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Forum
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-> Simcha Section
amother
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 Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:04 pm
So I’m a BT who married a BT so forgive me if I’m just missing something, would love if someone could clarify. BIL has been single for a VERY long time and bh finally got engaged recently to an ffb girl. Bil is not so with the program and is happy to let the Kallah plan the whole wedding without desiring much input at all. I hadn’t heard from her (they got engaged a couple months ago) about colours for the wedding or about my little girls being in the wedding party (flower girls etc). I got her number and reached out at which point she told me the colours but I’m left to think if I hadn’t contacted her would she have even reached out? I told her my girls are so excited to be coming to bil wedding and she replied they are so cute (did not initiate a conversation about them being in the wedding party at all). I’m a little offended. Bil and dh are the only frum ones in their family so this is it for us. Is it normal that the chossons side is left out in this way? She has lots of nieces so I imagine they will all be included as flower girls or the like isn’t it normal that the other side should as well?
Maybe I’m off the mark but that seems normal. Not overly invested and at this point (although a little sad for my girls if they don’t get to be included) I won’t say anything just wondering what the norm is here.
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lavendar310
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:06 pm
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Ask her. Maybe she's letting everyone pick any dress and didnt pick a color and it could be she's not planning to have flower girls. If you ask her and talk it out, it'll avoid heartache and shock at the wedding.
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:07 pm
| lavendar310 wrote: | | Ask her. Maybe she's letting everyone pick any dress and didnt pick a color and it could be she's not planning to have flower girls. If you ask her and talk it out, it'll avoid heartache and shock at the wedding. |
So I asked her about colours and she did tell me but I’m more wondering why she hasn’t initiated that conversation. There is definitely a theme. I hardly know her and don’t feel comfortable meddling.
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sotired3
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:08 pm
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It’s very common to not have flower girls at all by weddings. It’s also common for each side to have their own color scheme.
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notshanarishona
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:09 pm
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Flower girls are typically from kallahs side. If bil isn’t involved much it’s not really fair to leave all the planning to her and expect all your families needs to be met. I would speak to brother in law directly
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amother
Cherry
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:09 pm
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In the yeshivish world usually kallahs are so busy, and also young and awkward, it’s usually more on the family to be the ones reaching out and welcoming her into the family, or asking questions about color scheme etc. Most young kallahs rely on the MIL or chosson to relay most of the information to the rest of the family.
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amother
Forsythia
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:10 pm
| amother OP wrote: | So I’m a BT who married a BT so forgive me if I’m just missing something, would love if someone could clarify. BIL has been single for a VERY long time and bh finally got engaged recently to an ffb girl. Bil is not so with the program and is happy to let the Kallah plan the whole wedding without desiring much input at all. I hadn’t heard from her (they got engaged a couple months ago) about colours for the wedding or about my little girls being in the wedding party (flower girls etc). I got her number and reached out at which point she told me the colours but I’m left to think if I hadn’t contacted her would she have even reached out? I told her my girls are so excited to be coming to bil wedding and she replied they are so cute (did not initiate a conversation about them being in the wedding party at all). I’m a little offended. Bil and dh are the only frum ones in their family so this is it for us. Is it normal that the chossons side is left out in this way? She has lots of nieces so I imagine they will all be included as flower girls or the like isn’t it normal that the other side should as well?
Maybe I’m off the mark but that seems normal. Not overly invested and at this point (although a little sad for my girls if they don’t get to be included) I won’t say anything just wondering what the norm is here. |
I'd ask about the flower girls. Agree with pp that maybe she isn't planning on having flower girls in the wedding party. Otherwise I'd chalk it up to her being overwhelmed with wedding prep. Definitely don't hold it against her. I was an overwhelmed kallah and was so grateful that people asked me directly for anything they wanted to know.
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:11 pm
| amother Cherry wrote: | | In the yeshivish world usually kallahs are so busy, and also young and awkward, it’s usually more on the family to be the ones reaching out and welcoming her into the family, or asking questions about color scheme etc. Most young kallahs rely on the MIL or chosson to relay most of the information to the rest of the family. |
Ok I hear…in this case bil is useless he has relayed nothing.
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:11 pm
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Usually I think the bride expects the groom to let his side of the family know what is the color for the wedding. I wouldn't be offended that they didn't reach out to you personally. FFB girls and BT girls are very different at how they wedding plan. Usually in the FFB world the parents plan the wedding. Many times kids aren't flower girls or in the wedding party. You and your girls are family and will wear the color dresses and be in pictures but other than that there isn't anything you need to be involved with and it isn't strange at all that she didn't reach out. Your girls will prob be included the same way as her nieces.
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amother
Aconite
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:11 pm
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Many weddings don't have flower girls at all. it's also common for sister in law to be to have nothing to do with the boys family until they are actually married
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Cheiny
↓
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:11 pm
| amother OP wrote: | So I’m a BT who married a BT so forgive me if I’m just missing something, would love if someone could clarify. BIL has been single for a VERY long time and bh finally got engaged recently to an ffb girl. Bil is not so with the program and is happy to let the Kallah plan the whole wedding without desiring much input at all. I hadn’t heard from her (they got engaged a couple months ago) about colours for the wedding or about my little girls being in the wedding party (flower girls etc). I got her number and reached out at which point she told me the colours but I’m left to think if I hadn’t contacted her would she have even reached out? I told her my girls are so excited to be coming to bil wedding and she replied they are so cute (did not initiate a conversation about them being in the wedding party at all). I’m a little offended. Bil and dh are the only frum ones in their family so this is it for us. Is it normal that the chossons side is left out in this way? She has lots of nieces so I imagine they will all be included as flower girls or the like isn’t it normal that the other side should as well?
Maybe I’m off the mark but that seems normal. Not overly invested and at this point (although a little sad for my girls if they don’t get to be included) I won’t say anything just wondering what the norm is here. |
Why are you assuming they’re planning to have any flower girls or a wedding party? Many frum people don’t have that at all. I think you’re getting insulted when there’s no cause. Why don’t you have a casual conversation with your brother and ask him what the format is going to be if you’re curious, but if I was you I’d leave it alone, give them the benefit of the doubt and don’t take anything personally. They’re busy with all the pre wedding plans, obligations, arrangements, things to take care of… no need to feel offended.
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:12 pm
| notshanarishona wrote: | | Flower girls are typically from kallahs side. If bil isn’t involved much it’s not really fair to leave all the planning to her and expect all your families needs to be met. I would speak to brother in law directly |
There really isn’t any needs other than being mildly included I don’t think that’s so much to ask I would assume that’s normal. All of the family on his side is secular and will show up with zero expectations.
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:12 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | So I asked her about colours and she did tell me but I’m more wondering why she hasn’t initiated that conversation. There is definitely a theme. I hardly know her and don’t feel comfortable meddling. |
I don't think your expectations are reasonable. Thats just not how its done in FFB circles.
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amother
Hosta
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:13 pm
Flower girls are usually the kallas side
To answer your question. Yes the bulk of the wedding is the kalla side.
You’re writing that the kallah is taking care of everything because bil is ok with that.
Perhaps you can reach out and ask if she needs help and what can you do to help her with all the myriad details that a wedding entails.
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:14 pm
| Cheiny wrote: | | Why are you assuming they’re planning to have any flower girls or a wedding party? Many frum people don’t have that at all. I think you’re getting insulted when there’s no cause. Why don’t you have a casual conversation with your brother and ask him what the format is going to be if you’re curious, but if I was you I’d leave it alone, give them the benefit of the doubt and don’t take anything personally. They’re busy with all the pre wedding plans, obligations, arrangements, things to take care of… no need to feel offended. |
Valid point about the flower girls I guess I meant I would hope my girls would be included in the same capacity as her nieces so as to not fee left out.
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:15 pm
| amother Black wrote: | | I don't think your expectations are reasonable. Thats just not how it’s done in FFB circles. |
So please could you clarify how it’s done to give me some clarity thanks
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amother
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:17 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | So please could you clarify how it’s done to give me some clarity thanks |
Your title says she didn't reach out but thats just not how its usually done so its normal she didn't reach out. If you have a question about your girls being flower girls you can reach out to her or her mother to see what they will say.
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amother
Clear
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:17 pm
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I've never seen flower girls at a frum wedding, but sounds like some do that. For sure nothing to worry about, as she might not be having this at all.
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amother
Caramel
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:18 pm
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Oh that's frustrating not to be included in any of the plans. My sil got married this year and whenever I asked abt the wedding plans I barely got an answer and when I asked the colors I was told wear whatever you want etc but then at the wedding all the little girls were all wearing white. My daughter ended up wearing white too so it worked out but not because I was told...as far as flower girls not everyone has so it's definitely something to ask about. My mother always talks about how her sil 'thanked' her for letting her kids be the flower girls when my mother was actually not planning on having any at her wedding but didn't know how to say no when her sil didn't ask and just stated they were being...maybe you can ask your bil if he knows if any of the nieces plan to be flower girls...
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amother
Orange
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Mon, Jul 29 2024, 8:18 pm
So most kallahs in the yeshivish world aren’t that involved in wedding planning. It’s really her mother.
Also, there is no “wedding party,” it’s just family. Family is usually expected to wear gowns, and usually sisters and sils will reach out and ask the kallah if there is a specific color she has in mind.
What’s more likely is that she’s a young kallah, you’re her older sil with a few kids already. She’s a little intimidated and won’t reach out let alone tell you what to do. Reaching out to her is on you.
Also, she may not really know what to do with BT siblings in law and may feel even more intimidated and out of her depth. Just be her warm and welcoming older sister.
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