Where did I go wrong? Or did I? Be honest but gentle please

amother

Moccasin ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:44 am

amother Thistle wrote:

Op,
I only read the first page of replies and I want to say I disagree with almost all of them.
You handled this fine and a 10 year old going to sleep at 8:40 is late in my book. My 9 year old comes in about 7:45 and is in bed about 8:15. During the year it's earlier.
I don't think the situation would have played out any different in my house down to my dh coming in after saying maybe she is hungry (he would for sure do that!)
I wonder how old you are and the ages of your kids. For reference, I'm almost 40. My oldest is 17.
I believe most people telling you your wrong and nit picking how you handled it, bed time and all that are younger, have younger children and/or just all around more permissive parents.

I'm a few years older than you but I disagree. My little one is 9. Bedtime is not a power struggle. I say goodnight, give a kiss, if it's early enough then she can read in bed a little bit first. Early enough in the summer is 9:30 or even 10, since she doesn't have to wake up till 8:30.

I did implement a rule though that she can't tell me she's hungry when I say it's bedtime. Which means she shouldn't be eating or asking for food past 9pm.

amother

↑ Moccasin

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:50 am

amother Thistle wrote:

So you, and other with this view, think it's ok for a bedtime to be a suggestion? The children should be allowed to eat/drink/play/sleep as they please without any boundaries?
It is entirely possible child said she's hungry as a delaying tactic to going to sleep. You think that's OK and child should still be allowed a snack?
I'm really curious to hear how you handle your childrens bedtime routines and when a child doesn't follow the routine how you handle that.

Interesting question. Children should have boundaries. But boundaries around eating and sleeping? If they're sent to bed too early they won't fall asleep until they're ready, anyway.

If they have no problem jumping out of bed in the morning and getting out the door on time, I take that as an indication they're getting enough sleep.

amother

↑ NeonGreen ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:52 am

amother Thistle wrote:

No one is saying no bedtime. But this entire situation OP is describing, is just controlling.

I treat my pre teens as whole people, not as toddlers.
My kids have a bedtime which is reasonable for their age. (8:30 is very early for a 10 year old. Especially in the summer.)
I do not drag my kids to bed by their shoulders. I also don't go crazy if they go to bed 10 minutes after their bedtime.
When my kids try to tell me something at bedtime, I don't shut them down. I listen to them & make them feel heard. It's about them. Not about me.
My kids get a reminder about 30-45 minutes before bedtime that if they want to eat something, the time is now.
Kids can really be hungry at bedtime. Especially if dinner was hours earlier.
Then they get a reminder to shower, brush their teeth, get in bed & then I leave it up to them. Once they're in bed, they read or shmooze quietly, and I'm completely out of that.

amother

↑ Thistle

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:04 pm

A 10 year old is a still a little child. They still push boundaries.
I have had 10 year olds and currently have a 9 year old.
Bedtime at 8:30 is not early. Maybe for your child who doesn't need a lot of sleep it's ok but the average sleep for a 10 year old is 9-12 hours. 8:30 definitely falls within normal range.
Yes, a 10 year old will ask for a drink or claim to be hungry to buy time. That's normal behavior. It's also normal for a parent to stop that behavior.
And dragging the child by the shoulder is an exaggeration of what op said.
I have definitely had to lead my child by the arm or shoulder to do something. That's not called dragging.
Anything a child asks for we're supposed to give into because what's the big deal? Mom gave child options. Child was being difficult. Giving into her teaches her the behavior will get her what she wants. Similar to a tantrum.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:18 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Op is this type of interaction a pattern with this child?

I'm not sure. She's overall a pretty mature and sensible kid, but she sometimes gets into kvetch or tantrum mode and then nothing helps. In those times I do feel like I'm talking to a toddler (where nothing is good enough and they don't know what they want) and not a mature ten year old, so I end up responding in kind. I know, I'm the parent, I should do better. TMI

Some posters missed the fact that she was the one who said she won't have enough time for a tea. I didn't say it nor did I agree with her, kind of just kept quiet and let her figure it out. I knew if I say something like, why, ten minutes is more than enough? Or, just make a tea and as long as it takes it takes, she would pounce on that either to complain about why it's not enough or use the extra time generously and tell me, see I told you it's not enough time. Her teethbrushing took less than two minutes, and I would not have made a big deal if she'd drink her tea for those extra two minutes past bedtime, but since I was the one who made her brush her teeth when she wanted a tea, anything I would suggest after that was already a target for kvetch/tantrum. Only after deciding on her own that she doesn't have time for tea, did she say that she's hungry.

amother

↑ Poinsettia

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yeah so she was being irrational and unreasonable, which is why you went into drill seargent mode. I'd have done the same.

↑ mom24b

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:29 pm

amother Thistle wrote:

Why are you interpreting every action as all or nothing? Not every time a child is thirsty or hungry is a child “pushing boundaries”. If this occurred daily I would agree they may be trying to push their boundary , but I would wonder why my child is trying to push boundaries and once I got clarity on that I would know how to rectify. OP doesn’t say this is a nightly occurrence, in fact it seems clear that this isn’t the norm in her household at all.DD seems to be very compliant and adhere to the rules. There’s no reason to believe DD was being difficult, or attempting to push boundaries. I’m confused why you think that’s the case ? To me it seems DD is sincere and had OP not told her to brush teeth first she most likely would have been in bed on time (or within 5 minutes ). There is nothing to suggest pushing boundaries occurring from what OP wrote. I don’t understand why you view any and every action as manipulation and pushing boundaries. Has it never happened to you that you didn’t think you were hungry or didn’t feel you needed the bathroom, when family making a bathroom stop, only to discover a few minutes later that in fact you do need the bathroom or are hungry ? Are you being manipulative and attempting to delay the family or are you human ???

Last edited by mom24b on Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:36 pm; edited 2 times in total

amother

↑ DarkPurple

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

In my opinion, none of the little details matter. Not this incident, not the next one. The only important thing is that your boundaries are not blinding you when it comes to the overall relationship between you and your daughter. Your relationship is everything. So if there's a pattern where your need for structure and clear boundaries slowly but surely build up over time until she explodes- recognize that that negativity (yes, enforcing boundaries can be negative sometimes, even if necessasry) is having an affect on the relationship as a whole. Tweak so you're both happier. Focus on the relationship as much as you focus on all the little nitty gritty bedtime rules and regulations and timers and stopwatches. Make sure you're lauging together and enjoying each other too! And then none of these little incidents matter in the long run.

amother

↑ Snowdrop ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 1:39 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

If your dd got angry upon realizing she didn't have enough time to have her tea because she spent 2 minutes brushing her teeth first, why didn't you say, "It's okay, sheifele. Enjoy your tea and you'll go to bed 5 minutes later."

Yes op why were you willing to step into the conversation to tell your daughter what she can't do but you stayed out of it and "let her figure it out" when saying something could've solved an issue of hers?

sunburst

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 2:13 pm

The best parenting advice I got is to really try putting yourself in your daughter's shoes.. it helps with the compassion piece. I've lost track of time and wanted to unwind with someone comforting (like a hot tea) and I've also gotten hungry- after my bedtime! (Horror of horrors!). And one day WE'LL be the vulnerable and weak ones and your daughter may very well be the one taking care of you.. wouldn't you want her to treat you with kindness and compassion?
I get the boundaries and all that.. but it's all about balance AND kindness.

Last edited by sunburst on Tue, Jul 23 2024, 2:58 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Offwhite

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 2:47 pm

amother Thistle wrote:

Of course 10yr old need boundaries but appropriate boundaries for them and their age.
Not a single 8yr old (so definitely not those older) on my block is inside before 8 45. Besides for special circumstances where that night they need to be in early

amother

↑ Hotpink

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 4:21 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

Or better yet, prepare the tea for her while she brushes her teeth!!

(I'm really not a perfect mother at all, so I shouldn't be commenting here. Always easier to give others advice.)