Doing bedtime routine alone

amother

↑ Goldenrod

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 7:52 am

amother OP wrote:

During those 6 hours I nurse twice, I have to make dinner and do dishes and bathtime and bedtime. I can’t go to the park with a nursing baby in 100 degree heat. If I sit down or try to exercise my toddler will jump on me or whine. A new box of crayons would not be delightful to my 3 yr old boy for more than a couple minutes.

I’m really not trying to be difficult im struggling to find solutions.

I gave you examples that suit my life.
You need to be creative with your own life.

It feels to me that you're mostly upset on that your husband is not around.
So if his work schedule doesn’t work for you. What are you willing to give up so he can cut his hours without making you go into debt?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 7:53 am

amother Goldenrod wrote:

I’ll keep brainstorming. It’s really challenging in the heat, I can’t get out of house nor do my friends. It’s unbearable where I live. We’re already in debt there’s not more I can give up.

amother

Geranium

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 8:07 am

OP I might be wrong but you sound similar to me. You enjoy work, hobbies, etc. The house drudgery and yes, even child care is hard for you. First thing to do is accept yourself for who you are. It's OK if you're not so happy with your current situation. Doesn't mean you love your children any less.

I prefer to work more hours and spend the money on housework shortcuts: teenage girl help, disposables, dishwashers, cleaning help, take-out food - those are all things I've spent my salary on throughout the years.

Yes, I work full-time. Besides the financial advantage and the intellectual stimulation which I enjoy, it makes it easier for me to spend time with my kids when it's not for 8-hour stretches. I find myself more patient and loving.

We'd all love to be the ideal mother/wife we learned about seminary but I think it's better to accept ourselves for who we are and then arrange our lives accordingly. Your family will only gain from having a happier mother.

amother

Floralwhite ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 8:35 am

I get you.
This isn't about your husband though. It's about your feeling forced into a lifestyle that doesn't feel natural to you. That's ok. I'm the intellectual type. I hate housework and childcare but I love my kids.

There are a few solutions.
1. make sure to find a few minutes a day for something you love. The mess won't run away. Promise.
2. join your 3 yr old into stuff you love. If you love reading, read to him. If you love painting, paint with him. If you love nature, take him on a hike etc.
3. Get a baby wearer so you have your hands free when your baby is kvetchy.
4. Get both kids on to the same routine. It may be hard for a week or two but after that it's better for everyone.
5. find a local girl to come play with them for an hour a day to free you up.
6. learn to accept a level of mess and chill in the mess. If you're going to keep your kids home until they're 3 you have to enjoy not resent them. If not, find a job that covers the cost of childcare and send them out. You're not doing them a favor having a resentful mother.
7. Take time to breathe during the day. Every few hours just sit and breathe for 3 minutes.
8. check your vitamin levels and make sure you're eating and drinking properly. Pregnancy and nursing take a lot out of you and you may well be feeling a little down because you're depleted.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 8:40 am

amother Floralwhite wrote:

Thank you so much. You’re totally right about the lifestyle not feeling natural to me. My kids are out of the house until like 3 but I feel like there’s often appointments or errands so I’m running around.
I do feel like health wise something is kind of off. Im constantly fatigued and having migraines. I have an appt in early October for bloodwork.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 8:43 am

amother Geranium wrote:

You’re totally right. There’s a part of me that craves to work full time but I can’t. There’s too much I’m responsible for and I’m done trying to change my husband. He grew up with a dad who didn’t even know what their electric company was or what their plans were the next night without asking his wife. I on the other hand grew up with a dad that did all the bills handiwork etc. it’s painful that what I thought my life would entail - a fulfilling job alongside children- doesn’t seem to be panning out at least until my children are older. And I’m trying to accept this because my husband is not going to change.

lamplighter ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 9:34 am

Is it possible to work more hours and afford more help?
It's also hard to tell what your evening routines are like and if your expectations of your kids and yourself can be adjusted.
It is very normal to do the evening on your own but it doesn't matter that it's normal, what matters is that you're not managing it.
Try to engage with the children as opposed to just managing them. Bake, play with them, turn on music and dance etc. if your kids are home at 3 then what 6 hrs are you talking about? What time is bedtime?
Cut as many corners as you can. If you share what you are doing then maybe we can help with that.
You can accept that your husband won't change and still establish boundaries around what you are willing to do.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 9:41 am

lamplighter wrote:

I’m lucky if they’re both in bed by 8:30

Typical routine
3:30-4 get home give toddler a snack
4-5 attempt to make dinner and simultaneously entertain toddler
5-5:30 nurse baby
5:30-6:30 finish dinner that I struggled to make while toddler kept interrupting, get dinner ok table, eat, encourage toddler to eat, spoon feed baby
6:30-7:30 attempt to clean up, maybe play outside a bit, and then give baths
7:30-8:30 story time and trying to get toddler in bed
8:30-9/9:30 nurse baby again and put her to bed

amother

↑ DarkKhaki ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 9:51 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m lucky if they’re both in bed by 8:30

Typical routine
3:30-4 get home give toddler a snack
4-5 attempt to make dinner and simultaneously entertain toddler
5-5:30 nurse baby
5:30-6 finish dinner that I struggled to make while toddler kept interrupting
6-7:30 attempt to clean up, maybe play outside a bit, and then give baths
7:30-8:30 story time and trying to get toddler in bed
8:30-9/9:30 nurse baby again and put her to bed

I advise figuring out a better system for cooking dinner. I personally (little kids and work full time BH) cook for the week on sunday. some people do crockpot dinners. some batch cook and freeze . but not cooking fresh dinner each night will free up a ton of time. it will also let you move dinner time earlier which will also let you move bedtime earlier.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 9:55 am

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

Ya I think you’re right, I’ve been starting to think I should do this. Do you have any menu suggestions? I can’t have dairy because my baby is allergic. Not sure it’d move bedtime much earlier though knowing my toddler 😬

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 9:59 am

notshanarishona wrote:

Many times working a few extra hours to afford extras such as a mother’s helper can make a huge difference.
I would consider giving up nursing/ or lessening it.

I can’t because my baby is allergic and I know from experience with my older child that the hypoallergenic formula tastes horrible so they don’t drink it well. Not to mention super expensive. So I’m also having to pump multiple times a day. The nursing and pumping is hard.

amother

↑ DarkKhaki

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:01 am

amother OP wrote:

we eat fleiish every night. what do you make now? whatever you make now just adapt to make ahead in someway. I truly think this a game changer. working moms always have to play offense

amother

Teal ↓

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:04 am

amother OP wrote:

And do you also do the dinners every night, dishes, appointments, bills, daycare pickups, cleaning help only once a month, and have a part time job? Idk maybe there’s something wrong with me but I’m really struggling with it all.

I do it all by myself, but I have cleaning help once a week and I don’t work.

My husband is very hands on when he’s around, like on shabbos. He’s barely around during the week.

amother

↑ Teal

Fri, Aug 16 2024, 10:08 am

amother OP wrote:

I have. Not much changes, well other than him giving me more praise which I will credit. Just the dynamics don’t change. And I feel like there’s something wrong with me that I’m not managing and feel unhappy and miss when I had time to focus on other things.

You should stop working and let him work harder to make the difference.