Imamother posters. In real life, many high school girls in my daughter's school wear glasses every day.
I don't generally cave to unreasonable whims of teenagers. Not wearing glasses when you need glasses is unreasonable. Sometimes people are unreasonable about their looks and that's fine, I can make it up to my daughter in a different area.
I wore glasses for 34 years besides the 20 years I wore contacts. I have plenty of experience with both. I know the costs, and I know where I'm not spending money.

I grew up with a very not with it mother who always budgeted carefully. We all started off with glasses because insurance paid for it- then one year in HS I asked for contacts and she agreed saying she'd cut back on an item for the house and get this for me instead.
A year later my sister needed braces and was embarrased so once again my mother cut out something from her already very very tight budget and got her the invisible braces.
This is what mothers do.
This is what my mother taught me is important.
Understanding that teenagers are self conscious of looks. They don't need therapy for that- they'll grow out of it.
But a teenager that is forced to wear things they hate (ex. glasses and braces) will most definitely need therapy down the line and will most likely be an insecure adult that won't leave the house to bring out the garbage without looking wedding ready.

I mean OP look at the facts. Your daughter went WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO SEE FOR YEARS because of your stubborn inflexibleness. She KNEW you because she is your daughter and look at the unbearable pain she is in. WAKE UP.

Wake up before you lose her!
I know a mother that was like you. She still is. Her children (in their 40s) still call her every day as Kibbud Eim, but she knows NOTHING about their lives and doesn't realize it. They talk about basics never anything deeper or future plans with her because they emotionally detached from her. I feel so bad for her that she still doesn't realize what she is doing.

amother

↑ Milk ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:24 pm

amother Milk wrote:

https://paireyewear.com/eyeglasses/women

Would she try these?

I have them and love them.
She can choose as many toppers as you allow.

If you want to get them ask a moderator to give you my username so I can send you a link for 25% off.

You can also use the code NEWPAIR for $54 instead of $60.

Whoever is keep hugging, why are you hugging?

amother

↑ Cantaloupe

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 2:34 pm

amother Milk wrote:

Whoever is keep hugging, why are you hugging?

It's cuz 'how dare you not immediately jump on the "glasses are unacceptable for her, only contacts will do" wagon'. You're not allowed to help OP find other ways to make the glasses more palatable, you can only try to convince OP that she must give lenses or she will ruin her relationship with her daughter.

↑ essie14

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 3:26 pm

amother Puce wrote:

Exactly this.
Thankfully, my mother was the former.
She couldn't afford to get me everything I wanted as a teen but she sat down with me and would work out a budget. And I babysat and worked summers to have spending money. And she took me shopping and she paid what we agreed on and I paid the difference. And BH years later we have a great relationship.
She never dismissed my "whims" even though I'm sure she thought the Keds sneakers were absolutely ridiculous.
(Am I dating myself? I sure am LOL

)
She could have won the Keds battle and forced me to wear Payless sneakers and she would have ruined our relationship.

amother

↑ Sunflower ↓

Wed, Aug 28 2024, 3:46 pm

Raizle wrote:

Just jumping in on this conversation. I can't read 12 pages but I just want to know...

Has anyone addressed the question of how on earth could her eyesight be assessed in 2 minutes? No eye sight checkup takes 2 minutes, especially not an initial one.

I thought it was more like the doctor started and saw how bad it was and left to talk to the mother shortly after starting the exam.
What I don’t understand is why she never went to an eye doctor. Even at a physical they do a basic eye exam. Schools also have eyesight screening. How was this not caught?