Sil to be hasn’t reached out

amother

Skyblue

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 5:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

So I asked her about colours and she did tell me but I’m more wondering why she hasn’t initiated that conversation. There is definitely a theme. I hardly know her and don’t feel comfortable meddling.

I think it's very normal. She is not yet part of the family and is not so familiar/comfortable with you. If anything, she was probably appreciative that you reached out to her. I was told when I was engaged that to force myself to call future sils or force dh to call my brothers/father and make conversation is just that- forces and it should come naturally with the relationship. It meant a lot to dh for me to reach out to his sister and we have a great relationship today as well but it was forced and I didn't appreciate it even though I did it to make him happy. I am not sure what their hashkafa is (yeshivish, modern...) but not everyone does flower girls. There is also not much for the boys side to do, or at least for you to do (except gowns/color theme, etc). But what you are describing is very normal. She is probably very nice and it sounds like she was happy to hear from you but the relationship will blossom naturally with time IyH. If you have any other wedding related questions, definitely continue to reach out to her (and welcome her into the family regardless).
Dh and I are both ffb.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 5:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

Valid point about the flower girls I guess I meant I would hope my girls would be included in the same capacity as her nieces so as to not fee left out.

But you’re again assuming that her nieces will be flower girls… you have no idea about that. Remember, she has no idea what you’re thinking, or that you’re feeling offended, or even that you’re wondering about it at all. She’s very involved now with wedding plans. Try to put it out of your mind and just be gracious about it.

↑ Cheiny

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 5:23 pm

amother Black wrote:

Your title says she didn't reach out but thats just not how its usually done so its normal she didn't reach out. If you have a question about your girls being flower girls you can reach out to her or her mother to see what they will say.

I definitely do not think it’s a good idea to ask the kallah or her mother about flower girls.

amother

Blue

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 5:33 pm

How it usually would go would be that the mother in law would speak to the future dil/her mother because she would be helping with the planning. Then she could relay everything to you.
But it seems like that’s not how it will be seeing as you’re the only two from ones in the family
In this case it is on you to reach out if you want to be involved. She’s probably young and pretty intimidated of you

Also, I hear that you want your girls to be included. There probably isn’t flower girls so technically yes they will be involved the same way. It’s likely that her nieces will make a little dance for her and no, the nieces from both sides don’t do it together - the kallahs side does one and then the chosson’s if they want.
Maybe help your girls make a little dance to do during the wedding? And then make sure to inform the musicians about which song and to announce it.
Also, maybe invite your future sil and bil over a couple times for a bbq, etc. this way you can get to know her and your girls will get to know her a bit before the wedding so hopefully she’ll be dancing with them etc

amother

Mauve

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 6:14 pm

You can definitely reach out to her, not about the wedding party specifically but in general to get to know her and welcome her to the family. She is the new one, very likely she’ll appreciate it if you reach out and not consider it meddling at all.

Chayalle

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 6:50 pm

I have two daughters that got married in the last year BH. No flower girls at the wedding, and each side did their own color scheme or whatever worked for them.
It takes time for a girl to be comfortable in a new family. She may be shy. She may be overwhelmed. She probably has a million things to do. It's on your BIL and you to welcome her to the family right now. It's good that you reached out to her, but don't expect her to read your mind and anticipate the questions you may have. And any sensitive questions (like your girls being flower girls) ask your BIL if that's in the works, so she doesn't feel pressured.

Last edited by Chayalle on Tue, Jul 30 2024, 7:55 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Heather

Mon, Jul 29 2024, 7:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

Ok I hear…in this case bil is useless he has relayed nothing.

In the FFB world it isn’t usually the bil.
It’s usually the Mil who acts as the go between, conveying colors and anything else the chossons family needs to know
The Kallah isn’t usually the one who reaches out, don’t feel bad at all, this doesn’t seem personal.
Yeshivish weddings don’t usually have a wedding party, or a flower girl. If something is done it’s usually only a couple of the kids and would probably be from the kallahs side.
But again, she’s very possibly isn’t having flower girls, most people I know don’t.
Good luck navigating this!

amother

Oxfordblue

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 3:57 am

Hi OP, It sounds like you are happy for your bil, but that you would also like your family to play a role in the wedding. Perhaps ask your bil if you, dh, and kids will be walking down. You might also consider whether you and dh will host sheva brachos. If you are hoping to forge a relationship with the new sil and you can afford it, that would be a nice thing to do. I would try to lower any expectations of "honor" at the wedding and not take offense if no offer of role for your children is forthcoming. These things do work a bit differently than in the secular world and it isn't necessarily a slight to not participate in the wedding ceremony. I also agree that new brides may be overwhelmed and may not actually be making those decisions. Hopefully, some of this information will become clearer as you get closer. If you are interested in having a close connection with bil and new sil, I would suggest that you make an effort to welcome her (perhaps invite the couple over on a Sunday for a meal or just to hang out with you and the kids). Try to give them a little time to settle in without expectations and don't let the wedding event itself define your feelings about sil.

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 4:07 am

My daughter got married recently. She is quite young and really Did not know the other side very well. I cannot imagine her taking the initiative to call a sister-in-law about things. And she’s a super Amazing! It’s just out of her comfort zone. I would expect the mother-in-law to reach out to her. Her kids. That’s exactly what did happen. It actually would’ve been probably not so socially correct that she reached out herself. So just letting you know that I don’t think the sister-in-law did anything wrong. She just did what is very normal. Hope it’s a great wedding. Enjoy.

amother

Midnight

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 4:41 am

We are chassidish and recently made a wedding here in Israel for our son.
The kallah decided EVERYTHING. Or, more accurately - the kallah's many sisters (kah).
They had dresses sewn for the wedding and almost all of them matched. Some did their own thing.
We were not included in any planning, really. Except for how many portions at the bar etc.
They chose the hall, photographer, band, colors, everything. We just put our hands in our pockets and paid whatever we were told. And, no, we are not people of means.
We rented gowns of our choosing. Different colors than the kallah's side's multi colored gowns.
Of course, here in Israel we do not have "flower girls" and walking down etc.
For the record, she is an amazing daughter in law

Heyaaa

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 4:54 am

I believe that it is on the people already in the family to initiate a relationship with the newcomer. It's very intimidating getting married and creating those relationships so it's important that you be the one to show that you have an interest.

amother

Whitesmoke ↓

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 5:12 am

I’m not yeshivish and I live in Israel and my sil to be is Israeli and the first time we spoke was on the phone during her vort. The next time we spoke was when she needed help with the rabbanut and for me to send proof of Jewishness from my husbands side to help my brother in law. I sent her a few packages of gifts in between and never got a thank you. So it’s not about “circles” or “how it’s done”. They just don’t have tact. I didn’t act like that as a kallah.

essie14

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 6:02 am

I think you should reach out to her mother. In yeshivish circles, especially if the kallah is young, the mother takes care of all the details.
If BIL and SIL don't live too far away, I think it would be nice to invite them for a Sunday BBQ or a shabbat.
Especially if your in laws aren't religious, you should reach out and be there for the couple.
Can you offer to make SB? That would be a really nice gesture.