Doing bedtime routine alone

amother

↑ Cyan

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 3:02 am

amother OP wrote:

Do you have another idea for how I should socialize? I work during the week as do most other women in my community. That’s not a ball I’d prefer to drop.

Get together shabbos afternoon, no need to host for meals. In winter we sometimes get together Friday night while the men go to shul &/or motzei shabbos at a neutral place ( kids play place, pizza etc.)

imaima ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 3:06 am

amother OP wrote:

And do you also do the dinners every night, dishes, appointments, bills, daycare pickups, cleaning help only once a month, and have a part time job? Idk maybe there’s something wrong with me but I’m really struggling with it all.

Your kids ages are hard period. But doing bedtime or even supper bath and bedtime alone is okay if it doesn’t work out otherwise.
Dh should take over things that work out for him though. Leave the dishes for him for when he comes back

amother

Sienna ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 3:15 am

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

Yup- everything but the bills
Worked 4 days a week
4 kids under the age of 8-had more help then moved to Israel and had no help. And a husband working in America 2 weeks a month.
All my friends did the same- no one's husband helped that much even if they were home
And we all survived
This generation needs to get over themselves

That’s extremely unhelpful.
This generation is now all in therapy because your generation „swang“ is be themselves and took shortcuts on your kids.

amother

Tanzanite ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 8:03 am

This generation is in therapy because everyone else. Because they're being told that this and that is not okay. They would find it within themselves to live up to their challenges, be strong and resilient if they weren't made to feel so victimized.

amother

Crimson

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 8:39 am

Op I could have written your posts!! Yes it’s really really hard! First of all like other people said, stop hosting unless you really enjoy it. I used to host but now I learned that taking care of a baby and little kids and having to host is just too much for me. Is there any way you can get more help around the house?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 9:01 am

amother Skyblue wrote:

Just because other people do it and are ok with it, doesn't mean it's right for you. If you are resentful and exhausted, you aren't helping anyone by saying well, everyone else does it so I must also.

If it's not working , you need to change it and your husband needs to get on board. You need to reshuffle the dynamic in your home because you are a person too and you have needs that have to be met. You may also need some financial counseling to help you move out of the work force, even if for a few years until your kids are older, or to move you to a job that brings you fulfillment but works for your life.

You are the foundation of your home. If you aren't happy and healthy, your home can't be. You can shift things around if you and your husband are really ready to do a deep dive and figure it out.

Thank you for your helpful response.
It’s tough because mg husband has been applying to other jobs for over a year- although admittedly there aren’t a ton of options in his field/pay range.

The problem is my job does bring me fulfillment but I feel stifled that I barely work because I’m running to appointments or making phone calls etc. In some way I do think I’d probably be happier not working at all because it’s frustrating to see what I’m missing everyday. I just really don’t see how we could pull it off financially.

amother

Maize

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:16 am

Sounds like we’re in a similar stage of life, my kids range from baby - 13. If anything I have more kids now and find that I have a lot more time for myself. My big kids can help with the baby and babysit. Why are you putting the 13 year old to sleep??
To answer your question, yes it’s normal for DH not to be home for bedtime. Yes it’s hard. Find ways to carve out time for yourself. As another doctor wife said, I put DH through college and residency - it was brutal, it’s not for everyone, but it also made me appreciate the flexibility and the little things, like coming home more than a few min before Shabbos.

Let the big kids babysit at night and go for a run, go out with a friend, meet up with friends on Shabbos, ask DH to give you some time on Sunday - make time for yourself.

amother

↑ Sienna ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:20 am

amother OP wrote:

Analyze:
A) your expenses, and
B) your and dh‘s times.

What is a low priority? Cut it to win pockets of time to do the things you need and love

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:24 am

amother Sienna wrote:

Analyze:
A) your expenses, and
B) your and dh‘s times.

What is a low priority? Cut it to win pockets of time to do the things you need and love

I appreciate your response but we’re maxed out. He’s often home at 9 pm after I’ve spent 6 hours with screaming children. Prior to that I work or go to appts. Sometimes on Sundays I get an hour to myself and sometimes I Shabbos I nap. But that’s pretty much it and it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m just not seeing wiggle room unless I stop working which isn’t feasible we’d go into debt.

amother

↑ Sienna

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:32 am

amother OP wrote:

You need to get more rest on shabbos. Why is everyone screaming for so long? Get together with other moms of little kids

amother

Goldenrod ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:37 am

amother OP wrote:

Serve sandwiches and go to the park with the kids where they can play and you can meet other moms.
Or sit them them down with toys near you while you exercise.
I learned to do things I like, while keeping my kids entertained. A new box of crayons is delightful to a kid.
There should be some time in the 6 hours that you are with them that's enjoyable for both you and the kids.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:37 am

flowerpower wrote:

Can you get more cleaning help? Like 4 hours every week? Or is money too tight for that?

Money is too tight for that Sad

that would be a huge help if I could. The cleaning up feels kind of unbearable with a toddler that scatters everything around the house.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:39 am

amother Goldenrod wrote:

During those 6 hours I nurse twice, I have to make dinner and do dishes and bathtime and bedtime. I can’t go to the park with a nursing baby in 100 degree heat. If I sit down or try to exercise my toddler will jump on me or whine. A new box of crayons would not be delightful to my 3 yr old boy for more than a couple minutes.

I’m really not trying to be difficult im struggling to find solutions.

amother

↑ Skyblue

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:42 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm going to say something that will get everyone here upset but I believe in it strongly. Finances are in the hand of Hashem. We do our part and all we are doing is making a vessel to receive what Hashem determines we should get. We are not able to get more or less than we are supposed to. Life is expensive and it will only get more expensive. But life is also meant to be lived meaningfully, and often times when we stretch ourselves financially, we will find that Hashem responds in kind.

A resentful mother can not raise happy, healthy, frum kids. Try to sit with your husband and think outside the box of how you can change things to better support your needs even if the finances don't make perfect sense.

amother

↑ DarkKhaki ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:45 am

amother OP wrote:

do you have childcare for the time you work?

↑ flowerpower ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:48 am

amother OP wrote:

Money is too tight for that Sad

that would be a huge help if I could. The cleaning up feels kind of unbearable with a toddler that scatters everything around the house.

I believe you! Babies toddlers and preschoolers can be a full time job caring and cleaning up after. Trying to think of ways your afternoon can be easier….