Where did I go wrong? Or did I? Be honest but gentle please

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 10:58 am

mom24b wrote:

“It’s WAY past her bedtime-8:55pm to be exact !” OP this is your wording. Her bedtime was at 8:40. 15 minutes past bedtime is not WAY past , it’s 15 minutes. The fact that you report the exact time as if 15minutes late is a catastrophic infraction, makes me wonder if you have anxiety around needing things to be done just right, and needing to be the perfect parent . Did you view it being already 15minutes past her bedtime as a personal failure? Is it possible had she taken her tea first ,she may not have been hungry as tea can cause one to feel full but since she brushed her teeth first she started to realize she was hungry ? What would have happened if you allowed her to have some nuts and then she brushed her teeth again? Why was that not an option in your mind? What would have happened if you allowed her to have her tea first and then brush her teeth, even if she brushed her teeth “late” around 8:40? What would happen if you allowed her to go to sleep 5 minutes late? What are you so scared of? What is causing your hyper vigilance in her being in bed at 8:40pm and not a minute later ? These are rhetorical questions I suggest you ask yourself.
For all those saying it’s a “delay tactic” that may true , but I urge you to consider why a child is attempting to delay bedtime? They know they aren’t going to be playing any longer each time they whine, complain or come out. They are obviously needing/seeking something else. For some it’s extra security (separation from parent and being in dark room alone can be frightening to kids), for some it’s a need for connection, for others it’s likely any issues they encountered during the day creep into their minds at bedtime, or they may actually truly be hungry. OP it seems to me your anxiety around needing her to be in bed at 8:40 hijacked your ability to make rational choices. The fact you know it was 8:55 “to be exact”, tells me you were more focused on the clock then your daughters needs (for connection and possibly food). I suspect this is why it left a bad feeling for you. I suspect your subconsciously aware that something internal is driving your need for her to be in bed exactly on time, is over riding your ability to empathize, connect and be present for her and you don’t feel great because you actually do want to be a loving, empathetic, nurturing mother.
If any of this resonates with you I urge you to do some internal self reflection and try to understand what is driving your belief that she must be in bed at 8:40 no matter what.
It was not lost on me that you took the time and felt it important to mention you were cleaning the kitchen throughout your entire interaction. Why did you feel that’s important to mention? I know what I think it means, but it’s more important why you felt it was important to share. Be gentle with yourself and try to see if over the next few weeks you can answer these questions I have posed to you. I hope that will start you on a good path and give you clarity. The answers are inside you. You didn’t feel good because something in you is trying to tell you something. Try to reflect and see what that feeling is trying to convey to you. Hugs

Lots of great questions to get me thinking.I have some answers but won't be posting them here. Curious though what you meant about me mentioning cleaning the kitchen.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:00 am

amother Razzmatazz wrote:

Oh wow. I am so sorry, but I do not understand where your parenting is coming from.
Maybe you can help me to better understand.

You are giving her so much added stress about making sure to get things done how YOU want them to be done, even if that means sacrificing what she wants or enjoys.
People pleasing is not an enjoyable quality to live with.

When you’re hungry during the day or night, do you go eat something?
When you’re thirsty at night, do you go drink something?
Because if you do, then why can’t your child do the same?
Why should she brush her teeth before drinking tea? Then the sugar and tea will stain her teeth…I’m not understanding.

Why don’t you show your child that you trust her to brush her teeth after? You can gently remind her to do so after.
Can’t you see how this same scenario can happen when she’s an adult and taking care of her children when she can’t find the few moments to make herself a tea AND drink it while it’s hot? And then feel the same way she felt when she was younger / that her needs don’t matter.

If an adult would be annoyed to not be able to drink her tea warm or her coffee hot, the same can be upsetting for a younger child.

What you’re doing is telling her that her needs aren’t important, but YOUR needs ARE important.
I don’t see your logic behind any of this.

Is this how you grew up? With your parents micromanaging everything you did to the exact minute?….
What’s this scrutiny with brushing teeth?….
Do you want her to develop anxiety about all these things?….

Another insightful post I appreciate.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:02 am

amother Tuberose wrote:

My 11 year old dd has an 8 oclock bedtime. I'm surprised about hiw much bed times vary here, maybe I'll make a spinoff.

I also don't give later bedtimes in the summer personally. I feel a consistent schedule year round works best for this dd. Specifically because she has adhd, the consistency helps her body sleep at the right times. But also I think that bedtimes are not to make.sure that they get up on time.for school, but because we sleep at times that are healthy and natural, and being jet lagged after late summer bedtimes.often backfires for us when it gets close to school start. Different kids need different things though. My 11 year old dd really needs a set schedule, my younger dd does better with following her cues, but she still has a bedtime too.

As far as what I see works me, I like having an actual numbered bedtime for dd. Because then it isn't personal, it is what the clock says. Because when I make exceptions then it tends to ruin the rules since my dd really likes to push the boundaries. So having a clear objective cut off really works for us.

We used to have a staggered bedtime for dd, but kept running into situations like you describe, so at some point we just made her bedtime the later time and said she can manage all her own time before that and she has to go to bed on time. It stopped all the negotiating etc. So maybe try that.

The staggered bedtime has a history and it would also explain why teethbrushing comes before tea, but posting here and seeing all responses has made me realize it might be time to reevaluate. I'll be discussing it with DD later today iyh.

amother

Thistle ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:14 am

Op,
I only read the first page of replies and I want to say I disagree with almost all of them.
You handled this fine and a 10 year old going to sleep at 8:40 is late in my book. My 9 year old comes in about 7:45 and is in bed about 8:15. During the year it's earlier.
I don't think the situation would have played out any different in my house down to my dh coming in after saying maybe she is hungry (he would for sure do that!)
I wonder how old you are and the ages of your kids. For reference, I'm almost 40. My oldest is 17.
I believe most people telling you your wrong and nit picking how you handled it, bed time and all that are younger, have younger children and/or just all around more permissive parents.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:17 am

amother Snowdrop wrote:

I so curious what could be a reason to specifically drink tea after brushing teeth

I'll bite. I used to give the kids ten minutes of Mommy Time if they were ready at their bedtime. Each kid a different timing, staggered according to age. I recently had a baby and mommy time stopped because I was always busy with the newborn or the toddler. There were days my oldest who comes home very late, didn't get to talk to me at all because a newborn is a fulltime job. So the first few weeks when they were all ready for bed including teethbrushing Smile

and ready for mommy time and I wasn't available, I suggested other activities to help them wind down and relax for bed whether it was reading to themselves or shmoozing with older siblings. At some point this DD asked if she can drink a tea and I said yes. The warm drink helped her relax and she got to shmooze with older siblings and I was off the hook, so I saw it as a win-win. These ten minutes were never meant as a time to catch up on whatever she didn't get to during the day... such as eating...

Bh baby is a bit older by now and we might be able to reinstitute mommy time. I'll be talking this out with DD and giving her that option or seeing if she rather wants one solid bedtime and she can choose how to use her time before that. I can offer to remind her about food or maybe set an alarm. Or maybe she'll have another idea.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:19 am

amother Thistle wrote:

We are similiar ages.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:25 am

amother OP wrote:

She still needs to brush her teeth after the tea. The tea sitting on her teeth all night can stain and damage her teeth. A hot tea is a great way to wind down but then she needs to rebrush.

Vegan Yenta

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:31 am

Baruch Hashem, I was blessed with a busy household full of children too. When my daughters were 10 years old I no longer intervened with their bedtime routine. I did not ask if they brushed their teeth. Ten year old girls ( unless there is a chas v'shalom delay) do not need us to manage their lives like this. I suggest giving your daughter more autonomy and let the chips fall where they may. We provide the toothpastes and tooth brush, the clean pj's and clean bedsheets. We provide, they consume.
However, I still had a nighttime routine that included all my children sitting together with me while I read from a chapter book ( We did the Wizard of OZ one summer) and I sang lullybys while nursing the infant and we did the nighttime shema together as a family.

Last edited by Vegan Yenta on Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:35 am; edited 1 time in total

↑ imaima

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:40 am

amother Tuberose wrote:

Thank you.
I don’t believe in late bedtimes a priori but sometimes I allow them. I believe in adequate amount of sleep regardless of the season.

That being said, if the child of this age is coming out, I believe that they are hungry/thirsty and also try to have a little chat in case that was just attention seeking.

amother

↑ Snowdrop ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:45 am

amother OP wrote:

I understand why these 10 minutes are intended to be winding down time and not time to continue getting ready for bed, but I don't understand why she's brushing teeth and THEN drinking tea. Especially if dental health is important to you, which it seems like it is.

amother

↑ Honeydew ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 11:50 am

amother Thistle wrote:

I'm a bit older and my ten year old is the same way. We are not rigid, we are structured. I see no reason for a later bedtime in the summer, children need to get enough sleep and be up in the morning in summers too. Kids this age learn where they can take advantage of adults' vulnerable spots. This leads to either adults acting rigid or permissive.
Maybe she does need an extra hug or a snack or a later bedtime but that can be adjusted at any time. Bedtime is bedtime 95% of the time.

keym

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:00 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

My kids need to be up and out significantly earlier in the winter.

My 10 year olds bus comes at 7:45. He needs to be up at 7 so he needs to be in bed by 8:45.

In the summer his bus comes at 9:30. He can get up at 8 or even 8:30 comfortably. I don't see a reason to force him into bed early and push for an early wakeup just because.
He can go to sleep at 9:45 and wake up at 8 and get the same sleep, with the feeling that his mother is being flexible to his wants.

But also as a mother, I think one of the most important skills to teach my children is flexibility. The ability to change tracks and take life's changes. And part of the way to teach it is to model it.
So I don't see it as letting a kid take advantage, I would probably use it as a springboard to talk about modeling flexibility.