Refusing to wear glasses

amother

↑ Sunflower ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 7:35 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

Way too many posts to wade through, but in case no one else said this: OP did not just buy the cheapest pair of glasses in the store. She bought a really nice pair and her dd was there at the time! OP did nothing wrong and yes, if dd wants to see, she will have to wear them. Lenses may not be a luxury like they were 50 or 60 years ago, but they are not a necessity.
I personally have never spent a few hundred dollars on anyone in my family's glasses, so they must be designer and very nice. 14-year-olds also have to take some responsibility. She was okay with them in the store - so she has to wear them. The issue can be revisited next year.

Let’s pretend:
Let’s pretend OP was getting a dress for her 14 year old for a simcha. Like a bar mitzvah. And she went to a store and spent hundreds of dollars on a dress. When she was in the store, she was very pareve about the dress, she thought maybe it was a babyish style, but her mother said she looked good and the sales lady said she looked good. So she got it. She got alterations and brought it home and put it on and realized that none of her friends were wearing that style dress. But her mother is insisting. Even though it’s a style for a 10 year old.
(Yes, I know glasses are different than a dress. But pick your own item to substitute.)
And remember, you’re bearing one side. There’s always three sides-the mother’s, the daughter’s and the truth. I wasn’t there. You weren’t there. But if 99.9% of the people on imamother agree, that’s something.

amother

↑ Begonia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 7:41 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

I wasn't there and I don't know OPs daughter. But I can imagine a scenario where the daughter "agreed" and chose a pair of glasses, knowing that lenses was not an option. That's not really agreeing.

I remember once being that child. My mother loved a certain dress. I got it because she loved it and was insisting that it looked amazing on me. I never, not once, ever wore the dress. And yes, it was an expensive dress.

Unless the daughter is really strange, and chose something she loved and then, after mom paid for it, changed her mind. But it's more likely (based on everything OP has told us) that the daughter "agreed" to the glasses because she wasn't really given much of a choice.

amother

Lightcyan ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 7:44 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

You can just change the lenses. No need for new frames.

Costs of lenses are crazy. Stores markup. My eye dr laments it all the time. Monthly contacts may even cost similar.

Have you priced out contacts. When I first got my child contacts they recommended very expensive ones. I finally forced them to give cheaper. And then priced around to buy it.
It does come out the same price or cheaper then new glasses and almost the same as new lenses.

Even if kids wear glasses and not Contacts it would be extremely unusual for a teenager to wear the frame team 3-4 years in a row. That is extreme.
I don’t see the saving of glasses over contacts from experience with my kids.

Although the initial fitting was verrrry expensive. Like $250. But it was a one time expense.

amother

↑ Nemesia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 7:49 pm

amother Puce wrote:

Many girls that wear glasses get new glasses every 1-2 years at the very least. They want it to be trendy and keep up with the styles. So think about what you are asking of her. Not only are you refusing to get her lenses, you are going to subject her to be nerdy and outdated all of high school?

FYI - I have two kids wearing lenses. The expenses between glasses and lenses are pretty much comparable. At most, you are talking about a difference of approximately $100. At the very least, offer your daughter the option to make up the difference.

I can tell you that therapy or any accident that results from not seeing properly will be much more costly than $100.

IMO, if this girl will need therapy in the future, it wont be because of this. These glasses arent forever. A compromise can be reached that if she is still not happy with them by the end of the year, OP will get her new ones (if that is in her budget.) Again, these were expensive, trendy frames. The girl is not being deprived.

amother

↑ Nemesia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 7:51 pm

Chayalle wrote:

One of my daughters got glasses at a young age (IIRC she was in the second grade). There was one other girl in her class wearing glasses - she had gotten them as a toddler - and I remember her mother called me up that night saying her daughter is so excited that another girl in the class got glasses. Even at that age they are self-conscious.

I can't tell you how many pairs we went thru those years. I got warrantied pairs so that if they broke within the year, we got a free replacement. Happened all the time. The fell, someone stepped on them, she got hit by a ball during gym, etc.....her childhood was a trail of pairs of glasses.

Plus of course her prescription changed.

Getting her contacts was a blessing. When a pair ripped, there was another pair. I didn't have to schedule time to take her for a new pair of glasses. When she was running low there was always plenty of time to order more, it never had to be an emergency. I found it to be convenient and overall cheaper. Getting them contacts was only a matter of when they were ready - our eye doctor told us, around age 13 or 14. I see people here got them younger, I guess every eye doctor has their own philosophy.

I just don't get OP's resistance to this. Yeah, go down to her school, there may be a girl or two in glasses. In my DD's high school yearbook there is even one girl wearing them (she happens to have alot of personality and is her own self, and likes them, but that's HER choice). So you are going to force your daughter to be that one girl? Tell me, if there's one girl who has a really expensive designer backpack in the $300 range or more, does she get to be that girl too? No? So let her be normal. Most normal teens get contacts.

This was not my experience at all with my glasses-wearing kids so it is not a universal experience. And yearbook photos prove nothing. Girls may have gotten a pair of lenses just for the photo or simply removed their glasses.

amother

↑ Nemesia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 7:53 pm

amother Dimgray wrote:

I’ll be honest. You sound like a rigid and controlling mother. You care more about your bottom line than your child’s wants, feelings, and self-image. This is obviously not about money, but some ego/control issue with yourself. Becoming a flexible, loving, and merciful person may be something you might consider before Rosh hashana. That’s the way we want Hashem to deal with us.
Maybe consider some “insurance covered therapy” for yourself

What you might consider before RH is asking the OP for mechila. What a disgusting, judgmental post.

amother

↑ Nemesia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 7:57 pm

Chayalle wrote:

There's nothing wrong with glasses. But she doesn't want to wear them. There is something wrong with forcing a teen, to not giving her a choice.
A teen is on the way to becoming an adult, and making choices for herself is an important part of that process. This teen is not being allowed that, for no really good reason except her mother is stuck at "no lenses, how can I make her do things my way and wear glasses."

Did you miss the part that she was with her mother when THEY picked out an expensive pair of glasses? If wearing lenses was so important to her, THAT was the time to speak up.
How will any kid learn a lesson if they never have to live with the consequences of their mistakes?!

amother

↑ Begonia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 7:58 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

With all due respect.
You admit you haven't read the whole thread. But you are quick to berate others and put down their opinion.
You dont have to agree with everyone.
But realize that there are 8 pages of people trying to give OP their best advice, and OP has responded in a way that makes us really feel bad for the daughter.
Perhaps read the thread and all of OPs responses before you read into it. As an aside, she never said she got "trendy " glasses.

amother

Bronze

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 7:58 pm

I grew up in poverty. Not only were lenses not an option but we had to choose between 10 or so out of style frames because those were the only ones Medicaid covered. The first 2 years I didn’t wear them because I was too embarrassed but eventually I just got used to it. I survived the experience and didn’t need therapy for having to look ugly. The handmedowns and faded clothes didn’t help.
That being said I try very hard to do better by my own kids

amother

↑ Nemesia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 7:59 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

So seems like op has been wearing corrective lenses for 54 years. If she got glasses at age 10, that would make her 64 now. Op, is she your youngest? Maybe it's an old-time mentality to be overly rigid, Mama knows best mentality, Mom makes all decisions and it's final.

I doubt she is 64 with a 14 year old daughter. The 20 years overlap with the 34.

amother

↑ Nemesia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:03 pm

keym wrote:

She's taking responsibility.
By choosing to not wear them. OP can decide not to buy contacts. But there is no way she can force her daughter to wear them.

So what are OP's choices? Duct tape them to her face? Let her go around blind? Or buy her contacts?

Sure, in an ideal world the DD "should" just wear them. But she's being stubborn because she's a 14 year old teen and won't wear them.

So now what?

Is this a joke? Its sounds like something a 14 year old would say. In the store, the daughter did not say, "I dont like those glasses. I wont wear them." She should have said something at that time.

amother

Poinsettia

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

Lenses are way too out of my budget. I spent extra on glasses so that she'd have a nice pair to last her.

My eye Dr was only prescribing daily disposables at that age. It was a big problem because it made lenses prohibitively expensive. He refused to give that age group bi-monthly which is much cheaper. He said he was seeing too many infections in that age group he only does it for 17 year olds. I switched to a different doctor after I saw her doing well on the dailies. I discovered the reason why they don't stop getting infections is because the new cleaning solutions are absolutely horrible. I have her use the old fashioned cleaning solution and cleaning methods . No infections! I think it's really time to think outside the box if your child is walking around not being able to see.

amother

↑ Nemesia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:05 pm

amother Sunflower wrote:

Cute story, but you have no proof she was "pareve" about the glasses. She herself could have been the one who chose them as the ones she wanted.

amother

↑ Lightcyan

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:07 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

This was my experience the dr insisted on only giving daily. With my daughters she agreed to compromise with bi monthly. Not with boys.
I found a contact company that will sell you comparable monthly to daily prescriptions. It was a risk but worked.

And once I called in for new contact and just told her the brand I wanted and that is what she put in the prescription.

But sometimes the dr insists on most expensive.
Daily are prohibitive cost wise.

amother

↑ Nemesia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:07 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

I dont know which solution your dd used but mine has used Opti-Free Puremoist Multi-Purpose Disinfecting Solution for a good year and a half and has had no issue, ba"h.

↑ keym ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:09 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

Is this a joke? Its sounds like something a 14 year old would say. In the store, the daughter did not say, "I dont like those glasses. I wont wear them." She should have said something at that time.

She should have. True.

But now, what do you suggest?
She refuses to wear them.
Do you have a way to FORCE a 14 year old to wear glasses?

Are you a parent of teens?
Because I am. And I realize that you can't force this. You can't crazy glue or duct tape or whatever.

OP can try to bribe. She can try to force but I have no idea HOW. She can let her daughter go blind. She can buy contacts.
It's not a question of wrong or right, but what realistically can be done.

amother

↑ Nemesia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:13 pm

amother Begonia wrote:

Now I've read the whole thread and the only person I feel badly for is the OP for having to read some disgusting remarks made about her. You cannot judge someone's parenting by one circumstance she relates.
The glasses cost a few hundred dollars. I have been buying glasses for myself for over 30 years and almost 20 years for my kids. I am aware how much they cost. For that amount of money, she got something trendy and stylish.

amother

↑ Nemesia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 8:15 pm

keym wrote:

She will have to earn the money herself.
And what, by the way, would you do for a girl who cannot wear lenses because they irritate her eyes too much or because she is not responsible enough to take care of them, and yet at the same time, she refuses to wear glasses. Would you pay for LASIK because otherwise she'll need therapy?
There are some kids who have to grow up just a little bit earlier than others. In other words, they need to face the realities of life even as teenager.