Refusing to wear glasses

amother

↑ Peach

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:16 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

Now I've read the whole thread and the only person I feel badly for is the OP for having to read some disgusting remarks made about her. You cannot judge someone's parenting by one circumstance she relates.
The glasses cost a few hundred dollars. I have been buying glasses for myself for over 30 years and almost 20 years for my kids. I am aware how much they cost. For that amount of money, she got something trendy and stylish.

Not necessarily.
If the prescription is very significant, often there are extra costs involved in making the lenses and shaving it down.

My child has a 7/7.5 prescription. We buy clearance glasses for $29 and the total cost of lenses and shaving it down and all can be close to $250.

↑ keym

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:18 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

She will have to earn the money herself.
And what, by the way, would you do for a girl who cannot wear lenses because they irritate her eyes too much or because she is not responsible enough to take care of them, and yet at the same time, she refuses to wear glasses. Would you pay for LASIK because otherwise she'll need therapy?
There are some kids who have to grow up just a little bit earlier than others. In other words, they need to face the realities of life even as teenager.

OP's daughter has chosen a solution. She has chosen to go nearly blind. If you read the OP, the daughter seems just fine with this plan, it's the mother who's objecting.

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:22 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

Yes and unfortunately this girl is going to have face the realities that her mother is not even trying to understand her. She seems to have already learned just how rigid her mother is as she didnt even ask for lenses. Poor girl my heart really goes out to her.

amother

↑ Nemesia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:28 pm

keym wrote:

OP's daughter has chosen a solution. She has chosen to go nearly blind. If you read the OP, the daughter seems just fine with this plan, it's the mother who's objecting.

If her eyesight is really that poor, she would be doing poorly in school unless she sits in the front row. So either the doctor was exaggerating, or the daughter's schoolwork will suffer as in high school, it is doubtful she will be constantly near the board. Most girls dont like doing poorly in school. Maybe she will grow up a little.

amother

↑ Nemesia

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:30 pm

amother Darkblue wrote:

Again - you are declaring the mother to be rigid when you dont know all the facts.
Save your pity for all the kids growing up in truly dysfunctional homes. Unfortunately, there are plenty of those.

amother

↑ Watermelon

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:32 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

I interpreted her response to mean that when they were shopping for the glasses, her daughter did not bring up getting lenses instead.

It seems like it had already been a discussion in the past but DD knows that mom refuses and will not back down. So she didn't bother bringing it up. The fact that the girl would rather not be able to see then to wear glasses, should be enough of a reason for a parent to get contacts. And for mom to rather get a therapist for this, then getting the contacts, is beyond absurd. The girl isn't asking for a luxury extra thing. Contacts are a basic that no child should be refused.

lamplighter

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:34 pm

OP, sometimes we need to look at the bigger picture.
You are looking at this scenario with ZERO empathy for a teenager who is suddenly forced to change how they look, who was so distraught over this she kept her failing eyesight a secret.
Start over. Sit down with your daughter, take her out for a ice coffee and pastry and LISTEN to her, and then try to work together on a solution that respects her wishes and your budget.
This is not about glasses vs lenses. This is about chinuch. You can do better.

↑ Hashem_Yaazor ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:37 pm

I can't emphasize enough the need for a girl at this vulnerable stage (entering high school) especially to be made as comfortable aesthetically as possible.

I was 2 months shy of my bas mitzvah and I still cringe that for whatever circumstances I had to go to my brother's bar mitzvah in sneakers. I never got over that and it was just a few hours.

A girl who doesn't feel as comfortable as possible at the start of school isn't set up for success.
So she'll choose not to wear her glasses but not sure what OP gains from that.

I don't consider contacts a necessity.
I do consider a teenage girl feeling like her social emotional needs are taken care of a necessity. I also consider a child's vision a necessity. If there's no other way to combine those 2 necessities, sometimes we as parents need to step out of our comfort zone and find a way to meet them.

Last edited by Hashem_Yaazor on Tue, Aug 27 2024, 9:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:50 pm

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

I can't emphasize enough the need for a girl at this vulnerable stage (entering high school) especially to be made as comfortable aesthetically as possible.

I was 2 months shy of my bas mitzvah and I still cringe that for whatever circumstances I had to go to my brother's bar mitzvah in sneakers. I never got over that and it was just a few hours.

A girl who doesn't feel as comfortable as possible at the start of school isn't set up for success.
So she'll choose not to wear her glasses but not sure what OP gains from that.

I don't consider contacts a necessity.
I do consider a teenage girl feeling like her social emotional needs are taken care of a necessity. I also consider a child's vision a necessity. If there's no other way to convince those 2 necessities, sometimes we as parents need to step out of our comfort zone and find a way to meet them.

Dont worry her mother will put her in therapy

↑ Chayalle ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 9:08 pm

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

You too? At my brother's Bar Mitzvah, someone spilled their soup all over me by mistake. I hid in the kitchen for the rest of the affair. I was so embarrassed. Plus it was hot and my hair frizzed and I had a (probably mild, but to me humongous) outbreak of acne.

But yes. The teen years are particularly sensitive as to looks.

I've been pretty vocal on this thread that I think OP should allow her teen a choice. I haven't posted that she will for sure need therapy or anything like that, she may be very resilient. She might be just fine. That isn't the point. The point is, I believe in flexibility and giving teens options. They are on their way to adulthood. They should have choices, it's how they learn to adult BEH when they get there.

amother

↑ Begonia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 9:16 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

Cute story, but you have no proof she was "pareve" about the glasses. She herself could have been the one who chose them as the ones she wanted.

It's highly unlikely that she loved them in the store and then refused to wear them since.
And you have no proof that she didn't say anything in the store regarding not really wanting glasses.
Just to point out, you are reading as much into the story as everyone else. But everyone else is at least taking the mothers tone and words as an indication that she is being very stubborn.

amother

↑ Begonia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 9:23 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

You seem to be missing the point.
OP said its not in her budget at first, but then she made it clear that it's on principle If it was just about the money, she would be open to the many solutions being suggested here.
We aren't talking about a girl who cannot wear lenses. Yes, some kids have diabetes or allergies or other chronic illnesses. They need to face the realities of life. But the only reality she has to face is that her mother isn't seeing her for the individual she is.
You clearly don't think lenses are necessary. If the kid is fine wifh glasses, then shalom al Yisroel.
However, most people here feel that if a girl would rather go blind than wear glasses, then yes, lenses are a necessity.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 9:25 pm

I unintentionally hit a real trigger point. Thank you to those who posted with a sane objective mind without buying in to the dramatic assumptions.

I think I will read this thread to my daughter so she can see what a cruel horrid rigid neglectful mother I am. We could have a good laugh together.

If I could start the thread again I would ask: How do you help your daughter adjust to change?

To answer a few points:
No my daughter never asked for lenses. She is not one of my oldest and not one of my youngest and lenses are not a thing in my home.

My daughter chose these glasses out of many pairs. She said she would wear them. She said she liked them. The store owner helped us choose a pair that is popular with girls her age.

Some of us have very high prescriptions and need $500+ glasses. Glasses last a few years and at most get bent out of shape which is a free repair. Anyone who feels terribly awful for my teenagers who are wearing the same glasses for 3-4 years in a row.. save it for a real sob story.

For those of you who are heartbroken for my daughter that I won't overload my budget for contact lenses... I'm seriously not interested in your opinion on how to spend money.

For those of you who think I sound cold and uncompassionate and rigid, maybe I do on this thread when I'm talking to you. Maybe you hear my frustration since this is not a brand new issue. Maybe there is something more I cannot say and also cannot compromise on. Maybe when I talk to my daughter I sound completely different. Maybe I haven't spoken to my daughter in four weeks because she just came back from a month at overnight camp having a great time with her friends (who wear glasses). Maybe I am traveling and having fun with my family and not really caring that strangers think I'm a horrid neglectful mother. All of the above is true.

Thank you anyway. Sorry I triggered you. Yes I know it's very uncomfortable to feel you don't look right. Yes I understand my daughter doesn't want to "ruin" her looks. I said so in my very first post.

My only request is next time someone asks for advice to not insist only your mentality in your own neighborhood is valid. Please don't give advice if you cannot fathom outside your box or if it is a sensitive trigger for you.

If you cannot help yourself and continue to bash and call me names, I won't be responding. It's not even about me, you've made up an entirely new character based on yourself.

Last point: contact lenses may be a neccesity for some. For most it is not.

Shana Tova.

amother

↑ Begonia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 9:34 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

I am not Op but this is incredibly insensitive and rude

I'm glad you pointed that out to me.
I want to explain that my intention was far from being rude or insensitive. And I'm sorry I came across that way to you.
My heart is truly hurting for OPs daughter. I cannot help her, obviously. My point in posting that I wish I could reach out to her was simply to convey to OP, in strong terms, that I hope she takes these words to heart.
I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself. I am not saying these things to hurt her, c"v, but because we care about her daughter, and her relationship, and wish her well.

amother

↑ Darkblue ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 9:39 pm

amother OP wrote: