Why did no one thank me?

Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:55 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m just surprised, 2 of my relatives had babies this week and I sent them both food for shabbos and something for the kiddush. One person told me thanks when I dropped off but thought she’d text me after shabbos (which is what I would do - the stretchie is so pretty, food was delicious etc) and the other person I didn’t see her so I texted her where I left the food (one of her older kids opened the door) and haven’t heard anything from her. She didn’t even reply to that text.
I didn’t send the food to get a thank you, I did it because it’s the right thing, but isn’t that basic manners?

So one receiver said thank you in person. Isn't that enough for you?
I agree it's not nice not to get a thank you. That said, why are you doing this chessed? Because you want to do it and it's a mitzva or you do it because of other reasons?

amother

Birch

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:55 am

amother Hydrangea wrote:

I totally understand the not saying thank you right away for a baby gift. but for sending shabbos food?
I have a bunch of kids. Some super hard recoveries and my babies are not one bit easy. constantly screaming and barely sleep. but for real. you literally don't have time to take your phone and send a five second text-thanks for the food!. seriously. I think people need to grow up. the world doesn't stop when you are PP. no matter how mush your brain is, you managed to respond to the text of that friend/family to take up their offer of making shabbos, then yes, you have the basic decency of sending a dumb thank you text as well after you benefited and ate their food.

I can barely function after I have a baby. I'm lucky if I get to eat or shower. It takes a lot of mental energy to go through gifts and thank people. There was a gift I received that I just barely glanced in the bag and didn't properly take it to look at until a week or two later. Shabbos was sent over by a few families. I tried to thank each one but think I didn't get to one of them because I was upstairs when it arrived and then it was a very hectic day. Obviously it's the right thing to thank everyone but sometimes a thank you will slip through the cracks during an extremely overwhelming time. As someone said before, there's a reason people are sending over meals.

amother

↑ Outerspace ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:56 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

A thank you text actually is way quicker and easier than writing and mailing a thank you card.

Sending thank you cards a couple of months post partum, is way way easier then Sending a thank you text immediately postpartum.

I really hope that you won't mistreat & abuse you children when they're post partum.

↑ Queen Of Hearts ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:59 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

That's for sure.
It was in response to a poster saying maybe a thank you card is already in the mail.
And btw sending a thank you for a gift is very different than thanking for food.
A gift can be thanked for much later.

amother

Tiffanyblue ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:59 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

I ignore my phone for at least a week or two post partum. I just don't have the energy for phone calls & texts.

I really dislike this atittude. So rude and American.

I mean, someone just spent time and money, cared enough to send you food or a gift and you can't even be bothered to thank them?

I just sent supper to someone that had a baby a month ago but I thought they'd feel treated and I did not get a thank you for it. Not when I took their toddler under my care for one afternoon either.

I am so put off by this. I just had a baby this year too so I know exactly what it's like!!!

↑ Queen Of Hearts ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:01 am

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

According to Jetblack you are a narcissist.

amother

↑ Olive

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:02 am

Again, you can "it takes a second" all you want, but if she literally forgot (because her brain was mush during a time that has been scientifically proven to turn most brains to mush) the it's not about how quick and easy the task is. She forgot! And lol to whoever though moms coordinate receiving the meals. I certainly never did. Nobody ever contacted me directly. The shul/organization calls and asks if you'll be taking meals and you (more likely actually the husband or grandmother who is taking the call) say yes and it's on them from there. So no, I did nothing until the meal showed up. Yes, they should be thanked. But it's not some grave breach of the social contract for it to take some time, ESPECIALLY when the event for which the gift was given was a birth!

amother

↑ Outerspace ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:03 am

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

It is rude that I'm in a such an overwhelmed daze post partum that I do not have a bit of energy for my phone?
What is wrong with people?

WhatFor ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:04 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

I can't believe I'm reading this. I understand not having the time or energy to call. But a text?!
Being postpartum does not excuse a complete lack of manners!

What in the world? You think everyone has the same tolerance capacity as you? You think all human psyches and problems are the same? If a postpartum mother has time to do any of these things within less than 24 hours post shalom zachor/kiddush, what do you think she should do?
1. Feed her newborn
2. Spend time with and give attention to her other children
3. Use two hours to go to sleep before her next round of baby feeding
4. Do an itinerary of all the people who gave her gifts in the past week, including people she already thanked in person, and start sending out texts to acknowledge their selflessness and altruism before they get a chance to feel offended and go on imamother to complain about a pp mom's selfishness.

PP moms, when I give you a gift, I promise it's purely for you to enjoy. Of course I appreciate feedback, especially when you enjoy it, but I promise it's the last thing on my mind, especially in the days after giving it. If I remember about it and never heard from you months later, if we're in person, I might double check just to make sure you got it. And that's it. That's not a dig at you never reaching out. I know how hard it is.

Please please never stress out about needing to urgently thank me or put that thought ahead of taking care of your newborn, yourself, or any other family member.

And to the offended people, please don't give gifts if you won't be happy without a specific type of feedback within a short timeframe. Seems like this isn't your mitzvah.

amother

Daisy ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:05 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

Very Rude!
Please, no one is that busy that they can't take the minute to send a thank you text to someone who spent money and effort on you.
I actually think the mannered thing is to call. If you don't have the energy for a call a text will suffice. But I find even a text a bit of a cop out.

please never send me food or a gift.
no one is arguing that it's "good manners" to thank someone.

no, the mother may not have had a chance to open your gift. no, she may not have had a chance to eat the food you sent. no, she may not have had a chance to read your text about dropping off food. no, she may not have had the presence of mind to remember that she didn't thank you. no, it's not a 2 second thing when b"H many people are giving gifts at different times and you want to thank all of them. no, it's not about having time to send a text, it's about having the focus, memory, energy, etc. no, a delayed thank you, or lack of a thank you, doesn't indicate incompetence, bad middos, or disfuncion. no, the fact that one thank you was forgotten doesn't mean that they didn't take the time to send twenty other thanks-oy, maybe she forgot to thank one person. no, a gift that comes with an obligation to immediately send my thanks or be the object of the senders resentment is not better to me than no gift/help at all.* (and if I DID need the help that badly that I'd prefer to get it anyway, then that's a sign that I'm NOT functioning at a level where I can keep on top of the thank yous, even by text.)

*and before anyone argues with this, I'm not saying that the time/effort of texting "thank you" is more than the value of the gift. it's the pressure of being obligated to immediately thank if I'm a polite person, that makes me say the first line of this post.

↑ Queen Of Hearts ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:06 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

She's actually right you know.
All your posts show narcissistic traits.

I am far from a narcissist bH.
To me a lack of manners and metschlichkeit is appalling. I was raised very differently.
I've btdt with difficult births and babies and I still think a basic text thanking for food is appropriate. And I am called a narcissist for that?
And I am shocked at the cyber bullying on here. Go back and read Jetblacks posts to see why I responded to her the way I did. I guess you would be siding with the bully irl...

↑ WhatFor ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:07 am

amother cornflower wrote:

Bad manners
You don’t need to send a card, but an effusive thank you - either a call or text, is not too much to ask.

Anything is too much to ask of a pp mom. If you can't be there for a pp mom no strings attached, wait until she's not pp. These threads pop up every so often, and frankly they're ridiculous.

amother

↑ Daisy

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:12 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

It's appropriate for a PP mother to thank those who send gifts, food, or help.
It's appropriate for those who send gifts, food, or help to excuse PP mothers for not thanking them.

I haven't seen any posts saying that no one should send thanks or that it's good manners not to thank or that there's no reason to thank. or that it's narcissistic to thank.

amother

↑ Outerspace ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:12 am

amother cornflower wrote:

Bad manners
You don’t need to send a card, but an effusive thank you - either a call or text, is not too much to ask.

But said effusive thank you, doesn't have to be given immediately post partum! It's perfectly fine for the effusive thank you to be given several weeks or months later when mom has more energy & head space for it.

amother

↑ Outerspace ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:14 am

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

A narcissistic person will never admit that they're a narcissist.
My grandma is a classic narcissist and your attitude reminds me of her.
I didn't say you're a narcissist. But all your posts to exhibit narcissistic traits. I'm worried about how you'd treat your children when they're post partum. People with your attitude, are part of the cause of PPD and PP psychosis.